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#441183 - 07/17/13 04:23 PM trusting
wavvver Offline


Registered: 04/05/12
Posts: 4
Loc: peterborough,on ,canada
Hello! just wondering if it is just me, or other people still have trust issues?? It seems to b a big hurdle 4 me. I either trust 2 much or not enough. where is the happy mediu.????

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#441215 - 07/17/13 10:11 PM Re: trusting [Re: wavvver]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
trust is always an issue for me.

i believe... trust, like respect, cannot be freely given... it must be earned incrementally over time. treat it like you would your life savings. you wouldn't just invest them into anything. you would do your due diligence and research the possible risk versus potential reward. this has more to do with how you let others treat you, than how you treat others.

just my own personal opinion and experience.
hope this helps.
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Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#441225 - 07/17/13 11:46 PM Re: trusting [Re: wavvver]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Same with me wavvver. I am back to working on trust stuff with my T, how 2 really see people without my own blocks in the way, storyboarding people into something they are not either good or bad. I also trust to much or not enough and don't know yet how to fix that, but will keep trying.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#441243 - 07/18/13 08:43 AM Re: trusting [Re: wavvver]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
wavvver,

I have the same problem. I jump head-first into the water or I stay completely out of it - I don't tread carefully. I put up a good social facade most of the time to hide the fact that I have a hard time trusting. And when I do put all my money in, I seem to have trusted the wrong person.

I suppose partially why this happens is because abuse leaves us so deprived of a strong and stable figure on whom we can depend for support - this idealized figure, we end up projecting onto people we meet, and more often than not, they don't seem to fit our demands, our craving.

I've never thought this out, but my initial thoughts about remedying this comes down to a careful titration of your expectations of those who you meet. Lower down your expectations, and only increase them if they prove time and again that they can be trusted.

Best of luck on your healing.
_________________________
Husky

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#441246 - 07/18/13 09:33 AM Re: trusting [Re: wavvver]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i think this is a very common trait of survivors - sometimes the extreme trustfulness preceeds the abuse and leads to it - and sometimes it is a result of it. either extreme may be a product of abuse - for instance those who blindly re-enact the events by getting together with untrustworthy people. obviously the total distrustfulness fits really well as an after-effect (that is my pattern).

that being said - i also think that going to opposite or polarized extremes is also typical of us. like our approach to sex - total avoidance and phobia - or obsessive acting out to the point of addiction. you can probly fill in the blanks here with other extreme opposites.

on the other hand - sometimes lack of trust is a good thing - that may have saved us from further trauma - but a balance is needed or you become isolated and lonely.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#441293 - 07/18/13 09:32 PM Re: trusting [Re: wavvver]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
so sad but true, traveler.

every time, before i was molested or raped, i got that "gut feeling" of suspicion, which i then chose to ignore.
having made that mistake of choosing to ignore my instinct, i became a victim.
after enough of this betrayal, i stopped ignoring the little voice in my heart.
it is almost always right, and i cannot afford to take any more chances.
as soon as i get that "gut feeling" i am gone.
this policy has saved me many times.

i have to know someone a long time before i even care to learn their name.
i avoid dependency like a disease, because that might force me to continue relationships with people i no longer trust.
i have a one-strike policy with strangers, colleagues and associates.
i am considered intolerant, but i don't care.
i will not call someone friend until i have known them long enough to trust them with my life.
with these high expectations, you can understand why i can count my friends on one hand.


RELIGION WARNING!
the bible commands me to love my neighbour,
no mention of trusting my neighbour.
in fact, it advises me to put my faith and trust only in the creator, NOT mankind.
people are weak and selfish... we can't help it.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#442073 - 07/24/13 11:15 PM Re: trusting [Re: wavvver]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
I read this once and the topic was to painful to comment on for me. One of the first comments to my intro was from V.V. and while it was welcoming it was also warning me to be careful. I guess I came across as too trusting of everyone here and he saw that. At first it was a scary thing to read and then I realized he was trying to protect me from getting hurt and that made me feel pretty good.

Yep, I want to see the best in everyone and love them for all their good traits. I err on the side of trusting too much these days (until i'm triggered and then go into hiding for a while). Have I been hurt? - yep. Did I go into hiding? - yep, but not for long. Have I been able to make some friends after 25 years of self isolation? - YES!

Will I ever be balanced? - can't see it happening anytime soon.

I guess my only alternative it to learn how to pick myself up better. At this rate I will get very efficient at it.

Thanks for the topic wavvver.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#442102 - 07/25/13 07:29 AM Re: trusting [Re: wavvver]
Parrotpaws Offline


Registered: 07/24/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Massachusetts
Wavvver,

Trust is a huge issue. For me I've always had this line that I won't allow a relationship to go past, its evolved over the years usually after I hit rock bottom and realize I need a stronger support system than the one I currently have. There are a select group of people which I've shared a lot with and I still constantly find myself, usually instinctively, pushing them away or lashing out in a way that I've used in the past to insinuate I really don't need them. I've def. come to realize even when I get to the point where I can trust someone enough to date them and have an actual relationship, which is something I've actively avoided, that there is always gonna be this part of me that will want to shut everyone out and lock myself in my room because thats how I thought was the best way to protect myself.

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#442209 - 07/26/13 04:19 AM Re: trusting [Re: wavvver]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Trust is a huge issue for me too. Obviously a huge issue for many of us here. I'm comforted and encouraged knowing I'm not alone in this, I hope it helps you to know that too.

Welcome and all the best on your healing journey.

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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