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#442075 - 07/24/13 11:22 PM Looks Like I Have A New Friend... (Oh Shit)
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1105
Loc: The ATL
Hiya guys. As many of you may know by now, the one thing I fear and try to avoid the most in life is intimacy, romantic relationships and sexual situations of any kind. For the most part it hasn't been hard to do. I've tried not to get to close to female coworkers unless they have a significant other who is also my friend. If I run into a chick who doesn't know me at a bar or in some social setting, I can always lie and say I have a GF. Most women my age are already taken anyway. They are either married with kids or are divorced and are hitting the singles scene, and you normally aren't going to hook up with one of them unless you're hitting the singles scene to and are looking for them, which I'm not, so it's cool.

The neighborhood I live in is a duplex neighborhood. The guys who used to live in the unit next to ours moved out last month. They were cool enough dudes, and I hung out with them from time to time but they weren't exactly "my crowd", so to speak. Then, last week, some new people moved in. A singe mother with an 7 year old son. To most people, these would be the least threatening people to live next to on the face of the planet. For me, it sets off some alarms.

Part of the problem is I'm just to goddamn friendly. As luck would have it, this chick is pretty friendly as well. I've already spoken to her a few times and know that she is from a different state and is in the process of getting a divorce. She even told me that she moved here to "get away from that situation." I fucked up and inadvertently let her know that I am single but she probably would have figured that out eventually anyway.

Her son is exactly the same age as my nephew, Ky. They both turn eight next month, four days apart. (My nephew on the 8th and her little boy on the 12th.) We established that fact the first time we spoke and she seemed to think that was just adorable. She seems really cool and nice, but befriending her and her son holds the extremely frightening possibility that she could eventually become interested in me as more than just a friend and I don't have any "easy out" if she does.

I have a few things working against me here and a couple working for me. (The ironic thing is, 99% of all other guys in this situation would list the things I have as working against me as working for them and the things I have working for me as working against them. LOL!)

Working against me is the fact that were both single and live in very close proximity to one another. Also, she's "on the rebound", and a lot of chicks who are "on the rebound" are looking to hook up, fast. Also, she has a little boy who she probably wants a father figure for. I happen to be very good with kids, even when I'm not trying to be. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging here, but I've never gotten to know a little kid who didn't love me. Maybe it's because I'm kind of a big kid myself. Her kid will probably be no different, and she's going to see that.

Working for me is the fact that I'm a looser who can barley support himself, and she's no doubt going to figure that out as well. Also, although she didn't tell me her age, I'd say she's 8-10 years younger than me and is pretty. I'm an older dude and am goofy-looking. If I was the type of guy that was interested in sex and relationships, I'd probably think she was "out of my league". It also may be a good idea to show her what a pathetic, slobbering drunk I am as soon as possible. That should help.

I'm probably just over-thinking all of this from the jump but it's hard for me not to. Whenever I start to make friends with a chick, the first thing that I want to figure out is if there is any possibility of her being interested in me or any likelihood I could wind up kind of cornered in a situation where she's coming on to me and I have nowhere to go. Normally it's pretty easy to determine what my "out" would be. Like... "but your boyfriend and I are friends, sorry, I just can't". You get the idea. In this situation, I have determined that I would have no "out" other than outright telling her "no" and rejecting her, which I have no idea how to do. I've never been able to do that before and I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

It will probably turn out that none of these things ever wind up being issues. If they do though, I will be in a world of shit. I won't know what to do and the prospect scares me. This is another one of those times when I almost wish other people could just look at me and see how damaged I am. That would take all the pressure off. Then I wouldn't have to worry about these things. Like I said in the thread about the "Elevator Accident", if someone could just look at me and see that I was a sexual cripple, no one would ever think to make sexual expectations of me. That would just be so much easier. Perhaps I should have "DAMAGED GOODS" tattooed on my forehead. LOL! I'd probably make a lot more chick friends if that were the case. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (07/25/13 12:13 AM)

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#442095 - 07/25/13 03:26 AM Re: Looks Like I Have A New Friend... (Oh Shit) [Re: BraveFalcon]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Hm fact that you can cook just makes situation worse frown ....

