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#441758 - 07/22/13 03:21 PM Re: Another Step In Healing Talked With Diocese [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1446
Very unexpected. Today I received a call and an email from the diocese. I was unable to take the call and the voice message was comforting--checking in to see how I was doing and if I had decided on seeking support. I spoke with them almost two weeks ago and was surprised with a follow up call. I have a SNAP meeting on Wednesday and want to vet these developments and to gather some insight on my current diocese and the contact person I was given from my diocese in CT. The message seemed sincere and concerned. They also reiterated I was doing the right things.

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#441764 - 07/22/13 04:25 PM ! [Re: KMCINVA]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:05 PM)

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#442533 - 07/29/13 03:19 PM Re: Another Step In Healing Talked With Diocese [Re: KMCINVA]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
I don't want to rain on all the positive things that are happening to you but I also was in the same spot you are in 11 years ago and felt nothing but positive things coming from the Archdiocese of St Paul. It ended up that they helped me for a few years but ended up revictimizeing me again. They cut off all help when I needed my Therapist the most. I am not saying this will happen to you I just want to let you know, just because they help doesn't mean they have your best intest in mind.

Number 1 thing I can tell you is take thier offer of help for professional therapy but do not , DO NOT use their people. Find your own Therapist and let them pay for it. Many times the person they ask you to use is working for the CHURCH. That person is not working for you. The most important thing is that the T works for you and no one else. You have a right to pick tour own Therapist, no matter what they say.

Many times the church is being all open and supportive only to find out what information you have, don't trust them too much.

I think many states are taken a new look at changing the SoL to give victims more time to bring criminal and civil cases Againest thier perps. In Minnesota we change the laws this year , so that all new cases of Child Sexual Abuse the victim has a unlimited SoL and old cases like my has 3 years to bring a case forward. Hopefully things will change in your state soon.

If you ever want to talk with me about my 11 year of dealing with the Church here in Minnesota , or have questions about your case send me a PM.
Best of Luck

Tom
_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#442550 - 07/29/13 06:59 PM Re: Another Step In Healing Talked With Diocese [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1446
Tom

Thank you. I have sent you a PM. I understand the impact pushing forward csn have on me and I am weighing these factors. The dioces knows the timeline and I am sure they know who it is. Their offer to provide support came after they were able to connect the dots. It makes me wonder how much do they know and have on the perp. It is the Diocese of Bridgeport. Notorious for destroying records (Long time Bishop Curtis admitted to this saying moving priest around was the way it was done and thought they could be cured).

I do not know how far I will go but even telling the parish and diocese has been therapeutic for me.

I looking forward to hearing from you.

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#443516 - 08/06/13 01:28 PM Re: Another Step In Healing Talked With Diocese [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1446
Just an update. I have made initial contact with the local diocese in Virginia to which I was referred to by my home diocese in CT. The local diocese was very open and compassionate in our discussion. I did not feel like a victim but rather safe. It is odd because there are many people who I have known quite well and I do not feel safe with them. I am extremely surprised on how the two dioceses have handled the discussions. I hope it continues in this tone. The options need to be discussed between the two dioceses' which will most likely slow the process. But if what I have been told actually happens it should be somewhat seamless. I will only know as I progress.

Like Tom had mentioned the experience can change. I just hope it is not a false sense of security they are creating. I know their disclosures will be limited because laws can change. There is currently a pending bill in Committee in the CT. State legislature to eliminate the SOL, but it is the third time it has been brought up--so I am not optimistic it will get anywhere. But in time, the laws may change and the dioceses' want to protect themselves. In my heart, I know they know who he is and their offers must be based on this knowledge. I just wonder how deep of trail this man left and how many lives he destroyed. I probably will never know. I do hope others are seeking help and it seems he is not in active duty-retired and living outside the parish in his own house.

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#443546 - 08/06/13 05:14 PM Re: Another Step In Healing Talked With Diocese [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1446
I forgot to mention. In my conversations I was asked if I would meet with thevBishop one on one. I was told he wanted to apologize for what happened to me by someone in the church and to ask for my forgiveness. I became emotional and even when writing it I am tearing. I have so many emotions at this request, anger at what the church allowed to happen, hurt, a sense of loss of my life but also validation of what happened and to hear the institution apologize for the wrong I and others lived is humbling but is it enough? I am mad because I believe they know more about the perp than I will never know and they know I am just another of his victims. Can I forgive the church, I do not know, can I forgive the priest, I do not know? I do not know what I would do or say to the bishop if we met I am mad at the bishop during my time who years later admitted destroying records and saw nothing wrong in moving priest around when abuse occurred. I have lost my faith. Even with the mixed emotions part of me tells me to go. I am not ready for that meeting. One day I will but not today. This probably reads like a rambling mind. Thanks for listening

