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#440618 - 07/11/13 12:15 AM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: BraveFalcon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey ((((( Ken )))))

I can sympathize with you even though I doen't like the outcome for either of us. I'm sure there are many more like us than we know.

Originally Posted By: Ken
I won't give up the one thing that gives me any joy or that temporarily stops all the fucking chaos in my head. Not now, not ever.

I haven't had any drugs since I got our of the USAF +2 or when I was around 23. I would shoot the kitchen sink if I could get it in a syringe. When I fell apart 2-1/2 years ago I started drinking. The only time I ever seriously drank was at 10 years old in my best friends wine cellar. I was drinking 1/2 qt of whiskey a night and sometimes during lunch breaks (expensive). I finally kicked that habit because my shrink gave me some meds for that. But I still needed something to stop the wheels in my head. I came up with a good quantity of legal drugs like Oxycontin. This was getting harder to come by but I was willing to go to jail by getting stung. But again I had a problem I needed something to stop my head, so now I'm just smoking my brains out getting high as a kite to stop my head.

Now the problem that we both have is what do we do when we can't afford what we're using now? I probably do know what my answer would be. We have to come up with something. I know the feeling when my head stopes and I can be in the twilight zone.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#440619 - 07/11/13 12:27 AM . [Re: BraveFalcon]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#440681 - 07/11/13 09:42 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: lapchinj]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Hi guys. Thanks for the continued replies and support.

Jeff - You know, I used to be a huge pothead but as I got older, I found it has a different effect on me than it used to. As far as the "chaos in my head" goes, sometimes weed can actually almost make it worse. You know, like it makes me think to much and I can even freak out a little bit. I still smoke some, but only when I've had enough to drink to balance the mental part of the high out. Fortunately, I've never gotten into popping pills. I've taken valume a few times and had oxycodone after my facial surgery but I've made myself stay away since then. I like that shit way to much. It's probably a good thing I can't afford them.

Greg - Thanks for the suggestions but I'm not going to try to negotiate with my brither to get him to keep living with me. He's made his wishes clear and I want to respect them. Besides, at some point, negotiating just becomes begging in a situation like this one and I don't want to do that. After all, I knew I wasn't going to be able to live with my brother forever. At some point I was going to have to figure out what to do without him.

Anyway, there aren't really any new developments in the situation and there probably wont be for a while. I need to think about some things, talk to some people, talk to my parents, etc. I'll let everyone know if and when there is anything new to tell. Thanks again. Peace,

Ken

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#440685 - 07/11/13 10:20 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: BraveFalcon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Ken,

Drinking is also expensive. I would go through a case of whiskey around every 2 weeks (12 bottles). The better whiskey is soft as opposed to the bargain basement kind. I kept going into the same liquor store to buy cases of booze and the guy ask me if I take a bath in the stuff so I told him I cater some parties.

I was into drugs I wasn't crazy about drinking. I was really into speed especially in the USAF just so I could stay up to work. I would crash at least once a week and then I start the process all over again. the problem is that I rotted all my teeth down to the gums. But that's OK I love bananas and yogurt. I just can't afford to even think about teeth, just to take out the other shit would be way too expensive. I just tell people that I'm on a diet and had all my teeth pulled crazy.

I guess to each his own. I thought that I would never take drugs or anything like that since I was off the shit for about 40 years. but I fell apart big time and that's what my head is into. My shrink gave me something for the drinking so that worked but I asked him if there was something for the drugs and he said the only thing is methadone and I didn't want to go that route.

I sure wish I had some thoughts on living or not living with your brother but I never had any siblings so I don't know how to what to think about it. It just seems that you don't have many choices and that cuts into your drinking money so be very careful if you can't afford both. If I can help you in any way don't be scared to ask, if I can help you I will.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#440702 - 07/12/13 05:31 AM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: lapchinj]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
HI Jeff. Thanks. Yeah, I've always heard that methadone is one of those things where the cure can be worse than the disease or at least as bad. When it comes to what my drinking costs me financially, I have it down to about $150 to $175 a month. It used to be a lot more than that but I've made myself start buying mostly only shit swill beer like Icehouse. Also, I limit my drinking on work nights to 3-4 16 oz cans a night. On the weekends, it's normally more like 12-15 16 oz cans and sometimes a few shots of cheap vodka or tequila and maybe a little weed. Those are the nights I often wind up passing out on the floor. I need those nights though. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. (If only barely) crazy Take care. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (07/12/13 05:32 AM)

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#440704 - 07/12/13 08:01 AM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: BraveFalcon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Ken

No complaints coming from me, unfortunately I know what you mean. I guess we're on the same wavelength, it doesn't matter how we get there as long as we're numb and out of it. I'm sorry we have to go that route just to find a little peace while we're here frown.

