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#440568 - 07/10/13 01:48 PM therapy weirdness
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
Anyone ever in therapy and start feeling like the therapist is pulling details of your assault out of you more for self-arousal than anything else? I know there are good therapists out there, but do they really need to know all this stuff they ask about? Like did it hurt.. did you cry.. of course! what difference does it make?! And to sit there staring at me while i squirm in my seat.. I feel like my humiliation is once again being enjoyed.
Then again maybe this is just the therapy heebie-jeebies, but isn't a good therapist supposed to be good at making sure you DONT feel that way?

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#440630 - 07/11/13 08:14 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 817
Loc: michigan
hey Jaifian
It is so hard for us as survivors to trust our perceptions in many cases. PTSD often makes us feel threat where none exists and if your experience has been of a certain nature ,we then to anticipate that same thing going forward. that being said your therapist should be able to help you with those feelings.but to do so he must know how you are feeling. I would suggest the next time he asks for details that you stop there and tell him how you feel and ask for his reasoning in asking those questions. my current T has never asked for details, and the one I had before only did once and the fear and anger showed himself and we had to do some calming things it was not pleasant and he never asked again so I think if we are open with what we are feeling it is better all around. hope that helps
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#440712 - 07/12/13 09:40 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
go to a therapist that can apply congnitive processing therapy. they dont focus on the details of the assault. but on how it gets you stuck in life and how to unstick you.

yes a lot of EMDR therapists are useless cunty garbage and will want to hear all the sordid details. rise above it and find a CPT therapist. regards
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#440766 - 07/13/13 05:16 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi Jafian,

When I was in therapy for my CSA issues, my therapist never asked for details of the abuse. In fact told me it wasn't necessary to hash out the details in order to heal and recover.

Personally, I don't think asking your therapist for greater consideration is something you should need to do. Please, find someone else who is more sensitive to your needs and qualified in the treatment of SA. You deserve better!

Gary
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#440984 - 07/15/13 10:36 PM . [Re: Jaifian]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#441027 - 07/16/13 08:16 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Quote:
[/quote]but isn't a good therapist supposed to be good at making sure you DONT feel that way?[quote]


Jaifian, I think your statement answers your question. There are many, many times when we will be uncomfortable sharing info related with assault. But to be ask for specific details is something I would have a hard time with.

When I began therapy in Nov of '12, I went to ONE therapist who thought male on male rape was a matter of co-dependency. Truly, she gave me a paper to rate my co-dependency traits. I did not go back. T #2... I found her thru the recommendation of a friend. I am still trying to erase the remarks from my psychic that she said.... things like "now you know how a woman feels", and "I guess you are taking it up both ends"... and that my behavior caused the rape. Unfortunately for me, I stayed a few months longer that I should have.

T #3... I have been with him for about 2 1/2 months. If he asks something or says something that makes me uncomfortable, I remember that I am in control. I just ask for clarification as to why the question or the remark. It's very empowering. If he were to ask for details such as you mentioned, I would ask him why. If I became as uncomfortable as you are with my T, I probably would not return.

A T can do remarkable damage that stays with us. The goal is to take care of YOU. Hope my thoughts help a bit.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#441120 - 07/17/13 01:37 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
Your therapist is your guide, but it is your journey.
If you do not feel comfortable, talk about it.
Both of these statements are true, doing it takes some courage but it is worthwhile.
_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#441198 - 07/17/13 07:14 PM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
I feel like I have to second guess myself kind of because I already know I'm going to be cranky about dealing with it at all, so I'm probably going to read things cynically. Every time I have to tell the story to someone in person like that it kind of feels like that person is victimizing me. It feels like my getting raped is being used to humiliate me for not defending myself. It's like because I couldn't defend myself I now have to keep telling therapists about getting raped as punishment.

So when I already feel like that, it's probably too easy to think bad things about the therapist like they must be getting off on it or whatever. ThisMan, that is truly a therapist horror story! That therapist clearly had issues of her own and was not capable of helping someone else.

There are bad therapists out there. My feeling is the one I have is probably ok, just not great like the very first on I had. Since I'm stuck with community mental health, my choices are limited.

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#441234 - 07/18/13 03:47 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi Again Jaifian,

I'm sorry that along with the usual difficulties in dealing with sexual abuse that you're also experiencing therapist issues. As you said it may just be a misunderstanding or perhaps the therapist you see isn't trained to treat survivors of sexual abuse. It is a specific area of counseling that has different protocols than other therapies and the counselor you're seeing may not have the qualifications and experience needed to help you.

Even in Community Mental Health there are people who work primarily with survivors. If you're in a larger mental health system these therapist may be working in another office on the other side of town. It may be helpful to call your case manager and inquire if there's someone else who may have specific training in treating sexual abuse.

You deserve to be comfortable with who you work with and to be treated respectfully and appropriately. I hope things get better for you soon and I wish you all the best in healing.

