I have been wondering. Nowadays I can allow myself to be me most of the time. I have tried so hard to escape me, to avoid being myself. I have been the macho guy, i have been the cute flirtatious guy, but underneath the surface I have never been able to feel good about it. I always wanted to make an impression, wanted to convey an image, someone likable as opposed to me.
Now I really think that I am likeable, as I am, I am ok, nothing wrong with me, I am doing my best and I have the same rights as any other person, except for those who have committed a crime.
My point is that it is quite difficult just being me, cause I am so vulnerable. Mostly I believe that other men want me sexually and that is really hard for me. I still am that victim my father moulded. How can I make this disappear, how can I get some trust back?
I long so much to be accepted as one of the guys in the gang, but the fear makes it difficult to relax.
Also in my mind, there are thoughts: that having sex with other men makes me belong, sort of be accepted. I know that this has to do with what my father did. He only recognized me as a sexual individual. It is like: men do this stuff and it is normal. It means that you are a man.
Sometimes it is the reverse: men shouldn't do those things, it is not normal behaviour and it is disgusting.
I don't know if I am making myself clear now.
These problems come up very often and whatever mood I am in, I always fear men, that is the only regularity in the confusion.
I am dealing with so many emotions, it is hard.
Being heterosexual and still having that problem: I still have to deal with men. They are so threatening.
I know it all is a product of the abuse. If I can trust again, I guess the thoughts, which I think have to do with control will go away. I was brought up in a very special way.
I am sorry if this all got really messy. It is a complicated story. Hopefully some of you will understand some of it.