About a month ago, the CSA got to be too much. So, I decided to drop everything about it. I stopped coming to MS, stopped talking to everyone related to this site, and just tried to live a normal life. The problem is, CSA just doesn't go away.
I feel like I can't talk about the CSA with anyone anymore. All they do is compliment me, and I hate compliments. I don't need to hear about how i'm such a good guy, or that i'll overcome this abuse, etc. It doesn't get to the heart of the issue. I feel stained, like i'll never ever be able to be normal, to be the 5/6.
I tried to accept the fact that everything happened, accept the fact that I feel stained, accept the fact that i'll never be able to live a normal life. That i'll always be someone's sloppy seconds.
I feel like i'm out of options at this point, feel like I can't really talk to anyone without fear of just a barrage of compliments, feel like I'll never be able to just accept it and move on with my life. CSA just doesn't go away, it just doesn't. Damn it. I just want it to go away, I want to be normal, I want to be fresh and clean, I don't want to be sloppy seconds, I want to be Brian, a 5/6, but I never will be, because this is a stain that doesn't wash out. No matter how hard I try to move on, it doesn't go away, it never will, once the paper is crumpled up, it can never be perfect again.
I'm just feeling so done. Thought posting might help.