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#442004 - 07/24/13 10:12 AM Something my T said
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Hi guys. Last week my T made a statement and its been bouncing around my head for the last 5 days. I was a very lonely and neglected boy before the abuse started - and he thinks this is a reason it was easy for me to become a victim. And I still believe that I am responsible - even though in my head I know it's not true.

But he said he thinks I feel this way because the abuse was "exciting" and became my "thing", going so far as comparing it to a kid who live and sleeps sport where baseball may be his "thing". I don't like that and spoke up because I did have other things - I skateboarded, played street hockey, read, and loved music.

On my second appointment I mentioned MS and he said he was not familiar. Two weeks later I brought MS up and he mentioned he sounded like he was and had been familiar with the site.

It's weird. I'm also seeing a psyche nurse for meds and sent him a note on this. I also mentioned that someone from here told me he thought I needs to find a tree hugger and not a Frazier Crane. His response sounded like he was pissed - I don't know any "hippie" therapists and you need to talk to your T.

Does any of this sound odd to you?
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#442014 - 07/24/13 11:48 AM Re: Something my T said [Re: mattheal]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1202
Gosh, Matthew, I can't but wonder if this is a semantics issue more than anything else. I mean, even though my own therapist never mentioned anything like that to me, the fact is that when I was going through it, it kind of was my "thing". Not that I dug it or liked it or even sought it out - but in the sense that it occupied most of my thoughts even when it wasn't happening. And when it was, it occupied most of my senses. It was my thing because it was his thing. And I was 12 and he was 15 and that's just the way it was.

It sort of reminds me of a discussion here on the boards not too long ago in which someone claimed he disowned the phrase "my molester." He wasn't MY molester was his contention - he wasn't "my" anything, as if by denying the semantics of such ownership, we distance ourselves from the whole mess. I suppose that's not right or wrong - it just reflects the process that makes the most sense to him and I respect that. My truth is different. My own path took me in the opposite direction. I had to own it before I could release it. You can't throw a baseball until you first catch it.

We were just wired to respond. Ever notice how there is specifically no punch abuse forum anywhere? There is no slap abuse forum? Yeah - there are generic abuse sites that encompass a wide range of physical abuses like that, but the sexual abuse category stands out by itself. And for good reason. If you punch me in the solar plexus, I'll double over in pain. There is no argument between my mind and my body on my reaction. But with sex, it's different. Your mind says no and your voice says no, but when it starts, your body sometimes says yes. That's the crime of it. It's more than just an intimate trespass. It sets up a civil war within ourselves. For me, I hated what he was doing to me, but my body turned traitor every time. Go through that several times in your childhood and no wonder so many of us can't trust ourselves, no wonder we don't want to know ourselves, no wonder we are disgusted with ourselves on some deep level.

Your "thing"? If you're like me, you had little choice but to make it your thing. It's not your fault if it was. You were a child. This is precisely the step in my therapy that was the hardest. I had to own my reactions to what he did to me instead of running away and denying them. That was necessary to reconcile me with me, to stop the civil war within myself, and to start to become "whole" again.
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#442021 - 07/24/13 12:15 PM Re: Something my T said [Re: mattheal]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 545
Matt,

In a nutshell, yes it does sound odd.

I don't have any experience with a T, so please take my two cents with a pinch of salt...

The fact that he wavered about his position regarding his familiarity with MS suggests he is not completely honest with you. And - to suggest that you feel guilty about your abuse because you felt it to be your "thing" and "exciting"...makes me wonder if your T is certified in the first place. And comparing CSA to how a passionate kid would feel about baseball is so mind-bogglingly insane that - and I'm sorry to say this - I actually think your T deserves a good bitch-slap across the face. It makes me really angry that your T would say something like that.

If I can suggest something a bit more positive - maybe the guilt/responsibility you feel at the moment is a way of your present adult self communicating with your inner child. You are indeed responsible for that kid inside you now. But at the time of abuse - and I know you've heard this a million times already - you weren't in a position to defend yourself. You were vulnerable, powerless and helpless...there were supposed to be adults there to look after you, and the responsibility lies with them.
_________________________
The ratio of good to bad people in this world will always be tipped in favor of the latter. Always. But that ratio in your own social circle, you can control. And there, and only there, can the balance be favorably tipped, so that those who love you far outnumber those who don't.

