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#441350 - 07/19/13 11:40 AM Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1716
I have a recurring dream/nightmare. It goes back and forth between me and another boy who I call by a name but the name and face I do not know. Then I switch to another boy and me who I know and recognize his name. In both shots the perp is there, smirking and forcing actions. Why can I remember one boy and not the other. It is driving me crazy.

The boy I remember is older and would say we have to do it to get out of here. I think he was trying to be kind and console me. The boy I do not remember looks and seems younger than I.

Anyone else have people in their nightmares that they cannot identify. Any thoughts on how to resolve this? thanks


Edited by KMCINVA (07/19/13 12:22 PM)

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#441381 - 07/19/13 03:53 PM Re: Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3451
Loc: somewhere in Africa
KMC -

i used to have a recurring nightmare that featured a very dominant shadowy figure who stood behind me and commanded my submission and obedience. for the longest time i didn't know who it was or what it represented. after i remembered significant events of my childhood and recognized them as abuse, it became overwhelmingly obvious who that person was - one of the main perps - the step-dad. while i was repressing or denying everything, i could not tell what it meant. my dream was very symbolic and did not represent actual literal events - but more the general theme and atmosphere of the abuse, relationship and its effect upon me.

my questions for you would be - do you think that the dream represents actual events - or could it be more symbolic? from what you remember of your past, does the dream correspond in important details to what you already know? do you think it is revealing details of a previously unknown incident? is it important to your progress and healing and peace of mind to know if it should be taken literally or can can you be satisfied with a more generalized interpretation of the dream? can you put into words what you think it means - given that you do not know the identity of this person?

my experience has been that worrying compulsively over something that seems elusive does not help to bring it to light. in fact, sometimes it works the other way - that by consciously deciding to leave it alone, sometimes it just comes back unexpectedly at the right time.

please don't let this throw you off-track. i am confident that you will eventually figure this out - as you have done with so many other challenges in the past. keep movin on...

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#441383 - 07/19/13 04:09 PM Re: Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1716
The older boy I remember being there and being told what he needed to do and if he did not the perp would do it to me. I remember his nsme and can see his face and his black curly hair. He tried to be gentle. I remember a few years later hearing he died, heard suicide or drugs. He was real and I hated him until recently when I returned to the place of the abusre I saw him and only then did I realize he did not want to hurt me, it was the priest who was in control. So that part is real, the older boy. The other boy whose name I hear in my dream and his face I sseeis the one who haunts me. I am older and seem to be saying the same things to him as the older boy said to me. I just do not know but it seems real. I always hope I am at the end of the memories but s new seems to be there.

It is in my dreams/nightmares which I cannot always control. Thsnk you and I will try to put it aside, always easier said than done. Thanks

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#441385 - 07/19/13 04:14 PM Re: Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3451
Loc: somewhere in Africa
sounds to me like this part of the dream illustrates the familiar fear among survivors that the vampire myth will come true in their lives. maybe that is why you cannot recognize the other boy's face - because there was no one that you did anything to - only the fear that other people instilled in you - that you might.



Edited by traveler (07/19/13 04:16 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#441386 - 07/19/13 04:22 PM Re: Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1716
I am do not think this is the case. I see both the perp and the older boy. I see the face of this other boy. They seem connected in the nightmares. I keeping ask myself was there another boy in the cellar with us. It is just a fear that anither child was hurt when I was there with him and the perp and I did not stop it.

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#441437 - 07/20/13 12:18 AM Re: Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing [Re: KMCINVA]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I had a lot these kinds of memories shrouded under fear. It is as if the memory is covered by the emotion of fear, the emotion is somehow tied to the suppression. You only see the emotion, the rest is suppressed, yet after it comes back you will see it affects your actions even today… It took years of nightmares to cover up the abuse to block it out and years of nightmares to come back. I had a lot of this fear before the full memories surfaced.

They started to come back 3.5 years ago. They just kept coming, and still keep coming. When the memories of the rape at 8 years old stopped coming the memories of the sexual abuse at 17 started. In fact new memories about obscure facts about the abuse at 17 have recently only surfaced. The suppression of these memories caused so many problems. If they had come back all at once it would have killed me.

I have been away from this site for awhile now. In so many ways nothing changes. People discussing the same things. Picking at it won’t do any good. I have said this many times before on this site, and seen it said many more: You will recall the memory if and when you become strong enough to handle it. Some of the obscure facts may have never been suppressed and may never come back.
_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#441471 - 07/20/13 12:29 PM Re: Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1716
Thanks. I had a bad night and morning. I had nightmares and a flashback about the boy and being in the cellar with him and the perp. It feels so real and that is why I am having so much trouble putting it away. I currently live in a place that I am taunted about the abuse and acting out during fugues, etc. I know this does not help, it adds to the emotional stress level. Today I am wiped out, feeling unfocused and somewhat lost. I am counting time to help keep me in the present.

I have been thinking hard about the boy I cannot remember, because I remember the older boy so vividly. I even remember when he died (it was either drugs or suicide) my parents went up to his parents at church to say they were sorry. I can see his father, tall grey hair and big glasses, he asked if I knew his son. I said yes but I was still hurt and confused believing his son did harm to me in the cellar and only after visiting the place of the abuse recently did I realize he was being used and controlled by the abuser. I wish I could have told his parents because it may have helped them understand his death. They probably never knew and I regret I did not give them information that may have given them comfort. The other boy is there and I am having trouble putting him away. I have worked hard on healing and always begin to think the memories will stop and new memories have stopped for several months until this one.I am going to try to take your advise and not focus on it, and maybe I will begin to understand who this boy is and why he is in the cellar.

Your second to last sentence hit me. Maybe this is the trauma I have yet to accept and I am not yet ready to face it.


Edited by KMCINVA (07/20/13 12:47 PM)

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#441472 - 07/20/13 01:15 PM Re: Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3451
Loc: somewhere in Africa
one more idea - could the other unknown boy represent you - a dissociated or lost part of yourself that you need to connect with - the part of you that feels like an innocent victim and shares no part of the sense of shame and guilt - and that you are mourning for?
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#441478 - 07/20/13 02:49 PM Re: Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1716
Thanks for your thoughts. Sometime since my last post I ended up in thc car and ended up 35 miles away from the office. Not sure how or why I drove. I am scared. It was said here fear holds back memories. The older boy, whose name begins with T, was physically mature. I was not, i was a late bloomer. It was not just body parts he had to use but objects-small metal crucifix and holy water wand. I fear the young boy who the priest calls a name that begins with J, and I were forced to do things. I get physically sick thinking of the possibility and I am sad for J. I would never want to hurt anyone. I use to get physically sick when I began to accept the abuse with the priest and what T was made to do to me. I hope feeling this way is not a sign about what may have happened with J. I am also sad T died. I blame the bast**d. It is sick what he did to many.

I am near one of the multiple facilities my gym has. I think I will work aand hopefullyy that will minimize the thoughts. I am beside myself with these thoughts.


Edited by KMCINVA (07/20/13 02:59 PM)

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#441480 - 07/20/13 03:03 PM Re: Dreams, Nightmares Unknown Person Keeps Appearing [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1716
What is so sad is how many fragmented parts of us were created from the abuse? And people think there are no long term effects from csa. It robs us of who will are. We have to reconnect all the pieces and this is not easy.

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