Be safe please

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#440737 - 07/12/13 04:37 PM . [Re: BraveFalcon]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#440763 - 07/13/13 03:47 AM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: BraveFalcon]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

BraveFalcon,

Seems to me your brother has presented you with an opportunity to grow, as he's doing himself. Getting and staying sober from booze or drugs is no easy accomplishment, to do so in an environment where others are using, even more difficult. It's good of him to stay until the lease is up and great that he's being honest with you. Seems like the kind of person who would be a good ally to have in recovery from anything.

You've said it's not an option for you, but perhaps you might reconsider sobriety for yourself, it's pretty beneficial in dealing with all kinds of things in better ways, including clearing your mind and working on sexual abuse issues. You might even save enough money by not buying alcohol to help pay for living more independently and having your own pet cats. As you've said other choices seem a step backwards, perhaps it's time to make things better for yourself, not just static or much worse.

Best of luck on what's next, I truly hope things turn out okay for you. I've lost a few friends who succeeded at what you've expressed as your wish, I miss them terribly and would've liked to have grown sober, older and wiser with them. I'll bet there are a lot of people who would miss you too.

Gary
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#440770 - 07/13/13 09:51 AM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: 1.healing]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: JoeSmith
Brave:
I can't believe you drink as much as you do! Because you are one of the sanest and most rational and intelligent people I've seen on this site. You never even "sound" drunk or out of it. I don't drink at all, so I have no idea what a lot is in terms of beer. But If you're passing out on the floor though, Ken, this is not funny, I have no idea what the solution would be but I would just suggest to you not to look at drinking on a regular basis until you pass out on the floor as just some minor issue. For such a smart and talented guy, I hate to be the negative killjoy here, but I'm just thinking of you when I say I'm concerned if you are having this problem to this degree


Hi Greg. Wow, in this post you called me intelligent, rational, sane and talented. Thanks, although a lot of that isn't really true. Not at all. Rational I'll accept. I am probably one of the most rational people there is and I know it. Intelligent I'm not so sure about. Wise, maybe. Intelligent, not so much. People have been telling me how intelligent I am since I was a little kid and I can't seem to do any-fucking-thing but prove them wrong. It would almost be less frustrating if people would just tell me I'm stupid and useless. Then at least my life would make sense. Sane I'm definitely not. I don't know what I could have ever done or said to give anyone that idea. Talented, even less than sane. If I were as half as intelligent, sane and talented as I am rational, I'd be a very rich and successful man.

I may not seem like I'm drunk on here but I often am. (Not right now. I just woke up.) I'm pretty good at typing shit out when I'm wasted. Although I don't normally get on here when I'm blackout, pass-out-on-the-floor drunk. As far as drinking until I pass out on the floor then waking up the next day not remembering how I got there, meh, it is what it is. Yeah, it's not healthy, but it's just kind of what I do. (On the weekends.)

Originally Posted By: 1.healing

You might even save enough money by not buying alcohol to help pay for living more independently and having your own pet cats. As you've said other choices seem a step backwards, perhaps it's time to make things better for yourself, not just static or much worse.

Best of luck on what's next, I truly hope things turn out okay for you. I've lost a few friends who succeeded at what you've expressed as your wish, I miss them terribly and would've liked to have grown sober, older and wiser with them. I'll bet there are a lot of people who would miss you too.


Hi Gary. Yeah, I'd save an extra $150 to $175 a month by not drinking but even that wouldn't be enough to live on my own. That would take several hundred extra dollars a month. Besides, what good would being able to afford my own place be if I were sober and miserable all the time? Believe me, I've tried sobriety before. It was called the first 17 years of my life and it sucked, big time. My life still sucks now but at least I can get tanked every once in a while. It may kill me eventually, but I made peace with that fact long ago. Thanks for responding guys. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#440778 - 07/13/13 12:21 PM Re: And It Just Keeps Getting Better. [Re: BraveFalcon]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1227
Loc: New York
Hey Ken,

People are really worried about you and greg is a great example of what someone else feels for you. I couldn't have said it better than him. I suck as being an example because I don't listen to what people say just like you don't listen. But like you say "it's just kind of what I do". I understand that we just have to get away from ourselves for a little while.

There were a couple of items you mention that aren't true or shouldn't be thought of. One, is that you would rather someone say you were useless and stupid. Well my mother always told me that, I remember her yelling at me that I'm worthless and won't amount to anything because I don't listen to her. She's the biggest prick in my life. She would tell me that she doesn't understand how smart I am but I'll end up wasting my life because I don't listen to her. When you were called Intelligent, sane and talented it was used as a hammer to fuck you up with. They didn't give a shit about you besides trying to belittle you. Two, as far as being rich, you see a lot of fucken rich guys that are as stupid as a doorknob. I know a lot of smart people, all of them here on MS. They all have issues but are really intelligent and sweet people that have the brains to try and solve their issues - you are one of them. We all worry about each other and when someone has issues like your it hurts and we try and help. That's what makes us "real" brothers, we really and truly worry about each other.

Love ya Ken, and we worry about you.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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