i, too, suffer from premature childhood sexuality.
it is a very touchy subject for me, and i feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable when discussing it.
i causes confusion, and i prefer control.
i usually TRY to avoid the topic,
and if i DO check it out, i stick to reading rather that risking exposure through posting.

however, as i was lurking, something Magellan said popped right off the page. memory trigger!

Originally Posted By: Magellan
A horribly confusing thought...

What if I have simply been acting out on 'ssa', and I am really not gay after all? What if this is the only 'love' I've ever known due to severe neglect? What if my identity as being genuinely attracted to guys is false?

I am aware of the debate over ssa vs. being gay. I don't come to conclusions about anyone else's take and experience. But I did accept my attractions, and now wonder if I have been acting out and repeating the only behaviors I've ever known to feel close to another.


this thought came to me about 30 years ago, Magellan, in my mid 20's.
it may not apply to anyone else, but...
in my case, it was true.

i was acting out.
i was accepting offers from both sexes for all the wrong reasons.
i was able to "function" both ways...
but, after many years of experiments, my "hands on" experiences taught me that i was attracted to women.
i was not homosexual, nor was i bisexual.
i was hopelessly hetero,
and to my complete shock and horror, monogamous on the inside.
i decided to become abstinent until i sorted it out.
of course, i never truly became 100% sex-free, but i became really good at avoiding and refusing unnecessary physical contact by setting up ridiculously high defense fences.

during this time, i also realized that i was more than my sexual identity or the roles i choose to play.
my actions and my history do not define me,
except in the eyes of others.
i am more than my thoughts and feelings.
that goes for every man, woman, and child, including whoever might read this.


i slowly evolved from a promiscuous hedonistic nihilist libertine
(a label i was proud of and worked hard to cultivate)
into my new carefully crafted character...
faithful father and happy husband.
if she doesn't get rid of me before august 4th, we will be celebrating our 22nd anniversary.
of course, i had to marry a woman as hard as me,
so there is plenty of friction.
you know the old physics riddle...
QUESTION: what happens when an unstoppable force collides with an immovable object?
ANSWER: we got married.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry