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#440363 - 07/08/13 10:51 AM A Lone Ranger
Tide Offline


Registered: 07/07/13
Posts: 4
Hello out there,
Where does one start with an introduction, there's the stuff that I have trained my self to say when people ask about me. But a lot of it is a mask I had to put up to survive daily life.

My Earilyest childhood memory was. Being abused. And the shortly after that my abuser attacking me.. as a small child I waned to die..several times I attempted to kill my self because I could deal with being. Continiously sexually abused by several people unbeknowst to my parents.

From a very young age I knew I was attracted to men, and with the abuse happining it freaked me out cause I was being turned on.
It was still very wrong what happened. I had no where to turn so I turned to drugs and prostution... I figured if I was gonna do it any way I figured I might as well get paid.. I had self esteem. And so I kept. Spinning out of control untill one faithful evening I was at a friends house balling my eyes out saying I needed help but didn't know what that would look like.

It has been a bit of a journey cause I had to keep reaching out for help to start to overcome my addiction issues..and the wall that I have constructed around me for so long was now not working for me..I have been letting people into my life slowly.. but I allways seemto have it at the back of my mind when are they gonna hurt me.. so here I type. Feeling broken. And as people have said numb. One day it has to get better then this..it just has to ..its my only hope. Tide

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#440382 - 07/08/13 02:12 PM Re: A Lone Ranger [Re: Tide]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3199
Loc: back in the USA
hello back at ya, Tide!

yep, most of us know what you are saying about masks and cover stories and keeping secrets from parents and memories and attempting to end the pain and SSA and crying - or not being able to cry and on and on...

i am glad that your journey has brought you here. you will find understanding and support and fellow-survivors who can help.

there are thousands of guys in a similar place to you.
you are not alone.
it can get better for you.
i have experienced that.
try to believe that - and try to hope for a better future.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#440402 - 07/08/13 05:49 PM Re: A Lone Ranger [Re: Tide]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
I just want to comment about that feeling of being up against a wall your whole life and not knowing that there is a whole world out there waiting for you.

We don't know what shape and form our life will take or even what a helping hand might feel like.

Somehow, in those moments of unknowing, in that dark night of the soul that so many have lived to tell about, a new life does begin.

We're watching you, holding you, as you step forward.

Keep coming back.

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#440457 - 07/09/13 01:00 PM Re: A Lone Ranger [Re: Tide]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 545
Tide,

I could relate to a lot of things you wrote here. I'm sorry you've gone through so much pain - the drugs, the prostitution, suicidal thoughts, the false self, feeling 'broken'...

You said you needed help, but you didn't know what that would look like. You've made a great start in reaching out. I'm also glad you've realized that what had happened to you was very wrong. It shouldn't have happened - you didn't deserve it, and it wasn't your responsibility. I think MS and the community here will give you a lot of support. Once you have a strong footing, you can start to look at your more individual problems (we all have them), and begin to envision and define what your own form of recovery will look like. Everyone has a different path, and you will get to choose it.

You are breaking down the wall (your false self) slowly. To be frank, as you do this, there will most likely be those who do hurt you, as you fear. But you've shown strength and courage in reaching out here - I'm confident they will pull you through during these times as well. I think breaking down the walls is simply a stepping stone to building strong, healthy and meaningful friendships/relationships. The pain will make the road very bumpy, and sometimes you'll feel anxious about the future, but once you have those friends and support, it would've been worth it.

Things will get better.
_________________________
The ratio of good to bad people in this world will always be tipped in favor of the latter. Always. But that ratio in your own social circle, you can control. And there, and only there, can the balance be favorably tipped, so that those who love you far outnumber those who don't.

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#440476 - 07/09/13 05:16 PM Re: A Lone Ranger [Re: Tide]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:25 PM)

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#440796 - 07/13/13 05:56 PM Re: A Lone Ranger [Re: Tide]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
i hope you feel some comfort and safety here.
welcome to our on-line community.
thanks for sharing your voice.

every contribution you make will matter to someone,
and to you as well.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#440815 - 07/13/13 09:56 PM Re: A Lone Ranger [Re: Tide]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 262
Loc: MO
Dear Tide et al.

Welcome, sorry you need this but I hope we can offer you the support and safety I have found here. The experience of abuse, the belief that we have some responsibility in the choices (about the abuse such as prostitution)is just not real. When the alternatives are so limited, the idea that independent choice is available for us is just a method of believing we are not powerless.

There are many roads to recovery from addiction, but none are useful until you acknowledge the addiction and want to take the effort to get well. That is an effort which requires you take painful steps and make it your highest priority. Therapy will be of limited value until you have gotten through your addiction.

Again welcome and I hope you find the safety that is available here.

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