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#414071 - 10/23/12 01:49 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
I dont know can't_remember, since I don't see it or haven't found it, maybe I don't recognize it. I'm just afraid of it as anger was always bad before. It is one of those things I don't understand, but I know I have a good T and I think the guy T she wants me to talk to will help too. I have to keep trying to move forward now that I've started and I will. Thanks for your support! smile
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#414082 - 10/23/12 03:57 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
You are absolutely right about a few things:

1) the only way to move is forward once you've broken the seal on recovery, even when it's hard to do; 2) I think seeing a guy T will be good (for me it was the opposite, was easy to tell a man but tougher with a woman T, so we're all different)... and 3) not understanding your emotions is a common CSA survivor trait, and maybe one of the worst.

PM me if you need to, little brother. You know I'm here for you.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#414087 - 10/23/12 04:55 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Thanks can't_remember, I appreciate it. I don't know why it feels like EVERYTHING has to be a challenge, difficult, etc. But that's life I guess and I choose life. I'll post how it's going in a few weeks unless something miraculous happens and I do believe in miracles from Him. smile
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#414274 - 10/25/12 09:08 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Finding anger and it bites big time. This can't be good. Have to keep moving forward anyway but I hate this part.


Edited by BuffaloCO (10/25/12 09:11 PM)
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#414306 - 10/26/12 03:03 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Push threw it Buff... I will go threw it with ya bro.. we cant walk the second mile until we walk the first
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#414345 - 10/26/12 09:48 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Ok, I will push through it and I am not giving up. Maybe once I find the source of it and let it go, that will give me new strength. My T says I have a right to be angry. I don't know how to be angry when I don't even know who they were except that there were at least 5 of them by the time I was 9 years old. So I'll trust my T to show me what I need to do. I trust her, my T, and the new guy she has me talking to even though I didn't want to talk to a guy. She says I need to so I can learn to trust males. I didn't know even that I don't trust males. So I'm learning new stuff I guess, and no way am I going to let this ruin my whole life by stopping even if this hurts a lot right now. Thanks for the support and prayers!
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#414560 - 10/28/12 02:17 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
pgreenelee Offline


Registered: 10/28/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Tennessee
Hey man, kudos to you for feeling the pain and anger and pushing through. May I have the courage to do the same.
_________________________
Patrick Greenelee

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#418453 - 12/07/12 05:58 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
There will be an end to the number of steps it takes to get free, but how many I don't know. Now more memories are coming to the surface of what those 4 men in the car did to me when I was 8 or 9. Triggered. This week I saw Hot Wheels in the toy store and their tracks, reminding me those tracks were used to hit me. Triggered. I hate triggers, but I think that only by facing them can I be free of them. I don't know how to deal with them but my T. will. When I learn how to face them down they won't make me cry anymore. I am so tired of crying too, but it will also end someday. I will not let this ruin Christmas for me, never never again!
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#423623 - 01/29/13 05:01 PM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Sorry to say, December was pretty bad but I'm sticking with my goal above. I am not going to let this stuff ruin my Christmas next year, or any year after that ever again. I am finally going to start working with my new T next week on learning how to stomp out triggers and memories, so they no longer mean anything to me. He says we can get to a point where they no longer make me cry or hurt inside, and I believe him. We have to believe in someone to get through it I think. After that will work on trust, then all the fractal parts of me inside. I don't know how many steps are left, but one step down is one behind. smile
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#423715 - 01/30/13 08:20 AM Re: Trying to Start [Re: BuffaloCO]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: BuffaloCO
He says we can get to a point where they no longer make me cry or hurt inside, and I believe him.


Keep doing the work BuffCo, you will get there. There's a life as a whole healthy man waiting for you on the other side.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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