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#440698 - 07/12/13 01:35 AM my story of abuse
chrism4120 Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 1
Loc: san francisco cali
I was molested by my father from the age of 5 to 11 . My father took me on a hunting trip . But this time we did not hunting we were in a cabin and we were laying on the single bed in the cabin . He started takeing his pants off and then his underwear and he started touching himself . I remember laying there wondering what he was doing . Then he looked over at me and asked me if I would touch him . I was 5 at the time and looked up to my father and trusted him as I suppose most kids would .So I started touching him I did this for awhile as he laid there and then he asked me to take my pants of so I did and then he started touching me down there and then out of know where he preformed oral on me and I remember it feeling good I was not scared anymore it was fun then when he was done with me he asked me to do the same to him and I did .

I do not know how long that went on for hard to remember measurement of time that young but after sometime of me and my father doing this all the time we were siting in his bedroom watching cartoons my father got up and put a video in the vcr it was a video of 2 men having sex he asked my if what we were doing was fun I said yes because it felt good and I did not know any better he said he found this video that showed what we did and more fun stuff for us to do we watched it and then he told me to lay on my back and take my clothes off and then he started to insert himself into me it hurt and I yelled oww please stop . I will never forget the look on his face it went from being a fun loveing playful dad as disgusting as it was to . To a cold look and told me to shut up and when I did not he put a rag in my mouth and had intercourse with me I will never forget being so scared and confused and I still feel the pain and feel shame from that event and many more to come


This went on for along time and he started to hit me and yell at me and it progressed to beatings being kicked several times a day being raped and then it progressed to he would have intercourse while I was on my hands and kness and he would use my back as a ash try I remember the pain from being raped and the fear of the burn not know when it would come further on it progressed to wakeing me up with electrical cord shocking me one


These events have turned me into a masochist . I enjoy pain I embrace that and take personal pleasure from being that way .

but there is also a lot of shame I feel from being attracted to mens sexual organs and the shame of feeling pleasure from what my father did to me a shamed that I do not know if it can ever be erased from my mind and my heart

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#440710 - 07/12/13 09:06 AM Re: my story of abuse [Re: chrism4120]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
chrism -

i feel so bad for you over what happened to you as a boy. i too was 5 when it started - but it was a step-dad - not a real father. i would think that what you endured would even be worse. the shame you feel is natural - but it is a result of what was done to you - not your choice or fault.

i am glad you have found us and decided to speak out. i hope you will find comfort, support and encouragement here among others who have had similar experiences and can relate to what you feel.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#440724 - 07/12/13 01:22 PM Re: my story of abuse [Re: chrism4120]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:32 PM)

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#440983 - 07/15/13 10:26 PM Re: my story of abuse [Re: chrism4120]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Welcome to the site, hoping that you find some solace here. The shame is common to us all, it is not ours but we are left with it. My father was not so actively sadistic but I can relate to what you wrote and have masochistic tendencies. A childs survival depends on forming attachments and when the bond with someone so close and powerful is abusive we had no choice but to bond with the abuse. It is natural that a boy so young would attach to sadism with masochism. It is not our shame but each of us has to find that out for ourselves.
Take care
Peter

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