i feel so bad for you over what happened to you as a boy. i too was 5 when it started - but it was a step-dad - not a real father. i would think that what you endured would even be worse. the shame you feel is natural - but it is a result of what was done to you - not your choice or fault.
i am glad you have found us and decided to speak out. i hope you will find comfort, support and encouragement here among others who have had similar experiences and can relate to what you feel.
There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all. - Hamlet, Act 5, sc 2