just where I've been lately guys hoping for better days
I hurt. It is not the kind of thing that I can even diagnose or identify, I just hurt. I know that there are people who share this pain and I feel for them all but it doesnít help just now. I also know there are those who do not have this experience and I am, in my way, glad for them. But just now it is difficult. I donít begrudge then their happiness, their contentment; I just ache to share it. I know there will be a time again when it will come but oh how I hate feeling this way. There is no reason to it. There is no thinking my way back. I can look at the things that I have and they mean little. Certainly I donít mean material things, though I have all I need, but the really important things in my life seem to be so empty. It seems that the more people want to care, the more I want to push them back. The closer they want to be to me, or to help, the more I want to run or to hide. I fear each time that this feeling will never leave, that this will be a constant drain and what then? What if the ones who love me finally see me for who I am? I have tried to be someone worthy of love and yet it feels like a veneer, a shabby attempt to hide the poor workmanship that has been my life. And the worst of this all is that I know it is NOT TRUE! I cannot be someone, live as something and yet have it all be a lie it cannot be true. Somewhere in here is something but why can I not see past this feeling, this damn funk.Nothing is right and it seems it is more than I can do to make it that way.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"