I wanted to get this off my back...its been there for so long, it just feel great to get it out there. I just submitted my story, which is literally the first time I’ve told it, to anyone. I apologize if this seems scatterbrained, but I was typing it as it all came to my mind.
I have never really been able to walk up to a guy or girl(in a non-sexual way) and start a conversation with them...just general chit chat its been hard. Even children, just to say hello to them...my own nieces and nephews I find it very difficult. I like to keep to myself, and not let anyone in. I constantly feel like I am being judged, so they can't judge me if I don't say anything at all....then it would get to the point where I thought “they are judging me because I don't say anything”...it was a endless circle I was in.
Since being abused by both a brother and sister early on, I’m sure this is the cause my confusion. But more so longing for the acceptance of my brother...I have always leaned more so to male attention. I've been so very confused my whole life. Growing up, starting at a early age (and the start of the internet at that time) I can remember browsing around newsgroups, looking at pictures of guys and girls. I always focused on the men...specifically oral sex. I never felt comfortable around males or females that I didn't know. I am very quiet.
Growing up, around my 16th birthday, it really started to go bad for me. I was watching porn daily, all types...masturbating several times a day. There wasn't a day that went by were I didn't watch some sort of porn. It progressed online to dating sites, looking for men...being very ashamed of this, I wanted it to be very discreet, no-one to find out. I had my first male-male encounter. I was so nervous, we met under a city bridge at night...I wasn't very aroused at all...I didn't understand why as watching porn in that sense would turn me on. I thought its what I wanted....I forced myself to perform oral sex on another man...it felt sort of comfortable/familiar at the start, but I soon came to hate doing it...but I kept going, not sure why I didn't just stop...and then at the end, the taste in the mouth...I was repulsed...I hated the taste...it also brought back bad memories...but my what-I-thought sexual need was satisfied. I never came....I left.
After that, I would have a couple of hookups with girls...I was drunk at the time, so I can't really even express my feelings on how that was. I felt pretty lame that the only way I could get aroused with a girl was to be drunk – WTF was wrong with me. I could look at girls and I seen some attractive ones that I thought were hot...but I never had the balls to talk to them, or any girls at all. It felt uncomfortable...the times I had my hookups, the feeling and the smells turned me on like hell...but the emotional connection I just couldn't let myself have one. I felt as if I wasn't worthy to talk to them? I had this thing about penis's....how could I then find girls attractive? Talk to them, chat them up? I just didn't...i kept myself suppressed....i mean I thought I was gay right?
Years go by of the same crap, over and over...porn, masturbation every day, keep to myself. I would meet girls through college, and since I couldn't talk with them, nothing ever developed. The only women I would be “normal” with here girls who already had boyfriends...as I knew in my mind I would never need to explain myself to them, and I didn't feel threatened by them...”they already have boyfriends so they won't try to get close to me”...
I had 2 more hookups with guys...both times, not able to get an erection, tried anal sex as well...bottoming and topping...either one I was not enjoying at all...it didn't feel right to me...sex is suppose to be enjoyable...the other guy was enjoying it, why wasn't I??
It was embarrassing both times...instead I performed oral sex on the other men...really I wasn't sure why, I hated doing it...i grossed me out, but yet I had this need to do it. The last “encounter” I had with a man(and last sexual moment with ANYONE) was 5 years ago...I’ve not had any encounters since. The last 5 years I have spent on hookup sites, looking for sex with women and men. My focus seemed to be with men however...they were interested in me...talked to me...95% of the time I had no desire at all to meet up with them...but the ability to talk with them, chat them up,and then tell them no...it seemed liberating to me...i didn't know why but it did. Looking at these guys, and most with pictures of their penis's turned me on...but then like a switch, I could think about performing oral sex on those penis's, it would turn me off just like that. This has been my life for the past 5 years...up until a few weeks ago when I found this site. Every day for the past 5 years(excluding vacations or events where I’m not home) I’ve been on hookup sites, talking to men and watching porn. I was coming to terms that I must be gay, and I was very very depressed. I was made me even more depressed was why I was doing it, and why I couldn't get aroused when I was actually with a man? It didn't make sense...
None the less, I started to come up with the ways I was going to tell my parents I was gay, not that they wouldn't support me, but my fear of the rest of my family and their disapproval. My dad's site of the family is very “hick-ish”, and my mom's side is hard-core british...who's blood line is also not very gay friendly. I started to look for a new job, as I didn't want people at my work to find out and figured it would be easier to start a new job with everyone knowing I was gay to start with, rather than people acting different to me afterward at my current job. I was figuring out a plan...because I couldn't keep it bottled up any more. I was so angry at myself...here I was, about to announce to the world I was gay, but yet hated gay sex, nor could I ever visualize having a emotional/intimate relationship with a man – it was suppose to be a freeing experience...but it didn't seem right at all to me...I didn't “feel” gay...if that makes any sense.
So while I was looking around online, and in the midst of coming with terms that I must be gay...I came across an article about child sexual abuse and SSA. Here I am...as I read peoples stories, some of the explanations going on, I can't explain it, but I felt as if a elephant just got up off my chest. I had never heard about SSA before...I just figured there was straight, gay and bi. Understanding that its possible to have SSA, and some explanations why I would be focusing on penis's/oral sex. Its not a sexual attraction, but rather me reliving the abuse, longing for acceptance. Realizing this has really helped me out. The fact there were other guys that also have these urges or desires, but knowing why they were there... its like some beams of sunlight shining through the tornado clouds which has been my true self for the first time. For the first time in years, I am able to control my urges to porn, I’ve closed my accounts on the hookup sites. I’m starting to feel worth something, worth to have a woman in my life. I only wish I had found this site sooner. I am even more open to talking with people...I WANT to talk with people...this clarity is almost intoxicating. Im starting to see girls in a different light now, I can't explain it, its almost like I am allowing myself to see them this way...its a completely new experience for me...im taking it slowing...
I am no way saying that “I'm healed!”or that I'm fixed...I don't think that will ever happen...but I have some understanding now at least...which is worth more than words. I plan to visit this site often, and maybe even try out the group chat as well...i feel the more I acknowledge this, and talk about it, the better I feel.
Thanks for letting me ramble...
The latest song stuck on repeat....
Evans Blue - Warrior
I am a warrior, not the victim of your pain
I speak for the curious, infected by your ways
And we stand
I stand before your at the front of my
own grave and speak true,
I'm not a warrior for you...