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#441993 - 07/24/13 09:32 AM A Girl on the Tram
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
I reckon she was about 4 or 5. Had an experience today that might be important to me, thought I'd share...

My mother often acted like a little 5-year-old girl amidst all of the abuse she gave me, and somehow in my subconscious I had decided that all little girls are like her...vicious, needy, demanding, moody - just a bomb about to explode. And I projected this onto every little girl I saw!

Well today, I was on the tram. Rows of two seats each. I was on my own, and a mother with a baby and her 5-year-old daughter sat down in the seat reserved for women with baby cars...and my seat happened to be next to it. So she asked me if her daughter could sit down. I couldn't say, "No I'm sorry my mother abused me and I'm deathly scared of girls." So I smiled and said, "Sure." The girl sits down. She's like...not even half my size. A bit torn between ignoring her and talking to her, some part of me nudged me towards the latter. So I said, "Hello!" and made this really goofy expression on my face...and...she laughed!!! That was God damn amazing! I ate up my own misery and made her laugh! I even got another lady sitting in front of me to smile when she saw what I was doing. It had me smiling throughout the whole trip home on the tram. It was then and there I realized how I had been projecting my past onto innocent little girls... Crazy! Here was this 5-year-old girl sitting right next to me, swinging her legs which was a good foot or two from reaching the ground, and I was scared of her! It made me think a bit, how I'm still stuck in the past in many ways beyond my consciousness, and I'm missing out on appreciating the simple fact that kids aren't born demons...they never are. And it's OK to interact with them, they're not going to bite me.
_________________________
Husky

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#441994 - 07/24/13 09:36 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
Great insight Husky!
Someone can tell you thousands of times, but you have to see it for yourself. I'm glad you have had this wonderful experience of just being in the presence of a young girl without all the negativity attached to it.

One of my dearest memories is with a young girl. She couldve been 5 years of age too back then..
Me sitting on a bench, she was sitting on a boat. We both just sat there and looked at eachother with smiles (lasted about 15 min i recon and even her parents joined in for the laughing session)..

due to therapy this memory came back and only now do i realize how precious it really is to me..
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#442002 - 07/24/13 09:59 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3323
Loc: somewhere in Africa
smile
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#442006 - 07/24/13 10:23 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Husky,

You stepped out of your comfort zone and found more about yourself by doing so. That's healing brother. And while I may be wrong, I think the "goofy face" was the little boy inside you coming out to play.

Great stuff.
Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#442011 - 07/24/13 11:17 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 749
Loc: michigan
so glad you had that experience husky it is amazing the things that we carry and don't even realize it
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#442019 - 07/24/13 11:57 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 592
Loc: VA
A few years ago my wife and I were poking around some shops in a tourist area, and another couple came the other way pushing a little girl in a wheel chair. The girl looked at me, and I winked at her as she went past.

Her face lit up with a huge smile. What a wonderful gift that was!

John

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#442023 - 07/24/13 12:24 PM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Well done Husky! I have to admit ivr became much more relaxed around kids since I had this realisation of mine. Dont feel panicky, kinda like you said.

Though, I wonder if that fear was an internalised fear about our inner child being projected onto actual kid.

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#442069 - 07/24/13 10:17 PM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
So proud of you. You will make a great father one day.

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#442177 - 07/25/13 09:36 PM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
Tarobuns108 Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 20
Loc: NJ, USA
What a great experience! It's hard to conquer the generalizations that come with our traumas. I know I still find myself actively fighting them sometimes. Glad you were able to do it with humor and infectious good feelings.
_________________________
"Don't be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you've been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?" Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, Book 7:7

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