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#443548 - 08/06/13 05:44 PM Re: Another Step In Healing Talked With Diocese [Re: KMCINVA]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2974
Loc: O Kanada
my first reaction was... good.
at least it appears they are taking this seriously.
or perhaps they only wish to make that appearance.

my second reaction was... your feelings.
you own this.
you can control where this goes.
you can set the limits and conditions.
it could be an opportunity for closure.
i would contemplate the consequences before committing to action.

hope this helps.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#443581 - 08/06/13 11:40 PM Re: Another Step In Healing Talked With Diocese [Re: victor-victim]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1446
Victor

Thank you for your thoughts. I had a support group meeting and we discussed what has been happening with me. Most seem to agree with you, I am now in control of how this moves forward. They also commented that the actions of the diocese show they know more than they can say about the abuser and from their moral fiber they need to help in the healing without full admittance of what was done. If the abuser did not have a history they said they would not be standing up to help. We talked about how this helps to validate the truth of the abuse and gives me a sense of well being against all the naysayers who strive to discredit the abuse and the damaging effects the csa had on my life and their own culpability to triggering the past. But that is history to me, but it helps me to have this validation.

So what will I do--I will move at a slow pace, meet with the local diocese jointly with my childhood diocese to arrange the support. I will defer on meeting the bishop until I feel comfortable but when I do I will be diplomatic and let him know the destruction the church had on my life and maybe his words will help to bring closure to this sad part of my history. Will I return to the church I do not know but the compassion I have experienced from the parish priest to the two diocese may be a sign that the schism can be healed. But this is down the road.

Thank you, I read your post before the meeting and I knew you were right--I own it. I just needed to talk about it with the group. I hope you understand. Thank you and you have been a great supporter with sound thoughts and insights.

Kevin

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#443789 - 08/08/13 10:31 PM Re: Another Step In Healing Talked With Diocese [Re: victor-victim]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1446
I have decided to move forward and a meeting with the Arlington Diocese and my childhood diocese, Diocese of Bridgeport via conference is being arranged, hopefully it will take place in the next week or two. I am hopeful it will be a step to bring some closure to this sad chapter in my life and allow me to put it in a place that does not control me. I will be the one who controls the abuse and the abuser. I discussed this with my T today and I told him the importance is to let the church know I was one of the children who suffered and the memories and effects of the days in the cellar and rectory will be with me until I die, I will never be totally free. But no longer will the abuse or abuser control me. Any financial support is incidental because money does not heal, it is confronting the past and the institution that wreaked havoc on my entire life that will allow me to heal and bring a sense of closure. I can begin to live.

I have fears of the meeting, how will I be treated and I am hopeful it will be like my past experiences with them, but fear this is a new stage. I have talked with the attorney's to ensure I protect my rights and not to waiver rights if the statutes of limitations ever changes. I am trying to protect myself and not take on too much. I am also realistic to know there will not be a direct admission of what happened but for me any acknowledgement, be it healing support or financial support for healing will let me know they know what really happened in the cellar and rectory effected a child for eternity.

I have so many emotions, I cry thinking of the day to be free of what happened--his creepy hands, his body on mine, the objects that entered me as well as his body parts, what I had to do to him, the other boys and what we had to do to each other so we could leave,the fears of being taken away from my Mom and Dad if I told, my brother Brian--was he hurt by the bastard because I said I did not want it anymore and of my silence--I will never know because he lived a difficult life and left us so young. But I must move forward--I do not want to live a dissociated life anymore. I want to be in the here and now--

This is my hope from these meetings and the future meeting with the new Bishop, at their request, to hear his generic I am sorry and to ask for my forgiveness--but that latter may not happen. But it will be my decision. No longer will he control, I will control what happens.

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#445499 - 08/26/13 12:35 PM Re: Another Step In Healing Talked With Diocese [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1446
I want to thank those who replied and for the PM's. Your thoughts and insights have been helpful. I have continued along this path and sometime this week a meeting with the two dioceses should be finalized. I am ready to speak face to face and see their reactions. The conversations on the telephone have been positive and encouraging and I am hopefully our face to face meeting is of the same tone. For me, it is about validation and not money.

I am going in with an open mind and believe their offers of healing assistance will be there. For me, to offer help is an acknowledgement and validation of what I have experienced and suffered for a lifetime. I understand their limitations on what they can say, I accept and the offer of help is the most important element for me. It will help to bring closure to the domination the CSA had on my life. I also believe it will allow me to enter a new phase in life of finding happiness and peace.

I will let you know if the meeting(s) bring me the peace I seek.

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