The line between my reality and the reality of what was done to me is dangerous for me to cross. I don't think I really grasp the reality of what was done to me and for many reasons.
Here's the thing. I was speaking with my psychologist the other day and he was trying to help me understand what was actually done to me. When he would say certain things about my abuser I had to hold in a laugh even though it was not even in the slightest funny. But to me, it seemed laughable to think that these things were even possible. I held back smirks, laughs, when I should be crying my eyes out. Curtis used me, he never loved me, he's a liar, a manipulator, he doesn't even know what love is, he wanted to hurt you because he gained pleasure from it. All these things are hard to believe, but I used to think I knew they were true. But maybe I'm just agreeing that they're true to get it to go away, to make people think I get it so they'll stop saying it. So I don't have to admit it to myself.
When my ex tried to hurt me, he said something like, "Curtis never loved you because you're personality sucks." It didn't hurt me at all, instead I laughed thinking, the jokes on you, of course he loved me.
But the reality is, he never loved me. Chances are he's incapable of love.
I still don't believe that, I do to an extent, but I'm still not seeing what really was done to me. But rarely it clicks, and I lose my mind in rage. My world is shattered. And all I can think about is killing Curtis. And a man with nothing to lose will do anything. He was probably the most important person in my entire life leading up to the beginning of 2012. It's not suicide I want, it's his life I want to take and do with as I please, just like he did with me. He played games with my life since I was 6, and I want to destroy his like he did mine. Given the right circumstances, I know I would do it. So maybe my mind is protecting me from throwing my life away, keeping me from crossing that line because I'm not ready. But it's maybe too late, because I was pushed across the line by being forced to realize what was done. What happens if I can't handle the truth?
My world shattered again yesterday, for the second time. The first time, I was ready to kill myself, this time I am ready to kill him.
There's absolutely no doubt in my mind, not even a sliver. I know full and wholeheartedly, if there were no law or if I could get away with it, I would make his life a living hell and make him beg to be killed. I swear on my life, he would know hell.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein