I have empathy and understanding for a youngster in crisis today,
but in looking back through my past, I don't really have that level of empathy for myself. I tend to expect much more from my inner self, I tend to judge more harshly what I "should" have been able to do.
It was a "tipping point" for me to understand that I needed to compare my inner child with other children I see in crisis. I needed to have a lot more compassion for myself, and lower my expectations about what I expected an 8 yr old to 15 yr old self to be able to handle.
It was this focus, this ability to empathize and feel compassion for my inner self that motivated me to attack recovery. I then began to imagine going back through a mirror, traveling time and defending my self. I walk back trough my mind to the frozen moments where my child self is in crisis.
It is those moments where I become strong, powerful, courageous, fearless, and Tough. I lend my inner child my strength, I lend him my voice and I quell the fear in his heart. I stand up to the bullies and the oppressive figures that seek to destroy him and strike fear into the hearts of those who would subdue Him/US. We walk from the ruin of my childhood stepping carefully to avoid the blasted ground. He leads me gingerly as children will do, and sometimes I carry him.
This imagery is my refuge, my solace, and my comfort. It speaks to my self esteem and my worth.
I advocate for myself. I will continue to do so.
thank you for this. I needed it today.
Thanks for this thread. I respond affirmatively to all the messages so far.
I think I will try to do what Geoff is talking about.
I have in the past used movies with boys to bring out my emotional self (I've had did and still have it). There is a tendency for people to view me suspiciously for this and it upsets me. But I can't always hide like a dung beetle under a rock.
DID actually means loss of identity. It's an identity disorder. It's linked in me with depersonalization. Depersonalization is exemplified by the slave who was beaten and looks up at his master with eyes pleading, asking, when are you going to give me another swipe? It's as though I'm eternally condemned to casting about, looking for my identity: Who am I?
Some of the movies to help me:
The Education of Little Tree
Flight of the Innocent
Where Eskimos Live
Now I've come to a bunch of books which seem to indicate that I was actually used in experimentation. This will seem hard to believe. The real evidence has been suppressed. But there are now several books about this:
A Nation Betrayed: Secret Cold War Experiments Performed on our Children and Other Innocent People, by Carol Rutzhttp://www.amazon.com/Nation-Betrayed-Experiments-Performed-ebook/dp/B005IDOXL6/
In her story, she was sold to the clandestine service by her grandfather.
Against Their Will: The Secret History of Medical Experimentation on Children in Cold War America, by Allen W. Hornblum.http://www.amazon.com/Against-Their-Will-Experimentation-Children/dp/0230341713/
A Question of Torture: CIA Interrogation, from the Cold War to the War on Terror, by Alfred McCoyhttp://www.amazon.com/Question-Torture-Interrogation-American/
Now I am wondering if my father was given money to allow me to be "experimented on" at the summercamp, or if he was required to do so by his army affiliation.
I haven't posted much about it, but 15 months after the camp experience I had a "tonsillectomy" after which I was "changed" and lost my voice. I've thought it might have been part of an experimental process. Why? because my healing process has been so long and intractable and because the abuser seems to have been at the root of these clandestine activities. It's as though I was "programmed" to resist divulging the truth. Sorry. I know this is weird.
Sorry this post is so long. I needed to say some of this.