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#442022 - 07/24/13 12:20 PM Re: Something my T said [Re: mattheal]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Matt

Get that thought out of your head and the emotion out of your heart. You were not responsible for what happened--I fought that thought and feelings forever and finally I am realizing and accepting--I was a child and he manipulated and controlled me. Until I accepted it was not my fault, I was letting him control me.

Do you feel safe and comfortable with your T? If not, it may not be the right fit.

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#442025 - 07/24/13 12:30 PM Re: Something my T said [Re: mattheal]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Tell him what you told us.

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#442027 - 07/24/13 12:40 PM Re: Something my T said [Re: mattheal]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3204
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: mattheal
And I still believe that I am responsible - even though in my head I know it's not true.

yup - i thought that too - and probly 99% of the rest of us. it takes a while - but i'm over it now. keep telling yourself and some day you'll believe it.

Originally Posted By: mattheal
But he said he thinks I feel this way because the abuse was "exciting" and became my "thing", going so far as comparing it to a kid who live and sleeps sport where baseball may be his "thing".

not to justify it - if he meant what you seem to think he meant - but i have another possible interpretation. when i got into therapy i was scared of losing my "self" because the abuse victim was so much a part of my self-defined identity that i didn't know if i would be able to know and like a new "self" that defined me differently. that image had become my "thing" - i felt different and special because of my secret. i am mostly over that now, too. i accept it as part of who i am but not the main thing. i am more than that. maybe that is what the T meant?

Originally Posted By: mattheal
On my second appointment I mentioned MS and he said he was not familiar. Two weeks later I brought MS up and he mentioned he sounded like he was and had been familiar with the site.

maybe he had looked it up in between?

not trying to make you doubt your own instincts - but don't want you to be overly paranoid either.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#442030 - 07/24/13 01:49 PM Re: Something my T said [Re: traveler]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1202
Originally Posted By: Lee
when i got into therapy i was scared of losing my "self" because the abuse victim was so much a part of my self-defined identity that i didn't know if i would be able to know and like a new "self" that defined me differently. that image had become my "thing" - i felt different and special because of my secret.

Resonance! My world became quickly black and white with the issue of sex abuse. There were just those on top and those on the bottom (I didn't call them abusers or victims back then). Watching him molest others left a huge negative impression on me. It was so repulsive and probably was an accelerant in pushing me to embrace my own victimhood at some level. It was actually easier to have him molest me than watch him molest the others - especially my little sister. So much for the vampire syndrome in my case - I never could be HIM to anyone else - I think I'd retch.

Did not mean to get off-topic on Matt's concerns, but Lee makes an important point.
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#442044 - 07/24/13 05:26 PM ! [Re: mattheal]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:04 PM)

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#442054 - 07/24/13 06:37 PM Re: Something my T said [Re: mattheal]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
While it is certainly true some children are more at risk than others due to socio-economic and cultural conditions I am of the opinion every child is technically "easily made into a victim." All children lack the physical stature, intellectual capacity, and emotional experience to either fight the abuse or its after effects. In short, none of us survivors really had a chance or a choice in the matter. Personally, I struggle with this as well. I can sit here and explain to anyone why their abuse wasn't his/her fault but as far as convincing myself, at least emotionally, that's been more difficult than the intellectual aspect.

As far as your therapist is concerned if you are comfortable being honest with him go ahead and follow Poorsoft's advice of telling him. If his reaction is negative then maybe it is time to switch therapists because any CSA therapist worth his/her salt knows damn well those sorts of thoughts are not only normal but to be expected and encouraged as part of the healing process : P
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#442090 - 07/25/13 01:54 AM Re: Something my T said [Re: mattheal]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
I appreciate everyone's posts. I'm thinking the reason it has been bouncing around my brain is because there is some truth to it. I believe I am moving the phrase "the truth hurts" from the know column to the understand column. Thank you!
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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