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#441063 - 07/16/13 03:32 PM A nightmare, a dream, and a bed for both
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
I'm staying in the country, a place totally lacking the distractions and structures of the city. For me, this is challenging. Having little to "hold on to," my mind - and especially my dreams - wander into dangerous territory. I hear voices from the past, and I get presentiments of pictures. Perhaps you can imagine that this is both frightening and encouraging. I hurt, but I might be getting somewhere.

The night before last I had a nightmare. One of the worst I've ever had. In the moments I was aware, before I became conscious, I found myself in total blackness, immobile - as in suspended animation. I was trapped, and I felt it. Part of me (another me who dissociated?) could hear rough voices, could feel body blows, and I (this me, anyway) could see figures around. While I knew I was the center of their action, I also knew that the figures did not care about me at all. I felt like furniture.

As awareness evolved into consciousness, I struggled - feeling more and more trapped and afraid. I was able to leap out of bed, I was able to shout,"Stop!! Help! Can you turn on a light?!" My partner woke me, and helped me understand where I was.

Returning to sleep - I was exhausted - bad dreams continued, and the following day I felt quite ill. Last night I had another dream, a strange dream. It was of a normal family household, or normal for part of my life: lots of drinking and inexplicable behavior, innapropriate touching by my mother (my dad rarely appears in my dreams). But in the dream - I was a visitor. I had a curious strength, almost I felt like I was a character of power. The people I was watching were a mess, they were broken, and I was whole.

The little boy in the dream (who looked like little me) was abused and neglected. But he was sweet. He believed in something. He reached out to me and I loved him. I woke just as I was telling someone that i would visit the boy, I would help him, I would take him away. Part of me told that other part, "well, I don't know what he likes, but I like art. I'll take him to a museum."

This dream seems very hopeful, and yet I'm afraid. That little boy and me have a lot to face, and much to learn.

On August 9, I have an art show opening in Berlin. Little Jeffy Tuckerbelly, that little boy, me - has a show in Berlin. We are all squealing with pride. If my parents weren't dead, I'd point and say, "Look what I did with what you gave me. Look at who I am now, mom and dad."

For the show I've made four large paintings, with images of two characters who were like stuffed animals for me when I was a kid, they were the place I dissociated into when my dad abused me.(My real stuffed animals got destroyed my a brother and my mother - why, I never knew.) These paintings of Polley and Droolus are on differently textured muslins, the paint contains dirt from this place in the country, and the paintings will be sheets for a bed I am making. I will invite people to lay down in the sheets on the bed and dream.

While CSA isn't specifically called out, I think it will be impossible fir people to miss. As will the essential hope I feel that has made me survive.

I dont know what I'm doing, you guys, i can only follow my intuition. This feels right, if scary.

Thanks for reading this. Thanks for letting me be vulnerable, and for being vulnerable yourselves. It helps.

GT
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#441095 - 07/16/13 09:00 PM Re: A nightmare, a dream, and a bed for both [Re: GT13568]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
GT - thank you for sharing this wonderful post.

If I may add my two cents:

I think what you're doing with art is wonderful, and absolutely inspiring. To take something as painful as CSA, and to be able to communicate it through art - that is something to be really proud of. I think one of the many functions of art is to serve as a medium for expressing emotions, feelings or experiences that words fail to adequately capture. In this sense, you are sharing an incredible gift with the world.

Originally Posted By: GT13568
The little boy in the dream (who looked like little me) was abused and neglected. But he was sweet. He believed in something. He reached out to me and I loved him. I woke just as I was telling someone that i would visit the boy, I would help him, I would take him away. Part of me told that other part, "well, I don't know what he likes, but I like art. I'll take him to a museum."


That really did put a lump in my throat. I sometimes hate using psychology jargon, but getting in touch with your inner child (that phrase we've all heard thousands and thousands of times) seems to be exactly what you are doing. I think it's great you are taking him to a museum, and that you are getting to know him.

I also happen to be not too far from Berlin - it really is on the top of my mind to pay your show a humble visit.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#441159 - 07/17/13 10:46 AM Re: A nightmare, a dream, and a bed for both [Re: GT13568]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
Dear Husky,

Thank you for this response. I'm touched by your kind words a by your observations. I'm excited and honored by your interest in my show! I'll pm you with details. Meeting you would be quite a thrill, Husky.

Best,

GT
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#441160 - 07/17/13 11:05 AM Re: A nightmare, a dream, and a bed for both [Re: GT13568]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi GT,

First, congratulations on landing your art show in Berlin! What a wonderful accomplishment! Being able to express yourself through your paintings and to do it at such a skilled level is a great gift of your own and to others.

