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#440840 - 07/14/13 04:33 AM The worst kind of liar
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
My name is Matt and I am the worst kind of liar Ė I lie to the person I should love the most Ė me. Last year I told a psyche nurse and then my wife that I was sexually abused a child. Big cracks in all I have been holding back. I started therapy. Spent a year there, marking time. Keeping it all back.

I caught myself chewing a piece of gum today. It had lost all of its flavor hours ago, but I was still chewing it. Itís a perfect metaphor for how I have been living my life for a while. Mindlessly chewing and all the flavor has gone. I think I am ready for a new piece.

I have been really trying to examine a lot of my childhood, and have gained some knowledge and understanding. Knowing is the easier one. I know for example that I was sexually abused for almost four years as a child. Understanding is the sucker punch that stops your breath for a minute. For me itís where knowledge because internalized Ė the truth. I understand that I was an easy target for the perp because I was lonely and neglected eight year old boy who wanted someone to show him he was important.

Then there are the beliefs. I donít believe my mom would have sent me to live with my dad if she knew how bad the environment was and that he was a drug addict alcoholic. Sometimes it takes someone else to challenge your beliefs Ė Your mom should have checked out the environment and made sure things were safe and sound before shipping you off to live somewhere. And sometimes the knowledge and belief simply donít fit: I know I was not responsible for the sexual abuse, but I still believe that even though I did not start it I wanted it. I liked it.

So here I am with all the puzzle pieces of my childhood in front of me. And have fit some things together. But some of the pieces are still in the box. In the dark. And these pieces donít fit anywhere.

Iím fucking terrified to put all the pieces on the table. I am hollow at this point and scared that I will find out that so much of what I consider to be me, to be my reality, will end up being nothing more than a boyís response to unspeakable pain.

Iím tired of lying to myself. Iím ready to tell my therapist all. But scared of finding out that I am not who I am. Is that what healing is. Untying knots and adding more? Is that what it takes to be happy? To feel whole? To feel self-worth? To be the authentic me?

What have you uncovered? What did you take from knowing to understanding? What pieces did you have trouble with? What beliefs didnít fit?
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#440850 - 07/14/13 09:49 AM Re: The worst kind of liar [Re: mattheal]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3568
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Matt,
this is my third try to make some reply to this insightful topic.
I'll try to summarize in very short and brief where I'm with my healing and that could resonate with some of your thoughts.
When I read Victims no longer that book opened my eyes and showed me something that is visible here at public boards. It said that survivors are many times perfectionist, very insightful and that is the reason that some of them are expecting only the best from selves. That is the reason for message not to be hard on self that has showing throughout the book. Battling negative self image is our ultimate task.
I found myself in those words. I understand others, I could solve many problems at work, I finished my schooling with easy, but no matter on all successes I couldn't completely control my behavior nor life and sometimes I would see only the worst in my actions.
So my life is cycling from moments of happiness and satisfaction to moments of being very hard on myself, it is like constant internal war of two completely opposite sides.
So lesson to not be hard on myself I'm still learning.
It is difficult not to watch self with some eyes with negative context and to rather find supportive stance.
So please give self hug and couple of warm and assertive words. The person kept inside you is not the worst kind of liar, not at all. He was just lost and left by people much far in past when he was boy. Those people should secure him shelter, love and everything needed for his growth and shouldn't left him feeling isolated and cut from outside.
Tell him not to be scared and give him some comfort. As he was left for so long and had such terrible experience as abuse is, he could be for long time lost in his thoughts, memories, guilt and possible shameful feelings.
Tell him not to be scared, everything will be alright wink


(((Matt)))
_________________________
My story

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#440858 - 07/14/13 11:34 AM Re: The worst kind of liar [Re: mattheal]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1445
Matt

Well said--you truly capture the lost child we leave behind as a result of the CSA. We need to love the child so we can love ourselves. Thank you for sharing.

Kevin

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#440861 - 07/14/13 11:57 AM Re: The worst kind of liar [Re: mattheal]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Quote:
[/So here I am with all the puzzle pieces of my childhood in front of me. And have fit some things together. But some of the pieces are still in the box. In the dark. And these pieces donít fit anywhere.

