[QUOTE] I wish I had more of a sense of humor about it but my fantasies have so focused on "reliving" the abuse, that I can only take it seriously.
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My fantasies are slowly going away from my old ones where I re-lived the abuse or fantasised about sex with other men, they are losing their effect.
Which is good, and I'm replacing them with more 'acceptable' fantasies which actually work, which is even better.

I have no problem with using fantasy, if it keeps my sexual urges alive then that's ok by me.
But the old abuse related ones filled me with guilt and shame, that I can do without.

Dave

It's good that you care enough to try to do better.

That advice didn't work for me, at least not directly.

I was advised to pray about it when the urge was strongest. It makes sense, doesn't it? But, the harder I prayed and tried to stop, the worse it was getting. What was that about?

It took me a while to figure out a trend.

In my case compulsion was at the source of repetition. So 'EXERTING my mind' was the wrong thing to do. Praying (exerting my mind) and thus JUST CONSIDERING the subject put the issue too clearly into lingering focus, and thus made it more likely to occur for me.

I found some help in finding something else to think about immediately--go do something else RIGHT NOW, just switch channels.

I pray about it at times now--but very short mention, and NOT when the tempatation is there. It sounds all backwards, and I'm not discounting God's help. I just have to do what works for me. The new way doesn't always work, but the difference in frequency, before and after the change in methods, is definitely there.

The other saying that is good from AA is that "Relapse is part of recovery". I figure that in the case of sexual abuse, your relapse symptoms have got to be sexual.

Eventually it sneaks up on me again, but the new way has helped somewhat. Again, it's good that you care enough to try to do better.

Regards,

Ed

I meant it was 'obsessing' over the subject that kept it in focus and led to relapse, not 'compulsion'. The compulsion, the actions, soon followed.

Tb

Gosh, Tribear, talk about synchronicity!
I had a very strong relapse a few weeks ago, based on anger towards a certain person. My therapist said that maybe, given the fact of my sexual abuse and the consequently screwed-up view of sex, the only way I could express this anger was in masturbatory fantasies.

Tom

My God! This thread is still alive! This seems to be serious to some, less so to others. It has really helped me to get this out where I know other men will read it.

I finally threw out *ALL* the porn on Saturday. Just got up in the morning and stated the decision out loud. So I dropped 2 sacks in a dumpster behind a restaurant. Then last night, I stopped at an adult store and bot 3 new mags. AAAGGGHHHH! I think Ed has very good insight on this. I have to do this in this particular way. I will throw out the 3 new mags and then see what happens! I wonder if this is serving to release guilt and shame about sex? If I could go into an adult store and buy whatever, just as if I were buying a head of lettuce, would I have accomplished some new recovery? Or would I just be desensitized? I'm feeling crazy and tense now.

But I want to be healed NOW! Really, I have been corresponding with women through an Internet service. There are two very strong candidates. I DEARLY WANT to give a woman I can commit to all of me. Masturbation feels like withholding. And prayer works about 3/4 of the time. It's that 4th time!

RickB

Tom
I also find that a sudden burst of anger towards someone, or my job, has the same effect.
I get pissed off, so I retreat into my 'old' defences.

I guess we need to find some new ones eh ?

Dave

This is an intense thread. Thank you all for speaking so honestly. It really helps to see how others struggle with this.

This is a big issue for me right now. The fantasies I have involve my f*cking g*ddamn parents, and I do not want them in my head any more. The shame involved with this is still intense, even though I understand everything you all said. Then I guess the shame triggers me into causing myself some sort of pain while I'm jerking off, or even physicaly re-enacting parts of the abuse. I'm sorry, I feel like such an idiot, because I am doing this to myself now, no one else is making me do this. Some of the stuff isn't even arousing, I just need to do it.

I agrre that masturbationis fine, but I don't want all the other stuff. So right now I just jerk off as soon as I get home from work, without thinking about anything, and then I am keeping all the lights on, since I do the weird stuff in low light. I reallyl feel like I need to get control over this behavior. Last week I spent four of the evenings after work just thinking or doing this stuff.

Really, I do have other ambitions for my life.

I think it was right when people talked about there being other feelings underneath. A lot more feelings about the SA have been coming up, and that's when this issue intensified. You guys said a lot of important things that I'll be thinking about for a while.

Jim

Very, recently I have begun to see some of the "models" in the materials I use as probable victims of abuse themselves. A real turn off.