Newest Members
Casey_SC, Xr2, clt, Lumpy, squeekinby
12372 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
drivejoepublic (44), eagle299 (43), H18 (21), JJJ (43), mariposaman (63), SevenTwoTwo76 (39), TexAgMan (37), waiter (44), wgwarch (55)
Who's Online
9 registered (Casey_SC, Jude, dan_in_newengland, aniceguy, BraveFalcon, 2 invisible), 32 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12372 Members
74 Forums
63593 Topics
444246 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#440776 - 07/13/13 12:00 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
You don't need to apologize - you didn't make me sad.

I've been sad almost all of my life. The "universe" seems hell bent on destroying my spirit by torturing me with loneliness.

I've fought for 30 years now. I'm tired. The universe will likely win.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#440779 - 07/13/13 12:34 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1200
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

I think that some of us are standing on cliff's edge. Loneliness is a bad desease but I hope you can get through it. Your too down to earth to let it kill you. The universe will always win in the end, we just have to try and stay here. I'm not just saying that, it's what I have to do also and I know it's tough. I'm lonely in a different way, I never had "real" friends since I was a youth until I came here. So that's a start. On the outside in the real world I still have no "real" friends except maybe one. True I'm married and have kids and grandkids but it's like I'm looking at all that go on through a window from the snowy and cold outside into a warm and cozy inside. I never did a diaper, homework with any of my 6 kids, never held them, never played with them and worst of all I had to stay at work so I wouldn't go near them. I have been blessed with 13 grandchildren (so far) but all I can do is look at them smile and play and fight and be unabused kids. I'm afraid of my own family.

I still haven't conquered my loneliness and like you I don't know if I'll make it but we do have each other here on MS and it's a start, I hope it goes on to a better life for all of us.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#440780 - 07/13/13 01:05 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
I'm sorry to hear about your tough experiences and feeling lonely.

From my perspective, you're doing phenomenal. You're making friends here? You actually feel connected to people here? That hasn't been happening for me either. I can't connect to ANYONE. In spite of the difficulties you describe, I find it amazing that you have children and grand children and a wife. I find it amazing that people are feeling like they're making real friends here and connecting with others. I haven't been able to feel that here. I've written about this here.

Something is wrong with me. Something is terribly, terribly wrong.

Would I would give to just be held. What I would give to just hear the words "I love you." and "You're important to me."

And PLEASE don't say it here! We hardly know each other.

I have to say. Right now I'm terrified. I don't know how this weekend is going to turn out.

I can't take any more of this experience called "life". It amounts to torture. If there is an intelligent design to all of this, this designer has designed my defeat.

People keep saying "it will pass". What if it doesn't? It hasn't passed for me yet. It's been over 30 years. I've been waiting for it to "pass". No - I haven't been waiting, I've been working at recovery like a fucking slave! Some people expire before it passes.

Maybe the only way for this to pass, is for ME to pass.

Sorry, Jeff, and Geoff. Don't take offense. I'm glad you cared to reply. I don't see the value in marching on anymore. Reading words from a bulletin board like MS can only go so far.

I needed a real connection. I needed to feel like I belonged somewhere. I needed someone to tell me that I was important to them. I needed to be held. I've tried for so long, and I failed. I can't get my needs met, and I have no fucking clue know how to get them met.


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#440786 - 07/13/13 02:50 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1200
Loc: New York
Hey ((((( Magellan ))))),

Please hold on and give it another shot. You see that people care about you unfortunately we don't know each other personally but from what I do see of you I could be your friend any day and I'm sure that there are plenty more people who think that way also.

When I told you my shit in the post before I was not trying to out do you but just trying to show you that I might be able to understand your "emptiness". Yes it was bad that I fell apart and that I had to come here but it is the only thing that is keeping me sane and here. It is the only place I have been able to open up and tell my story, or at least most of it. It is the only place that I could be mme.

Showing love for a person doesn't mean they are romantic about it, it means we feel for the other person and we do feel for you having to live with your shit and not being able to connect to anyone. Please try we're here for you, we're here for each other. From what I see of you here on MS I could easily be your friend.

Please think it over, I want to be your friend. I don't think that I could take another Bryan event. I still can't get over what he did. So many guys and me included were talking to him. I talked to him 2 days before he pulled his plug and I was devastated, he just gave in. He is now at peace but we're not. I'm still hoping that he will come back. but that's only a dream, I miss him.

I won't say anything in order to respect your request but from your 1200 posts I know enough to consider myself your friend.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#440797 - 07/13/13 06:01 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
don't worry. i'm not doing anything stupid this weekend. i have my dog to take care of.

>:(
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#440804 - 07/13/13 06:48 PM Re: Nope! [Re: lapchinj]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

I'm another gay boy/man. Like Jeff, i got married, raised a family.

I was in the Air Force for 23 years. I was a closeted gay man.
A very immature & wet behind the ears boy/adolescent/man.

Like my brothers here everything changed when all the abuse came to the surface. I knew all about the emotional, mental & physical part since i was a very young gay boy. And i had spent quite a few years of my life trying to drown that boy in alcohol & and trying to run away from him.
But, i think that in these past 4 years i have learned more about myself than i ever knew in the previous 69 1/2.

