I just woke up
I'm sitting here in front of the screen
with my cup of coffee
and trying not to scream
as the feeling that life as I know it now
will soon be over
I hoped it would last
at least for a little while
but the same old stirrings
the same old blurring
that feeling of my heart jumping into my throat
then plummeting to the pit of my stomach
I can't think.
I can't breathe.
I can't keep my eyes open
and all I want to do is draw the blinds
throw my coffee against the wall
and crawl back into bed
Such good things have been happening in the last few months
but today I feel like so many times in my past
I knew it wouldn't last
I'll get through today
an appointment later that should be a joyous one
I can see as good again as before
my diabetes is better controlled than it's been in years
I've lost 17 pounds
I have done some things around the house to pull myself out of my hole
thrown stuff out that has piled up during the last 5 years of my near total isolation
I have a cleaning company coming next week to take care of all the new furniture
and stuff that I bought after moving here ... having left everything behind and starting from scratch
that was all arranged and set up and made real nice
that has sat where it was put ... unused ... for 5 years.
This feeling won't go away.
It never has before.
I'm at the pinnacle of my last stupid effort to regain a life
looking down into the pit that was my life not so long ago
sliding ... sliding
with nothing to grab onto way to stop the descent
and as I know from bitter experience
I'll be rightb back where I escaped from
only a few months ago.
I was an idiot.
I'll keep my appointment because I'm not the sort to blow people off
I'll smile and laugh and as they believe they are dealing with the same old witty and charming Shawn
they'll really be seeing the beginning of the end
the very moment when a pleasant journey
turns into a train wreck
Where hope is lost again
and when I return home
to my prison
I'll draw the blinds
look at my cold half cup of coffee
crawl back into bed
until once again
I just won't care anymore