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#441701 - 07/22/13 04:31 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: ThisMan]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
this man,

this isnt going to sound nice. but its true.

some things in life can be considered painful and unpleasant intiations.

It certainly is true that you know what the pain fo a woman is now. the T may have been tactless. but he/she was accurate.

woman and men have been getting raped for years. unfortunately. the world still doesnt want to deal with rape survivors that are men and there are not many resources on the subject so some well meaning therapists are translating the best they can. its not an excuse but its the truth.

i hate to say it, but she or he isnt being rude, just honest.
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#441791 - 07/22/13 06:56 PM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Tyr]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Originally Posted By: Tyr

this isnt going to sound nice. but its true.


But it's not true. At all. No one here is ever going to know what rape feels like for a woman. Maybe they feel the same emotions, like fear or whatever, but you're never going to know how it actually feels.

Rape is seen as a real threat to women. They don't go out alone at night, they're not supposed to get too drunk, or dress in too revealing clothes, even the police say stuff like "avoid unlit areas at night". Personally I think men should avoid getting too drunk in public because you just don't know what might happen. I'm just kind of paranoid, but usually, as a man you don't have to be thinking about, should I walk down this dark alley way...?

One of the things that bothers me a lot is being seen as less of a man, or weak and girly. I do not want a therapist that's going to compare me to a woman. That's just completely wrong. I don't know what she was trying to do, but whatever it was it sucked.

Jaifian... sorry for kind of hijacking your thread. I would absolutely hate to have a therapist asking me those kind of questions. I don't really see what they need to know those kind of details for? I would leave and find a new one. But I also have the same paranoia about people wanting details of what happened to me for their own enjoyment. That's the main reason why I never posted in any detail about what happened to me here. It took me a long time to decide to start therapy because I didn't want to sit there and go through every incident, but in the end I decided that I didn't really need to. The actual stuff that happened isn't so important, it's more the way I feel about it and the issues that it causes me that I want to work on. I think Gary had some good advice about the CMH people. I'm with them too, some of them are completely useless and some of them are awesome. (My new therapist that I have isn't part of community mental health though). Good luck. It really does suck that you are trying to do the right thing by going to therapy and then having it cause you more problems.

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#441821 - 07/22/13 10:55 PM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
This isn't going to sound nice, but it is my personal truth. I haven't a clue how a woman who has been raped feels. No, I know not what the pain of a woman is, no more than she would know the pain of THIS male. I wish not to debate my therapeutic experiences and their effect on me.

Jaifian, you are correct in that there are bad therapists out there. Of course there are. I hope you are more comfortable now and just remember that you deserve to be comfortable with whomever you are with, as Gary-1. said. I wish you the best.

..txb- we were posting at the same time. Thank you for your comments.


Edited by ThisMan (07/22/13 10:59 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#441834 - 07/23/13 12:11 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
To Tyr,

That kind of "honesty" from anyone, but especially a therapist is clueless, cruel and completely inappropriate. Of course no one can actually know the exact pain of another person, but you sure can have a good idea of it! Besides why would someone, especially a professional, invalidate a sexual abuse survivor, male or female, by saying something like that, it's horrible!

On the Male Survivor Home Page there's a link, on the menu click "Find Support" then click "Find A Therapist" and there is a great guide to help in selecting and working with a therapist. It's titled "A Consumers Guide To Therapist Shopping", it contains some good information.

Hope this might help,

Gary / 1.healing


txb and This Man: You guys certainly get it, nice to be in your company!




Edited by 1.healing (07/23/13 06:41 AM)
Edit Reason: post script
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#442485 - 07/29/13 06:39 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
because the words are words they are pharyngeal vibrations in wind that is all and they ring with a sad truth. this man or that man or who the heck ever you are all responsible for your own feelings.

if you dont like what your therapist said. call em on it. see what they have to say.

i dont know any of you from adam. and i am sorry for your experiences and no one wants to be feminized but i dont think she meant it that way. i think she meant that you can better understand the ongoing life experiences that even more women than non incarcerated men face.

just take a deep breath and take it down a few notches. if you dont like what she said, call her on it and see what she has to say for herself.
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#444472 - 08/16/13 06:41 AM Re: therapy weirdness [Re: Jaifian]
johnb11 Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 10
Loc: Europe
My therapist stopped when he saw he was pushing me too far. Reliving the events in a safe place can take the deep threat of them away, because YOU choose let them out and view them more objectively. Imagine that a good friend is relating them to you.

Sounds like your T has issues, its not about women, or her, her priority is to validate you, not presume you don't empathise with raped women. Its also a distraction and off subject. Ask her to explain why she said it to you.

Whatever reservations you have about her... u are her client, you are the customer. Take control, ask her and let her reason with you so YOU understand. Then u can decide whether you choose to stay or find someone else.
_________________________
To my brothers here, and to remind me:
I am NOT alone.
I was NOT responsible
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=...e=1&theater

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