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#441993 - 07/24/13 09:32 AM A Girl on the Tram
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 669
I reckon she was about 4 or 5. Had an experience today that might be important to me, thought I'd share...

My mother often acted like a little 5-year-old girl amidst all of the abuse she gave me, and somehow in my subconscious I had decided that all little girls are like her...vicious, needy, demanding, moody - just a bomb about to explode. And I projected this onto every little girl I saw!

Well today, I was on the tram. Rows of two seats each. I was on my own, and a mother with a baby and her 5-year-old daughter sat down in the seat reserved for women with baby cars...and my seat happened to be next to it. So she asked me if her daughter could sit down. I couldn't say, "No I'm sorry my mother abused me and I'm deathly scared of girls." So I smiled and said, "Sure." The girl sits down. She's like...not even half my size. A bit torn between ignoring her and talking to her, some part of me nudged me towards the latter. So I said, "Hello!" and made this really goofy expression on my face...and...she laughed!!! That was God damn amazing! I ate up my own misery and made her laugh! I even got another lady sitting in front of me to smile when she saw what I was doing. It had me smiling throughout the whole trip home on the tram. It was then and there I realized how I had been projecting my past onto innocent little girls... Crazy! Here was this 5-year-old girl sitting right next to me, swinging her legs which was a good foot or two from reaching the ground, and I was scared of her! It made me think a bit, how I'm still stuck in the past in many ways beyond my consciousness, and I'm missing out on appreciating the simple fact that kids aren't born demons...they never are. And it's OK to interact with them, they're not going to bite me.

"What gives light must endure burning." - Viktor E. Frankl

#441994 - 07/24/13 09:36 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 338
Loc: Western Europe
Great insight Husky!
Someone can tell you thousands of times, but you have to see it for yourself. I'm glad you have had this wonderful experience of just being in the presence of a young girl without all the negativity attached to it.

One of my dearest memories is with a young girl. She couldve been 5 years of age too back then..
Me sitting on a bench, she was sitting on a boat. We both just sat there and looked at eachother with smiles (lasted about 15 min i recon and even her parents joined in for the laughing session)..

due to therapy this memory came back and only now do i realize how precious it really is to me..
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

#442002 - 07/24/13 09:59 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3711
Loc: somewhere in Africa
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

#442006 - 07/24/13 10:23 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
mattheal Offline

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio

You stepped out of your comfort zone and found more about yourself by doing so. That's healing brother. And while I may be wrong, I think the "goofy face" was the little boy inside you coming out to play.

Great stuff.
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

#442011 - 07/24/13 11:17 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 912
Loc: michigan
so glad you had that experience husky it is amazing the things that we carry and don't even realize it
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#442019 - 07/24/13 11:57 AM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 639
Loc: VA
A few years ago my wife and I were poking around some shops in a tourist area, and another couple came the other way pushing a little girl in a wheel chair. The girl looked at me, and I winked at her as she went past.

Her face lit up with a huge smile. What a wonderful gift that was!


#442023 - 07/24/13 12:24 PM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Well done Husky! I have to admit ivr became much more relaxed around kids since I had this realisation of mine. Dont feel panicky, kinda like you said.

Though, I wonder if that fear was an internalised fear about our inner child being projected onto actual kid.

#442069 - 07/24/13 10:17 PM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
CafeMan Offline

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 155
Loc: Chicago
So proud of you. You will make a great father one day.

#442177 - 07/25/13 09:36 PM Re: A Girl on the Tram [Re: concerned_husky]
Tarobuns108 Offline

Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 21
Loc: NJ, USA
What a great experience! It's hard to conquer the generalizations that come with our traumas. I know I still find myself actively fighting them sometimes. Glad you were able to do it with humor and infectious good feelings.
"Don't be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you've been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?" Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, Book 7:7


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