Iím fucking terrified to put all the pieces on the table. I am hollow at this point and scared that I will find out that so much of what I consider to be me, to be my reality, will end up being nothing more than a boyís response to unspeakable pain. [quote]


Matt- your thoughts are very poignant. We understand how it feels to have some of the pieces come together, and to realize at the same time that other pieces are still in the box. It is a daunting task to find the authentic self. The pieces in the box fit somewhere, be patient just a little while longer. It will come together because you want it to come together.

I remember being terrified myself. For years and years and years. I began therapy and shared a small bit of what happened to me 20 years ago. But only a small amount. Last fall, I determined I could feel the hollowness you mentioned, so I began again. It has taken three therapists, quite a bit of emotional turmoil, but I am feeling different.

I still haven't put everything out there. I have a couple big memories that have me scared to death to even think about for more than a few moments. But I no longer feel the void- at least not as often. It was once a continual, daily thing.

Its normal and its okay to be scared. What you experienced and what you have dealt with all these years has altered who you are. Just take a deep breath, man, and place the big pieces out there as you feel safe to do so. You are not hollow. You are filled with survival skills that let you live. What you will discover is that your new reality is an emerging new you- the authentic you.

I had the same fears, same thoughts, same feelings of what was beneath all this pain. And that new me I am still discovering is a pretty damn cool me and I am beginning to like him very much- especially when I slow down and realize the extent of the obstacles I have overcome. Ouch, it does hurt. Yes, sir, it does. Is it worth it? Yes, it is.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#440865 - 07/14/13 01:50 PM Re: The worst kind of liar [Re: mattheal]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1049
Loc: The ATL
Hi Matt. Great post man. You aren't the worst kind of liar though. In fact, I don't think you are a liar at all, just a survivor. The "lies" you've been telling yourself were mostly survival tactics, that's all. Now that you're moving forward with therapy and a recovery process, you have shown yourself that you don't need those survival tactics anymore and are ready to move forward without them.

Originally Posted By: mattheal

Iím fucking terrified to put all the pieces on the table. I am hollow at this point and scared that I will find out that so much of what I consider to be me, to be my reality, will end up being nothing more than a boyís response to unspeakable pain.


This one paragraph spoke to me more than anything else you've said here. I know for certain that much of who I am is the same as this. The me I am today isn't the me I would have been were it not for the immense sexual and emotional trauma I experienced as a child. I like your jigsaw puzzle analogy as well. The one time I was in therapy, I immediately dumped every piece of my own puzzle on the table, no matter how much it hurt. (I have a tendency to go from 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds with things.) I never put all the pieces back together and wound up giving up on it, so I know how daunting and monumental the task can be. Also, in my case, it was like over time some of those puzzle pieces had become so warped and twisted that there is no way I could ever make them fit back together properly no matter how hard I tried, so I quit trying. I wish you better luck and success than I had in all this. A lot of the things you've said and expressed since you joined here give me hope that you will be successful. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#440869 - 07/14/13 02:52 PM Re: The worst kind of liar [Re: mattheal]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1445
Matt

Putting all the pieces on the table is so difficult-emotionally, physically and for many not knowing all the pieces of abuse, not knowing the child within or our history during dissociation, lost time and sometimes others try to rewrite our history. So putting all together so we can be the person we were meant to be can be difficult. I am trying-therapist, psychiatrist, support groups and now confronting the institution-Catholic Church. But I have good days where things seem to come together and others not so good. I am also trying to surround myself with positive people who support me. I have days of happiness-which are awesome and had eluded me since the past and negative surroundings resurrected the past memories some 7 plus years ago. I want to love myself which I believe is key to reclaiming part of the us we lost from the abuse and trauma. I now know I put myself down and allowed others to belittle and attack me, which only took more of myself worth away. But I nolonger allow them to control me and I believe I am loving myself and hopefully one dday I can put back together who I was meant to be.

