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#440789 - 07/13/13 03:32 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: BraveFalcon]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
BraveFalcon,

I know you have a very difficult time feeling it, most of us do, but you're cared about by a lot of guys here. Greg and Jeff express beautifully how much you mean to them and I don't know you really at all and I find your honesty and insight very compelling.

I think we could all rationalize with you how much we like you, care about what happens to you, wish you'd take better care of yourself and all, but it's hard for you to hear it, feel it, or both. Ken said that, like him, you don't listen, but I think it's more like you and he really can't listen, can't hear. It's like that for a lot of us, seems maybe it comes from the disconnection we learned while being abused; it's our minds and hearts; our thoughts and feelings being out of sync with each other and with the here and now, with the past and with the present.

It's a survival skill that served us well during our abuse, but one that's no longer needed and gets in the way of us living today. You said that seventeen years of living in reality, sober was enough for you and that kind of reality, your early life, certainly would be enough for anyone! I'm sorry you had to go through such a bad time, it's especially unfair that a kid has to know the pain and hardship you did, it should never be, should have never been that way for you. Should not have been that way for Jeff or Greg either or anyone here.

What do we do with all of that today, though?; do we just let it consume us and finish us off for good? I don't want my abusers to win, they got enough of me already and they sure aren't going to get anymore, especially not my actual life. Sometimes I barely feel alive, but I am and I bounce back from the darker times and try to do better, try to continue healing.

You already know that some of us think you should try something different, something better for you. Can't tell you it will be easy, or that it will always work, but there's got to be something better than what you're doing now and certainly better than your past. You are worth it, you are important to us and maybe one day you'll know that and even feel it for yourself.

Just saying, Ken, and hoping for better times for you.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#440803 - 07/13/13 06:47 PM . [Re: BraveFalcon]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#441090 - 07/16/13 07:44 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. (Update) [Re: JoeSmith]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi Guys. First of all, thank you for all of the super nice comments and support. I'm sorry that I've made other people worry about me but I appreciate that anyone would say they do. It just means they care and I understand that. I get why some of the things I've said would make people worry but I'm going to be alright. When it comes to the amount I drink, I've been doing it for a long time and am definitely what you would call a seasoned professional. Yeah, it's not all that healthy but I know how to keep myself out of trouble when I'm drunk and never get behind the wheel when I've been drinking. I know drinking until you black-out isn't responsible, but I am as responsible about it as one could realistically be.

Now for the little update.

I spent Saturday night through Monday morning at my parents house and told them about my brother moving out on me. The good news is, I didn't even have to ask if I could move back in with them, because my dad told me I was welcome to before I could even get it out of my mouth. That was a relief, because I wasn't looking forward to asking. So, at least that's out of the way, which takes a little bit of the pressure off. Now I just have to figure out what my other options may be. I'll keep you guys updated. Thanks again. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#441112 - 07/16/13 11:22 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. (Update) [Re: BraveFalcon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1184
Loc: New York
Hey Ken,

At least you have a place to hang your hat. I know that you were worried about asking, I saw that it bothered you very much.

Are you looking for options so that you don't have to go to your parents? At least from the answer your parents told you it would seem that you were welcome anytime which is very nice of them. I know it's a bit awkward but at least it's a big option.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#441114 - 07/16/13 11:44 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. (Update) [Re: lapchinj]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: lapchinj

Are you looking for options so that you don't have to go to your parents?


Hi Jeff. Yeah, I've got a few other possible options floating around out there but I haven't really begun to explore any of them yet. I'll be doing that in the next few months. At least I have some time to figure things out. We'll see what happens. Thanks. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#441121 - 07/17/13 02:03 AM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. (Update) [Re: BraveFalcon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1184
Loc: New York
Hey Ken,

At least you have an ace up your sleeve to play if needed. It's just really nice of your parents, I suppose you get along with them OK.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#441204 - 07/17/13 09:23 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: BraveFalcon]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Ken, sorry to hear about your problems with your living situation. Our homes are our sanctuary. Reading through your posts on this and recalling the one where you posted your pictures of your apartment made me realize how much this sucks. Facing the prospect of living with someone who doesn't know you plus the loss of the emotional support of the cats and I get it. I am sorry friend. Hard stuff.
You have come to my aid several times, wish there was something I could do. You say you have a couple of months. That's good, time increases the options for a beneficial outcome. You have some "possible options floating around". When things like this happen, we can feel powerless, but one of the best ways to lessen this feeling is to work on solutions. Even if they don't pan out they will likely lead to more possibilities. It helps us feel at least a bit more in control every time we do it. Finding a good sanctuary for Ken is important work. You deserve it.

The only thing I can relate to your situation was the feelings I have had in the past in some dead end civil service jobs, working for people I didn't respect and in places I hated living in. But I remember every time I looked for another job or dumped an application in the mail or networked, I felt like I got just a bit more control over my life. The only way for you to get some sense of control out of this bad situation is to start chasing down those options.