Dreaming is the brilliant way our mind helps us solve things and to resolve conflict. Yours reminded me of a dream I once had where I was being threatened by what I thought was a violent intruder trying to get into my home and at me. When I looked into his dark and hooded face I saw that it was me and that he wasn't there to threaten me, but was terrified himself and seeking shelter.

I let him in and my healing journey really turned a corner. As Husky said, your dream is very moving. And as he also said you're getting in touch with your inner child. Getting to know him and to help and love him, is going to bring greater healing to you as that wounded child and as your adult self. He will always be your ally and you his from here on out, this new relationship is going to take you both farther than you have ever gone before!

Hey, congratulations again on the upcoming show and congratulations too on finding and welcoming a great new healing partner!

All the best,

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#441162 - 07/17/13 12:05 PM Re: A nightmare, a dream, and a bed for both [Re: GT13568]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
Thank you, Gary.
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#441176 - 07/17/13 03:44 PM Re: A nightmare, a dream, and a bed for both [Re: GT13568]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

You are very welcome, GT, I am so happy for you!
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#441184 - 07/17/13 04:27 PM ! [Re: GT13568]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 08:59 PM)

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#441669 - 07/21/13 11:36 PM Re: A nightmare, a dream, and a bed for both [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Hi, GT,
I'll concentrate on the dream & a bed/life for two.

Congradulations in finding that inner child & loving & nurturing him.
It's a emotional roller coaster of emotions & feelings when we listen to him. But, i'm,sure glad that we met after 69 1/2 years, because i would never have known him as He is Me.
He had saved my/our life a few years back when i had thought that this journey to recovery was too tough. And had thoughts about taking that final step, final solution.

But, if anyone has read my story, you will see that this boy's survival strategy he had put himself into the Army Air Forces, U.S. Air Force starting around his 5th year. Trying to survive terrible things going on to him that he neither could comprehend, understand nor had any control over.
That boy's heart, mind, body & soul emotionally & mentally made that his survival dream. As one can see he lived that dream in real life for 23 years and he is still a part of it. I was born in 1939, so i lived during the war years & i was AAF crazy, i had pictures of just about every airplane in it. I had a few pictures of the B-17 Bomber. I had a landing light from a B-17 Bomber. I had uniform parts, insignia, etc.
That was my dream world, my fantasy world, above that was my survival world.

A few years back there was an air show in Denton, Texas. And there the Collings Foundation was displaying a B-17, B-24 & B-25 bombers from WWII. I went and toured those aircraft of my boyhood dreams. I in my fantasy world was a crew member on them. If you had $500.00 spare you could take a flight on one, but at that time it was out of the question, but i made a vow to young Pete, that some day we will actually be part of a crew, we are going to live the dream of our survival. I owe you at least that much for getting us this far in life.

On the 25th of March, this year, just past our 74th birthday together. At the Denton, Texas airport a young boy & his bigger part an retired Air Force Technicial Sergeant climed aboard a B-17 only this time in real life. It was the emotional & mental ride of our life. A survival story his will to live to at a later time in his life come out from the depths of darkness to try and become the boy/man that he is.

I'm glad that you & Little Jeff are about to celebrate your dream. To celebrate a life of a once lost boy as one.

Berlin, Germany, as an artist, with four large paintings, representing in a way a young boy's survival from CSA.
I was stationed in Germany for 11 1/2 years back in the 50's, 60's & 70's. Then i married a German lady & when i retired from the USAF lived & worked there for 29 years. Until a young boy named Pete had finally came home to his bigger self in 2009
and changed the rest of his life forever.

These posts about us boys (then) now men that had learned survival skills because of things happening to them & around them, that they neither could comprehend, understand or have any control over. A triumph of the human spirit, a triumph for us. These stories have cost us all a great deal in our lives, emotionally, mentally & physically...and oh yes monitarily too.

I'm know that we all had nightmares, flashbacks & a survival dream.

My fraternal brother, GT, thanks for sharing in your story of survival. I have shared a part of mine. Perhaps GT wouldn't mind if this becomes a survival dream post. The triumph of a young boy, a triumph of the human spirit.
Hopefully when you return from Berlin, GT you will share those paintings with us. I would be looking forward to seeing them.

If anyone is interested i have pictures of a boys dream come true. It's in the images, art & poetry forum. Titled A Boy's Survival Story, by petercorbett.

It's my wish that those of my brothers here in MS that haven't as of yet made their connection to their inner child, please don't give up in finding him. He might not be ready for you yet.
I wish all of my fraternal brothers here well in healing & life.

A long post & i hope that i haven't taken anything away from GT's post, by adding some of my boys dream.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#441714 - 07/22/13 08:01 AM Re: A nightmare, a dream, and a bed for both [Re: GT13568]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:41 PM)

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