Here it goes – here is my story. Its something that I have kept to myself for 25 years, and I remember the very first time I was abused.
It was 1989, my family was building a new home, so we were living in a rental house. There was my parents, my older brother and older sister. The rented house we were in was quite small, 3 bedroom house, my sister in one room, parents in another, and my older brother(8 years older) and I sharing the other. Needless to say, being my older brother, he was someone I looked up to, I wanted to be just like him...do what he did, go where he goes, etc...I don't remember how far into our stay in that house it happened, but I remember the night quite well. My brother suggested that we start playing some “games”...at the time, and being only 5 years old, I didn't know any different. The “games” were basically finding things in the dark...which basically amounted to be performing oral sex on him. I was told its just what brothers did, so I didn't question it...I just wanted his acceptance. Now not to get too graphic here, but there are things that are etched into my mind, specifically the taste...I hated it..didn't like it at all...and looking back, I don't know why I didn't just say “no! I hate doing this!”. This carried on for a few years, even in the new house, as we had shared bath's, and the “games” continued in the tub as well. This was a ongoing thing until 1992 when my brother moved off to college.
My 2nd most confusing event came in 1990. It was during a thunderstom in which I was very scared. I remember laying in my bed and crying....my sister's(She was 6 years older) room was next door to mine, and I remember her coming over and asking if I wanted to sleep in her room with her. Seemed harmless, and I welcomed the fact of not being alone during the storm. We were laying in her bed, and remember her suggesting that were was some things we could do to keep our mind off of the storm. She started with showing me her vagina, touching it, performing oral sex on her. She then would perform oral sex on me. It felt great, but again, not really knowing what was going on, I remember the odours in my memory. This happened a few more times. Being 6 at the time, the only thing that was similar to me was canned salmon...to this day every time I smell it, or are around someone that is eating it, those nights are the first thing that comes to my mind.
I never told my sister or brother about the other, and what they were doing with me...i don't understand why I didn't, or tell my parents. Looking back, with such a age gap being myself and my siblings I wanted to be “grown up”, and do grownup things...I didn't know any better.
My dad had a c-band dish – the type of the big dish that out on the pole, and spins around...he had a illegal receiver which allowed for free pay-per-view. I remember sitting in the living room, while my parents were out for the evening, and my brother, sister and I would be sitting there watching porn...I remember my brother and sister telling me what was happening, asking me what I thought they (the actors) were doing, and then laughing at me with my inexperienced explanation. Being 5-9 years old and watching porn, I seen a lot of things that no “normal” 5-9 year should have seen...
The abuse ultimately stopped around 1993...but as I have come to find out that its true the sexual abuse itself had stopped, the mental consequences of my experiences were long from done.
My life since has been filled with sexual confusion, addiction to porn & masturbation and ultimately and regrettably some unsatisfying and very confusing “hookups”. I've never been able to have any real relationships, I’ve preferred to be alone, as I felt I was damaged in some way, and didn't want to hurt a potential partner, as I felt I would never be able to have a real relationship with them. I buried this in my mind as much as I could for as long as I could...to the point where I stopped associating my current life problems with my abuse. It wasn't until I literally stumbled across an article about child sexual abuse being linked to sexual concerns later in life....made complete sense...so here I am. This site so far has helped me so much, in the little time I have been a part of it...the fact alone of hearing that there are others (many others, too many others) that have been through what I have. For the first time I think ever, I have some clarity...as if the dark cloud over me has started to part. I feel incredibly sad for those who have been through worse, and I can only applaud and respect them. I wish for hope and healing to each one of you.
Edited by ModTeam (07/13/13 02:53 PM)
Edit Reason: Added trigger warning
The latest song stuck on repeat....
Evans Blue - Warrior
I am a warrior, not the victim of your pain
I speak for the curious, infected by your ways
And we stand
I stand before your at the front of my
own grave and speak true,
I'm not a warrior for you...