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#440926 - 07/15/13 04:32 AM question about definition of abuse
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Somewhere it says that an abuser should have a position of more power than the victim. To a six year old, isnt an eight old in a position of greater power? I wasnt characterizing myself as a victim until this moment this question just came to me.

Thanks.

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#440928 - 07/15/13 07:53 AM Re: question about definition of abuse [Re: GoldStone]
traveler Offline
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Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
if the 6-yr-old FEELS intimidated or influenced or controlled by the 8-yr-old - then, YES - the 8-yr-old had more power. a compliant or fearful or passive child is going to be less powerful than nearly anyone. a child the same age - who has a dominant or forceful personality - can have more power - even if physically equal to or smaller than the other. it is all a matter of comparisons in the dynamics of the relationship.

so - Gold, were you the 6-yr-old? at that age, 2 years seems like a big difference.

lee


Edited by traveler (07/15/13 09:28 AM)
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#440929 - 07/15/13 08:26 AM Re: question about definition of abuse [Re: GoldStone]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:33 PM)

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#440932 - 07/15/13 10:40 AM Re: question about definition of abuse [Re: GoldStone]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
.


Edited by mattheal (07/16/13 12:04 AM)
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With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
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#440935 - 07/15/13 11:08 AM Re: question about definition of abuse [Re: GoldStone]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Anything that caused physical or emotional harm at the time, or emotional challenges afterwards, is abuse. Age doesn't factor into it.

I was initiated into extremely inappropriate and exploitative sexualized behavior by a boy only a few months older than me. It was the price for his protection from bullies. He engaged in similar behaviors with many, many other boys. Eventually some of us would behave that way together even when he wasn't there. And I would guide other male friendships during those years towards similar behaviors - albeit far more benevolent, more focused on building up than tearing down.

Ended up that nearly all of my friendships were sexualized. We were all straight-identified. I have no regrets nor shame whatsoever about the more benign things that went on when the initial ringleader was out of the picture. I enjoyed those and they satisfactorily meet my understanding of experimentation / horseplay. BUT..... I really, really regret the skew that it scratched into my expectations of how to interact with other boys and what friendship was supposed to involve. When I got to college there was a VERY rude awakening, I at times felt like an exchange student visiting a totally foreign culture.
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#441104 - 07/16/13 10:09 PM Re: question about definition of abuse [Re: SoccerStar]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar


Ended up that nearly all of my friendships were sexualized. We were all straight-identified. I have no regrets nor shame whatsoever about the more benign things that went on when the initial ringleader was out of the picture. I enjoyed those and they satisfactorily meet my understanding of experimentation / horseplay.


This is why I asked the question. I feel like those who experienced more aggressive or forced abuse may have difficulty appreciating that "friendly" early sexualization is also damaging and disorienting. I initiated my same age cousin into sexual activity at about age 8. He was 'game' for it, but today I feel great remorse about it. He is still unmarried and can't keep a relationship down.

I feel at times sexual abuse is like a virus that has its own agenda and doesn't care who the carrier is. And the carriers intentions are in effect, irrelevant.

Whether he wished to hurt or help ... the damage is the same.

ON the subject of POWER, I think its safe to say that the person who is SEXUALLY AWARE is always in a position of power over the person who is NOT.

In certain circumstances I find myself STILL wanting to initiate the uninitiated. "first timers" gay porn resonates strongly. The virus is still alive in me...regardless of how I caught it.


Edited by GoldStone (07/16/13 10:10 PM)

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#441105 - 07/16/13 10:13 PM Re: question about definition of abuse [Re: traveler]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: traveler


so - Gold, were you the 6-yr-old? at that age, 2 years seems like a big difference.

lee


Yes I was the 6 year old.

I followed instructions and my hand became the abuser.

I think, more and more, age and social position are almost irrelevant. As I just mentioned, the margin of difference in sexual awareness between the perp and victim are sufficient enough of a power differential to constitute abuse.

It's my theory and I'm running with it. wink maybe start a new thread on this.


Edited by GoldStone (07/16/13 10:14 PM)

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#441107 - 07/16/13 10:32 PM Re: question about definition of abuse [Re: GoldStone]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: GoldStone
I initiated my same age cousin into sexual activity at about age 8. He was 'game' for it, but today I feel great remorse about it. He is still unmarried and can't keep a relationship down.


Don't assume causality if you don't have to. This sort of behavior isn't damaging.... except when it is. Only your cousin knows for sure.
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#441118 - 07/17/13 12:43 AM Re: question about definition of abuse [Re: SoccerStar]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Originally Posted By: GoldStone
I initiated my same age cousin into sexual activity at about age 8. He was 'game' for it, but today I feel great remorse about it. He is still unmarried and can't keep a relationship down.


Don't assume causality if you don't have to. This sort of behavior isn't damaging.... except when it is. Only your cousin knows for sure.


I introduced him in the exact same way i was introduced. At age 8 I think we can all agree unequivocally that it is disruptive of normal psychosexual development.

Or am I missing something?

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#441119 - 07/17/13 12:44 AM Re: question about definition of abuse [Re: GoldStone]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Thanks Goldstone. Good question. The responses really spoke to my situation. Thanks for posting this.


Edited by dw1972+ (07/17/13 10:22 AM)

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