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#441152 - 07/17/13 09:21 AM For the Wives/Husbands/Partners
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Today is my wedding anniversary. My wife did not know about the CSA until our 12th year of marriage. I could not even allow myself to admit it.

But there will come a time when you man will realize the impact on your relationship. Will realize those coping mechanisms that made him survive can make him a lousy partner. And while I have been carrying so much guilt of others on these shoulders, how I have treated my wife is all mine. I have pushed her away time and time again. Out of self hate. It's when the boy who lacked parental love and then had that hole in his heart replaced with abuse realizes she is not going away - that I found love. My wife has define love and what family should be. She has put up with my crap, and we are talking about things like we never have before. Now that I can be honest with myself. I want nothing less than to be the man that she deserves - that is why I want recovery.

You are that for someone else, and while it is sure to be painful, there will be a time when it all becomes clearer, when the love you give sinks in. Keep fighting for that little boy who's wound you have had to share. Both of you are worth it.
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#441173 - 07/17/13 01:47 PM Re: For the Wives/Husbands/Partners [Re: mattheal]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
happy anniversary, Matt.

good post! very true.

i can tell you than it can get better. we recently celebrated 40 years. the last 2 have been the best!

keep at it - and may the next year be better than ever for you both!!!

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#441194 - 07/17/13 06:18 PM Re: For the Wives/Husbands/Partners [Re: mattheal]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Matt - this is a really inspiring post, thank you for sharing. What you say about coping mechanisms that helped you survive, but are destructive now - I think it really nails what a lot of us struggle with. I'm really happy things have turned around for the better in your marriage - happy anniversary to you both.
_________________________
Husky

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#441220 - 07/17/13 11:14 PM Re: For the Wives/Husbands/Partners [Re: mattheal]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
I took the day off work and spent it with my wife and son. We went out for lunch, hung out, walked across a bridge from one state to another. Then we went and watched my son practice his sport.

In many ways it was like a typical weekend day. But my wife and I had amazing and deep conversation. Had a weird thing happen - I was triggered at one point late in the day. I did not even realize it. Wife and I discussed it, and she said she knew that I had "raised my quills". I had not even seen it, and not sure what set it off. She was so worried of hurting my feelings by bringing it up. I told her the truth - I did not even recognize it and love her for speaking up about it. We are communicating on a level that I thought was behind us. Instead, it's all in front of us. 14 years and I feel like I have found that spark again.

The last thing we talked about before she fell asleep was the WOR I had just registered for.

I will recover. I will be the Husband and Father my family deserves - out of my head, vulnerable, authentic, and present. Locked in a cell for 25 years, but I never knew that I had they key all along. I know that now - better yet, I understand that now!


Edited by mattheal (07/17/13 11:16 PM)
Edit Reason: Typing on a phone
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

Top


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