Just kidding, lol.
I have many girl friends and with some I went trough moments of having crush, trying something and at end deciding to be friends. Somehow it is slippery situation as feelings could pop up out of nowhere.
I'm more concern when meeting new people if there would be situation when I'll be pulled into their problems of all sorts: love/marriage problems, children, financial problems and similar.
When I'm friendly with someone I'm finding difficult to say no. Still have unresolved issues with one family concerning some financial arraignments and I have a lot of problems to take self protective stance and bring that into conversation. I helped them a lot and even they are very nice people and my true friends they ignored their part of the deal.

I could only advice you to be yourself but don't let others to drain you with their mental and all other demands. Even we are extremely sensitive and could see from distance potential "risks" like you analyzed it in your topic. At other side we could be also extremely emphatic favoring others on own expense no matter on all our fears and analysis.
I guess many of us would need to work for long to learn putting safe and protective borders when interacting with other people.
Be well!

Pero
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#442100 - 07/25/13 06:53 AM Re: Looks Like I Have A New Friend... (Oh Shit) [Re: BraveFalcon]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Ken

Hmm tough situation.

I understand your nervousness.

Could you maybe just let it slip early on that you 'have had enough with relationships' ... that 'you have been hurt too much in the past' and your 'are better off alone'. Maybe that in itself will be enough to let her see you are damaged goods.

Although of course it could completely backfire and she could be one of those people that likes a challenge ... tries to 'fix' you. If that is the case you are stuffed whatever you do.

Maybe you just need to stop being so damn cool and friendly....but then she might be attracted to arseholes (sounds like she just broke up with one). Hmmm I give up.

If all else fails the truth is always an option.

Sorry I am not much help.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#442101 - 07/25/13 07:11 AM Re: Looks Like I Have A New Friend... (Oh Shit) [Re: BraveFalcon]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Ken,

You could tell the truth - if only for the sake of her watching her boy more carefully.

I would not recommend acting like you'd used to have relationships but were hurt and are done with them now. That's romantic-comedy, girl-tries-to-fix-you stuff and might actually draw her in, especially since she already knows you and probably doesn't know many other local guys.

Better off saying you're gay. Seriously.
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#442103 - 07/25/13 07:32 AM Re: Looks Like I Have A New Friend... (Oh Shit) [Re: BraveFalcon]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
make it about her "the last thing you need right now is a rebound relationship. do yourself a favor and don't jump into anything
..."
her eyes might light up at the prospect of a safe male friend. but what she probably needs right now are good female friends and those are sooo hard to come by for women.


Edited by GoldStone (07/25/13 07:33 AM)

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#442120 - 07/25/13 11:27 AM Re: Looks Like I Have A New Friend... (Oh Shit) [Re: BraveFalcon]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:22 PM)

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#442130 - 07/25/13 12:33 PM Re: Looks Like I Have A New Friend... (Oh Shit) [Re: BraveFalcon]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1343
Hey Ken -

Your concerns reminded me of a great line from Good Will Hunting about this very thing - the movie was just on last night and so I spontaneously shared it - but you could not have made it more clear how much I missed with my expression of support. It obviously had the opposite effect of my good intentions. This is your thread, sir. I respect that. So please accept my uneffusive, generic acknowledgements.


Edited by Chase Eric (07/26/13 01:09 AM)
Edit Reason: Reworded to offer less objectionable statement of support
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#442134 - 07/25/13 01:02 PM Re: Looks Like I Have A New Friend... (Oh Shit) [Re: BraveFalcon]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
face it, Ken - you are just irresistible!

i hope you can just relax and enjoy the neighbors and not worry about what-ifs.

you don't have to give any excuses or reasons for not taking a relationship in any particular direction. "just not feeling it" is enuf. it is entirely up to you.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#442137 - 07/25/13 01:23 PM Re: Looks Like I Have A New Friend... (Oh Shit) [Re: BraveFalcon]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
I was thinking while reading this that you are over thinking this whole thing. Then, of course, I got to the sentence where you state this. Personally, I hope my neighbors are not giving that much thought to me and my life. So, with that being said, I think the best action is be naturally yourself and continue on your quest for health.



Much love,

John

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#442153 - 07/25/13 04:54 PM ! [Re: BraveFalcon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:03 PM)

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