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#440870 - 07/14/13 03:42 PM Re: The worst kind of liar [Re: mattheal]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2974
Loc: O Kanada
sounds like you are making a breakthrough on your emotional battlefield. you are getting ready for real change.
spit out the gum! get some spiritual nutrition.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#440873 - 07/14/13 03:56 PM Re: The worst kind of liar [Re: mattheal]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 207
Loc: California
Hey Matt,

I can identify a lot with what you have put in your post. In fact, I am struggling with a very similar process. Taking all of that stuff out of the box. Putting it all out there, looking at it so closely.

I share your fears. I sometimes lie in bed before sleep and think, is this all I am? Am I the sum of all of the awful things that have happened to me?

But, the answer is no. I am not. You are not. I think sometimes when I look at these things from my past, I look at them in two ways. One, as an adult that is remembering or feeling the things that happened to the child that we were. While it comes in pretty intense flashbacks with a variety of emotions, it can feel a bit distant from me. Somewhat apart from me as I am as an adult. But, I feel the effects it has on me in the moment. The effects it has had on my whole life. How that has played out in my life.

Two, when I really get into the specific instances, the actual experiences and sensations, it is a little like Jack and the Beanstalk in the land of the Giants. Everything seems larger than life. The perps were so much bigger. The surroundings, the sensations, the sounds, the emotions are all so huge and so overwhelming. We were little people at the mercy of these huge and monstrous people. Much bigger than us, physically. mentally, and emotionally. They used that against us. They used that to their advantage. So, it can feel very overwhelming when we do pull all of that stuff from the box, because suddenly we feel we are there. Right where it is happening, and suddenly we are reacting like we were that little kid again. And thing even in our adult lives look huge, scary and with those same monstrous proportions.

I think this combination, the distance of the adult looking in, and the extreme closeness and largeness of what the actual inner child feels both happening simultaneously can make this process very disorienting. It can create a sense of panic or confusion. It can create that sense of being absolutely terrified.

But, as I have thought about this, I think that the biggest lie that I have ever told myself was that the inner child who suffered the abuse was weak. He was vulnerable to the perps, yes. But, not weak. When I start to uncover this stuff, I get a sense of what the small kid that was abused was up against. The magnitude of the abuse that I survived. I mean, it was so horrible to my younger self, that I blocked it all out. Complete swatches of my mind completely hidden, just so I could keep going. So, I know this stuff has to be bad or I would not have had to do that.

But, to me, therein lies the key. I was strong enough as a kid to do that. I was strong enough as a kid to be able to suffer through the immense amount of pain, shame, and confusion. And then to put it away and keep on living. I was strong enough to get through all the perp dished out. And still have managed to build a life for myself. It may not be perfect, it may be full of the debris from the CSA, but I am still here to be on this site and process my struggle with other survivors. All because of what I was able to do even at my lowest and most vulnerable times in my life.

And just as the kid in me was able to draw on resources to survive, I realize that me as the adult has the same core of strength somewhere inside to handle this stuff. Or it wouldn't be coming up. My inner child would not be sending me messages in the form of flashbacks and memories, effectively saying, "it is time for us to deal with this." I wouldn't be pulling things out of the box to look at and examine and hopefully resolve them enough to move to newer places of strength in my life.

So, I am starting to think that while the "puzzle pieces" as you say, may be drenched with a lot of emotions and fears that the child experienced, the complete picture, although not a pretty picture at all, will reveal strengths I never knew I had. So some of the picture that emerges may be demons and monsters and fire, but the other part of it may reveal me, or my inner child holding a sword up in defense.

Not sure if that helps, but that is my thinking around this for what it is worth.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#440884 - 07/14/13 05:39 PM ! [Re: mattheal]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 08:57 PM)

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#440914 - 07/15/13 02:24 AM Re: The worst kind of liar [Re: mattheal]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
I cannot even tell you how grateful I am for this community and its members. In reading what all of you have wrote I have cried, been comforted, and hopeful. I am also amazed.

I am heading to bed with two thoughts in my head. One day I know Gary will see himself in the way we see him. And a crowd of us - boys - holding our swords high.
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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