Moving in with your parents might turn out to be the best option for you, but if you don't get out there and try some of these leads you won't be able to really know that. I understand and feel for you. Wish you well on this. Dave

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#441209 - 07/17/13 09:42 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: Dave PNW]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi Dave. Thanks man. Yeah, having six months definitely gives me a leg up on things. I have a few ideas as far options to consider but I probably won't post about them unless and until I actually explore them. We'll see where it goes. The worst part of all this is that I'm going to miss the cats and that I really like my place the way I have it set up now. Whether I move in with my parents or someone else, a lot of that shit is obviously going to have to go into boxes and maybe a storage space for god knows how long. That is unless I can find an acceptable and reliable roommate to move in here and take my brother's place but I just don't have anyone on the radar at the moment. Thanks again. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#454500 - 11/19/13 09:10 PM And It Just Keeps Getting Better. New Update [Re: BraveFalcon]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi guys. Been a long time since I posted about this and I suppose I owe everyone an update. I almost took this to Off Topic because it's not really directly CSA related. However, a lot of the issues this dilemma raises are more or less CSA related, so I decided to bump this old thread instead of starting a new one in a different forum.

I know when I started this thread I said that there was no way in hell I'd ever even consider taking on a roommate I didn't know but, as the hour of truth draws near, I am beginning to soften my stance on that. My brother and I put in our 60 day notice to vacate the apartment about two weeks ago and the landlady said I had until the week of Christmas to sign a new lease and stay. After that, the apartment will be put back up on the market and I will have to move.

Recently I've been using Facebook to try and put out the word that I'm looking for someone to be my roommate and it hasn't yielded any results. I figure through FB I may be able to find someone I at least somewhat know but it hasn't worked. That has me starting to look towards, dare I say it...... fucking Craig's List. Ugh. frown

The idea of moving in with someone I don't know well really scares me and the idea of moving in with someone I don't know at all scares me even more. Firstly, it scares me for all the reasons it would scare normal people. It could be a total disaster. I could wind up hating them and we could wind up making each other's lives a living hell. Secondly, it scares me for the reasons it scares fucked-up little old me. Only a few people in the world know all about me, know what my issues are, and know just how fucked-up I am. Letting some random person into my life and letting them that close to me and to all my secrets seems unthinkable, but here I am, on the verge of doing just that. My God. eek

At this point there are really only three options on the table. To say I'm between a rock and a hard place here would be understating things by a lot.

Option 1: Find some random schmo to be my roommate and stay here.

The negatives are that I have to dive headlong into the murky and frightening waters of living with a stranger and take on all the potential risk that entails. Also, I will still have a bitch of a commute to work that makes me miserable. Not to mention that I won't be saving any money and will continue to struggle financially.

The positives are that I don't have to go through the extreme hassle and expense of moving. Also, I don't and won't have to worry about storing or selling any of my stuff.

Option 2: Move in with my parents for an indefinite period of time.

The negatives are that I will be 38 years old and living with my parents. I will feel like I've taken a huge step backwards in life. I will naturally have to give up a ton of privacy and independence. My commute will be even worse than it is now. I will have to store or sell most of my stuff. I'll probably opt for selling most of it because nothing I have is that valuable anyway. The only things I have that are really valuable are my 42" LCD television and my gaming systems. Those I would keep. Everything else I own, (furniture etc), I could easily replace with equivalent items at a Goodwill or Salvation Army store for a couple of hundred dollars, which is what it would cost me to store all of those same items for just a couple of months. So, sell it will probably be.

The (one) positive is that I could save a shit load of money. I could pay off my car within a year and also save up more than enough money to replace all my belongings with equivalent belongings. Granted, that is a pretty damn big positive but I'm really not sure it's even worth it considering what I'd have to give up in the time being.

(As an aside, if option 1 or 2 wind up being what happens, I will probably start looking for another job to remedy the commute problem, but I don't want to look for another job until I know for sure where I'm going to be living. Also, if I wind up living with my parents, I really don't want to get a job near where they live, establish myself out there again and risk getting stuck there. They still live in the suburb I grew up in and I fucking hate it out there. I swore I'd never move back to that damn town. I suppose I'll have to work on crossing that bridge when I get to it though.)

Option 3: Find someone renting a room I can afford near the job-sites I work at now.

The negatives are all the same as the negatives of option 1, minus the commute. Also some of the negatives of option 2. I would probably have to sell most of my stuff as I would only be renting a room and I have a full apartment's worth of stuff. I would still have to go through the hassle and expense of moving, and I wouldn't save any money.

The positive.... no commute and I wouldn't have to look for another job. Probably not going to go with this option unless I somehow found an affordable situation that was somehow just perfect. Not likely. Especially considering that the area I'd need to move to, (Sandy Springs, GA) is a more expensive area than the one I live in now.

Whatever happens, I'm trying to keep in mind that it won't be the end of the world. I'm trying my best not to catastrophize the whole thing, which is normally my default mode of thinking. Inevitably I have some challenges that lay ahead of me and probably some major headaches, but I'm going to be ok. Whatever happens, I'm going to get through it somehow and I'm going to survive, just like I always have. Peace,

Ken

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#454594 - 11/20/13 10:40 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. New Update [Re: BraveFalcon]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 706
Loc: Southeast USA
Ken,

I know you'll find a solution…and if I hear of anything apartment or job-related I'll pass it along to you in a PM.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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