i feel so bad for you over what happened to you as a boy. i too was 5 when it started - but it was a step-dad - not a real father. i would think that what you endured would even be worse. the shame you feel is natural - but it is a result of what was done to you - not your choice or fault.
i am glad you have found us and decided to speak out. i hope you will find comfort, support and encouragement here among others who have had similar experiences and can relate to what you feel.
A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense to not himself.
Or just as mad.
So there you are.
Stark raving sane.
- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead