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#442008 - 07/24/13 11:11 AM it's over
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
I just woke up
I'm sitting here in front of the screen
with my cup of coffee
and trying not to scream
as the feeling that life as I know it now
will soon be over

I hoped it would last
at least for a little while
but the same old stirrings
the same old blurring
that feeling of my heart jumping into my throat
then plummeting to the pit of my stomach
has returned.

I can't think.
I can't breathe.
I can't keep my eyes open
and all I want to do is draw the blinds
throw my coffee against the wall
and crawl back into bed
forever
and cry.

Such good things have been happening in the last few months
but today I feel like so many times in my past
I knew it wouldn't last
I'm doomed
I'll get through today
an appointment later that should be a joyous one
I can see as good again as before
my diabetes is better controlled than it's been in years
I've lost 17 pounds
I have done some things around the house to pull myself out of my hole
thrown stuff out that has piled up during the last 5 years of my near total isolation
I have a cleaning company coming next week to take care of all the new furniture
and stuff that I bought after moving here ... having left everything behind and starting from scratch
that was all arranged and set up and made real nice
that has sat where it was put ... unused ... for 5 years.

This feeling won't go away.
It never has before.
I'm at the pinnacle of my last stupid effort to regain a life
looking down into the pit that was my life not so long ago
sliding ... sliding
with nothing to grab onto way to stop the descent
and as I know from bitter experience
I'll be rightb back where I escaped from
only a few months ago.

I was an idiot.

I'll keep my appointment because I'm not the sort to blow people off
I'll smile and laugh and as they believe they are dealing with the same old witty and charming Shawn
they'll really be seeing the beginning of the end
the very moment when a pleasant journey
turns into a train wreck

Where hope is lost again
and when I return home
to my prison
I'll draw the blinds
look at my cold half cup of coffee
crawl back into bed
and scream
and cry
until once again
I just won't care anymore



frown
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#442012 - 07/24/13 11:18 AM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
sorry, shy.

i am choking back tears and hoping desperately that this is either a chapter from the past - or a metaphor - and not your present reality. so much good in the middle of the poem...

please don't give up. you can climb back up.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#442013 - 07/24/13 11:27 AM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
thank you Lee

it's not a metaphor ... it's very real

I can't cope with the good stuff

I have to go back to the no stuff

my real home

my cell
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#442017 - 07/24/13 11:55 AM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Oh God ... I'm panicking!
I have to go!
These wonderful people gave me back my SIGHT!!!
They expect to see twinkling green eyes full of mirth
an impish ever present grin even when I could barely see
old world charm and impeccable manners
and an irreverent sense of humour that leaves them laughing and smiling.
I know they look forward to seeing me
I know what they expect
I don't think I can do it
I want to stay in my cell
I don't want to leave here.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#442018 - 07/24/13 11:56 AM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
and i'm making a fool of myself here.
I'll stop
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#442026 - 07/24/13 12:31 PM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
you are NOT a fool! say as much as you need to. we accept you as you are.

i just hate to see you hurting like this.

it is not about living up to other people's definitions of success or trying to conform to their expectations. don't feel bad about letting anybody else down. do what you need to do for you.

BUT - i know sometimes in the past i have sabotaged myself for no comprehensible reason. i learned eventually that i was doing it because i had such a low level of self-image that i didn't feel like i "deserved" anything better. i was "comfortable" with misery and couldn't adjust to anything more positive.

think about it. it is OK to get better.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#442032 - 07/24/13 02:40 PM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Very powerful and full of emotion shy,

I can feel every ounce of pain pouring from your heart.
Shy sometimes we need to remove the facade and show who we really are, the masks we all wear at times to shield our true selves from others often times can be more damaging to us. There has to be a point when we can unleash our emotions and share with others that "we are not ok". You dont have to be the same old witty shawn, allow yourself to show your emotions in your own level of comfort though. It can better help those around us to recognize that, yes we do need their help or even just a person to listen.

Shy be well, I pray you find peace. As cliche as it may sound, know we are here for you!

-Jay-

I know your pain....... you can get through it.
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#442055 - 07/24/13 06:39 PM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 204
Loc: canada
Thanks for sharing, Shyshark
I am sorry you are feeling so low and feeling like retreating, I think a lot of people can relate to that. Don't feel embarrassed about sharing, it really does help people, I know reading people's feelings here, especially in poetry, really helps me make sense of mine.
I am so sorry you are feeling like you need to live up to expectations of who you are. You are great, no matter if you are happy, sad, or totally retreated. I know sometimes in real life I try to be this super person who is better and wiser for all the stuff I've been through, and I think I've passed the statute of limitations on grieving and struggling according to the public at large. Sometimes we might want to be who others want and expect us to be, but I guess we just have to be us. For the record, I'm glad you are here no matter who you are.
Ben

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#442056 - 07/24/13 06:54 PM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Thank you Ben
Thank you guys.

It's better now.
This kind of thing is exhausting so I'm going to lay down and hopefully sleep a while.
BBL

and thnx again ... your being here helps me to be here.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#442072 - 07/24/13 10:31 PM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
It's bad again
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

Top
#442166 - 07/25/13 08:09 PM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
I can't really express anything to you in words...

(((Shyshark)))
_________________________
Husky

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#442272 - 07/26/13 09:13 PM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Hi guys ...

All is well again.

Thank you so much for your support.

I beg a favour.

If you know somebody else who is bipolar
please please ...

try to understand.

For some ... the ride they take can be described as nothing less than horrendous ...
especially if they have the 'rapid cycle' problem ...
like I do.

Life is mostly level for me ... but what just happened is ... sadly ... not rare.

I can wake up in the morning and want to scream ... because I know what's happening
and what's in store for me ... and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
It's not that I lose control of myself ... it's that I lose all rational perspective.
I'm an insomniac because I dread going to bed ...
because it always hits in the night
and waits for me to wake up.

Some mornings I'd like nothing more than to put my head in a wood chipper.
By noon I can be skipping through a high-end men's clothing store clutching a red hot credit card
in my greedy little fist.
By late afternoon I'm looking for the wood chipper again.
In the early evening I can be at a fancy restaurant serving exotic things that nobody in their right minds would think was food ...
and enjoying every disgusting minute of it.
(Really ... how hungry was the first Frenchman when he decided to eat snails!)
By bedtime I don't want to get in the bed.
I want to get under it ... and lay there ...
and wait for death.

It's exhausting ... so you crave sleep ... but are afraid of it ...
afraid that when you wake up ... it will not have gone ... it will still be there.
Luckily this kind of severity doesn't happen often ... or last long ... but it can lead to a long depression.

Tragically ...
more people with Bipolar Disorder take their own lives than those with any other mental illness.

Oddly ... the doom and gloom is always about the present ... and how it's all about to come apart.
I never think of my abuse or the bullying or the repeated loss of my dear ones.

So ... this is probably a little more than you would like know ...

... but there it is.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#442274 - 07/26/13 09:27 PM Re: it's over [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
take note ...

I said I never think of the loss of my dear ones ...

That isn't true ... I do think of them ...
but in terms of 'loss'

The whole thing for me is about 'loss'

I'm about to lose something I care about.

It's why I isolate.
If you don't care about anything ...
there's nothing to lose.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

Top
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