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#441352 - 07/19/13 11:45 AM I hurt
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
just where I've been lately guys hoping for better days

I hurt. It is not the kind of thing that I can even diagnose or identify, I just hurt. I know that there are people who share this pain and I feel for them all but it doesnít help just now. I also know there are those who do not have this experience and I am, in my way, glad for them. But just now it is difficult. I donít begrudge then their happiness, their contentment; I just ache to share it. I know there will be a time again when it will come but oh how I hate feeling this way. There is no reason to it. There is no thinking my way back. I can look at the things that I have and they mean little. Certainly I donít mean material things, though I have all I need, but the really important things in my life seem to be so empty. It seems that the more people want to care, the more I want to push them back. The closer they want to be to me, or to help, the more I want to run or to hide. I fear each time that this feeling will never leave, that this will be a constant drain and what then? What if the ones who love me finally see me for who I am? I have tried to be someone worthy of love and yet it feels like a veneer, a shabby attempt to hide the poor workmanship that has been my life. And the worst of this all is that I know it is NOT TRUE! I cannot be someone, live as something and yet have it all be a lie it cannot be true. Somewhere in here is something but why can I not see past this feeling, this damn funk.Nothing is right and it seems it is more than I can do to make it that way.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#441360 - 07/19/13 01:13 PM Re: I hurt [Re: newground]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Newground,

It does not appear that you can be consoled right now, and I say that despite so desperately wanting to do that. For certain there are high days and low days.

What I want to offer instead is a sincere thank you. I was feeling really bad the other day, and posted about it. You came to my rescue, simply telling me that what I was feeling was normal, that I was not to blame, and illustrating that you had the same thought on one point in my post. Our wounds are deep and sometimes the scars open up. But your post was more than a band aid. It made me feel better for a moment. YOU DID THAT. And I am thankful for you and your insight. I am thankful for the time you devote to this community.

I'm sorry you are feeling down. I wish I could offer the kind of support you did for me. I wish you could offer that same compassion I so admire in you to yourself.

(((((( u )))))
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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