Started therapy in Germany, my wife was invited by my T to attend a few T sessions with me. She did & then she understood just why & how i had treated her, no emotional or mental bonding no feelings for her, none-zero. But for my sons, grandsons, my male friends military & civilian i had tons of emotions for them. She had seen that for now (40) years. So it was no supprise to her that when i walked out the door to our apartment in Germany 4 years ago, she got no kiss, no hug, no thanks, no tears from me.
I will admit that she gave me 100% of herself & two fine sons. I gave her nothing in return, never knew how to relate to a female.
When i told her that i'm leaving her & Germany forever, she said to me. "So you want to leave me and go marry a man." Never did i knowingly ever give her a reason to think that. I never cheated on her, up to the time that i left Germany.

Since i came out from the closet at the WoR at Alta, Utah in '09, i have attempted to find a partner, someone to share my love with totally & unconditionally. But, you see my problem is i'm still that shy, immature, wet behind the ears boy. I don't mix well in company, as my social skills are severely lacking. I can't look someone in the face, i can't carry on a conversation & when i see someone heading for me, i look for a way out.
I connected with another brother of ours here in MS, asking him for some pointers in finding that man. After i told him about all my hangups he told me you sure put stumbling blocks in your way. You need to learn some social skills or you're going to be a lonely man or worse yet be a one night stand guy & that's not what you want or looking for.
I have an idea, Pete & he writes down an address on a napkin for me. It was the adddress for the Gay/Lesbian/Transgender MCC community. Try getting yourself involved with that group & they will welcome you with open hearts & minds. They all understand about being shy & they will help you on your social skills & relating to others.
I gave it a try after many trips there & not having the nerve to get out of my pickup. The big stumbling block was the building had church on it. Not for me, I gave up on Him as a boy, and it's been a love/hate relationship in my adult years.
I was welcomed into the community,by the gay ordained pastor & his partner. A young lesbian couple took a shinning to this old guy who showed up. I was very standoffish to them, as i have taught myself that i hated & feared all females & they were females. The helped ease my fears about being in a gay group for the first time in my life.
I had fianally made a connection with my kind of people & i felt comfortable with all of them.
I tried the spiritual part of it but had to admit to myself & the pastor after about a year that i really didn't go there to find God, I went there to find a partner so i left the community.

I'm going to be moving back to Texas within the next two weeks. I've been a house guest with another survivor, a straight survivor. We have helped each other along these past 2 1/2 years.

I'm going to try & find a partner, i am looking for someone who will hold, caress, love & care for me, as i will for him. Most important is that we can whisper in each others ear the most powerful words in any language in my humble opinion.
"I LOVE YOU." This still very shy boy/man is going to give it a try again. I've been into a few gay partner finder sites, but everyone is looking for young or younger guys.
At my age (numerical) i'm 74 years. Anyone who has ever read some of my posts will see where i have refused to be an old man. I'm still that boy between 10-14 years old who was in love with another gay boy in that orphanage/Home for four years.

As i was leaving Germany & my wife she said to me, who would want an old man? Especially who would want sex with an old man?
I told her that the sex is a very small part of the equasion, you don't know anything about gay love. I will tell you it's true love, bonding & caring with another human being emotionally & mentally in heart, mind, body & soul. Something that i never had for you. Got it!

But, which one of us is looking for someone to love & care for him?

Is it, young Pete seeking that love that he never recieved in his youth. A mothers love?

Or is it Pete, the adult desperately wanting to find someone to share his love & life with?

If it's the young Pete then it is doomed to failure & lonliness for the rest of his life.

But, my brothers we are lovable human beings, worthy of sharing anothers love with. We just have to keep trying to finally find the true love that we so richly deserve.
I sure hope so not only for me, but my brothers right here, right now.

Wishing you all well in love & healing, my brothers.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#440896 - 07/14/13 08:34 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thank you for your reply, Pete. I appreciate the question you asked - am I trying to get my mother's love or desperately wanting to love another person because I can?

Honestly - both. They're still mixed together, and I just had insight that part of what compells me to find someone to love is an unquenchable thirst to be loved in a way I have never been loved - loved like a mother should have loved me.

I don't know how to separate (and heal) this.

Thanks again. I felt quite a bit better after reading your note and pondering the question and reminding myself that this thing called love is something I have yet to understand.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#440962 - 07/15/13 05:35 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:34 PM)

Top
#440966 - 07/15/13 06:28 PM Re: Nope! [Re: bodyguard8367]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers,

Geoff, pardon me for asking but where in the "family of choise" part are you talking about if i may ask?

I typed family of choice into google & there about a bazillion different sites. Can you guide me to the one that you are suggesting to Magellan?

Wishing my brothers here in this forum well in seeking love & partnership.
Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#440980 - 07/15/13 08:12 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Hi Geoff,

I wish I had a chosen family. I've been embarrassed to be admitting here at MS that I also don't know how to make friends, either. The abuse and neglect I suffered in childhood pretty much destroyed my ability to connect to anyone at all.

I've been severely socially dysfunctional because of the abuse and because of my severe hearing loss. After living in San Francisco for the last 20 years, I am ashamed and humiliated to admit that I don't have any real gay male friends, either.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.