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#440323 - 07/07/13 09:23 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
txb- how very proud I am of you for being able to post your feelings and share what is going on. I think it is great that you have placed yourself in therapy. You probably don't realize, but it is the BEST thing you could have done for yourself. You are avoiding a kathousand heartaches and wisely investing in you and your future. Continue forth, my man. It's worth the effort.

What happened to you with the family friend is, regrettably, something that has happened to all of us. Actually, your posting brought a memory to the forefront for me. One long since buried. I thought I had done the first "formal sex act" when I was a young teen in a different place, but it actually was in my bedroom-scenario I will avoid- with family members and friends all about for a family celebration just on the other side of the door. hmmmmm......

As far as the anger goes, let it come, my man. Don't be afraid of it. I have spent so many years avoiding it, that I can only hold to it for an instant it seems and then it dissipates. But its good. You have a right to be angry. Just cause to be upset and disappointed. Access to you should not have been available and this piece of "bad stuff'- ha, I avoided a bad word- needs... well, .... it just upsets me for you. For all of us. We can always get so angry for others, protective even. And as far as the sad days go, I have them all the time. I think its normal and I think its a part of grieving for what was lost. You sound normal to me!

He took a lot of who you were with him that night. He didn't have the right to do that, but he did. You changed. He changed you. But no, my friend, he should not have murdered you that night. It was bad. It has been bad. And you will have bad times ahead. But he should not have murdered you. Its a fair thought you had- but we can't let you believe that. Try real hard not to think that way... Promise?

I joined MS in January of this year, a few weeks before you. And I can tell you, honestly, it has saved my sanity, my spirit, and yeah... maybe even my life.

Each morning when you awaken, try to look around and you will see good in your life. Its there. Your life can still be rich and full and powerful.... you're already headed in that direction with acknowledging the past and the hurt done, seeking the counseling, and beginning to deal with the abuse. And as you progress and post and move forward, oh man, you are going to find such an abundance of who you are!!!

You will claim the control over this. One day, this man will have diminished control. Give it time- things get easier. Some of us have waited decades to begin to honestly heal, to honestly claim the reality of what happened. So truly, we are all walking the road together.

Hey, glad you are here.... sharing, healing, lifting up, being lifted up. It's a good place.

bill
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#440328 - 07/07/13 09:49 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 755
Loc: Southeast USA
txb,

I'm late to the party, but I also think you have made a huge step by talking about this. I relate to many of the things you mentioned in your first post. Everybody's journey toward healing is different, but if you read enough of our experiences, you no doubt have discovered that there are certain common themes.

When I first came to MS, I was angry. I was pissed at the perp. I was angry with my parents. I was angry with the camp administrators. I wished so many times my parents could read my mind and just know what happened. They didn't read my mind and I held it against them. It's illogical, but CSA is illogical and poisonous.

Like you, I started a new school that did not agree with me. I acted out and also got hit with an ADHD evaluation---one that turned up a true case of the syndrome. I was still pissed no one asked about CSA. In hindsight, that asked a lot of those around who were distracted with their own problems.

LIke you, I sometimes let the anger go and just felt sad about the lost kid. My T said that was a normal and necessary part of the mourning process.
Early on after you joined MS, you commented on my old skateboard. You also mentioned that you liked to journal. I encourage you to continue that.

As someone who has been tackling this for a while now, things have gotten better. It hasn't been easy and there are great advances, setbacks, and stalemates. It's okay. It's normal. You are taking the steps you need to take. I applaud your resolve to conquer this. You CAN do it.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#440334 - 07/07/13 10:55 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hey, txb -

Originally Posted By: txb
I joined MS in February, though Iíd been reading the boards for a couple of months before that. When I joined I thought I could NEVER EVER talk about what happened to me. I could hardly even write about it. Well, finally I managed to write a pretty full account Ė of just one incident, but still, itís a start.


i'm glad you are still here and becoming more active and more open and willing to tell your story. that is a good sign.

Originally Posted By: txb
I started therapy 4 weeks ago, and this week I took what Iíd written and actually talked about it. So I suppose I just wanted to post this as a good thing, in case anyone else thought they could never talk about it. Maybe you can do it after all.


dude - that is great news - and also wonderful to see some of you younger guys encouraging others. i wish i had done what you are doing - facing it - getting support - talking about it - seeing a T at your age. you have a lot of better years ahead of you!

Originally Posted By: txb
Right after I talked about it I mostly felt angry.


actually that is a very healthy response - let it out - like draining an infected wound.

Originally Posted By: txb
He came into my room and did this to me in my house when people who cared about me were just through the wall. I felt angry about that a lot before, but never this insanely murderously angry. I felt angry on behalf of my dad and everyone else who he managed to trick that he was this really nice friendly guy.


yep - it was a violation on so many levels - not only of your body, emotions and psyche - but pf the family unit, future relationships, etc....

Originally Posted By: txb
I was angry for the first time about how he made me think it was MY fault. He made me think I was the one who would be in trouble. He ripped away everything I thought I knew about the world and myself.


i think that is one of the most harmful effects - making us doubt everything and believe their lies. my T had me write a list of "Lies i have believed" as a result of the CSA - and it was pretty lengthy. one i could name them and see them in black and white, it was much easier to realize the falseness of it all and to reject them. and start to replace them with truth.

Originally Posted By: txb
But now I just feel sad. And I think thatís worse than angry.


on the contrary - it is important to feel that sadness to recognize and mourn the loss. it is part of the process of healing - though not fun - a step to beyond...

Originally Posted By: txb
... I still feel guilty about it. I'm tired of all the guilt I have about things that weren't even my fault.


i recognize that feeling too - but it is a false guilt - associated with the shame - and like the event itself - the guilt and shame are not your fault - they don't belong to you - give them back to the one who forced them on you.

Originally Posted By: txb
Even if I do feel horrible right now, I'm glad I finally managed to at least start talking about it.


yeah - you usually do feel pretty crappy when you have to come out and say it or write it. but you will feel better later. it starts to lose its power over you. it keeps getting better the more you work at it.

well done, man!!!
lee


Edited by traveler (07/07/13 11:41 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#440399 - 07/08/13 05:29 PM !! [Re: txb]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 08:54 PM)

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#440415 - 07/08/13 07:40 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Wow, thanks for the crazy amount of responses! You guys are all so awesome. I donít really post much, not about anything serious anyway, but I read everything here. You have all helped me so much without even knowing it. Being here is what made me decide to do therapy properly. And being here has helped me understand that you canít Ďget over ití. I donít mean that in a bad way, itís a good thing really. Before I thought therapy was about making you get over it, and I was really resistant about it because I couldnít imagine myself ever being ok with what happened. I just donít think that can happen, though last year I watched this interview with Billy Connolly where he talked about being abused by his dad and he was saying heíd forgiven him and that he didnít blame him so obviously it can happen for some people. But forgiving is not really for me. Anyway, now I know that therapy isnít about that.

Sometimes itís really annoying when someone says ďif I can do it then anyone can do itĒ. Usually I think, yeah anyone except me. Iím still the same person who thinks they canít talk about it, except now I have. Somehow. I didnít get superhuman powers or anything. Iíve been working on the writing part for probably more than a year now. The writing part of ONE incident. Itís going to take me forever if Iím going this slow. But slow progress is better than none at all.

The other friend of my dadís that I feel guilty about disappointing, I am going to talk to him as soon as I can and explain what happened so I can get rid of my guilt. Though I need to come up with a nice way of saying ďI couldnít go in case you turned out to be a pedoĒ. Iím 90% sure he probably doesnít even remember this incident. And if he does Iím 99% sure he isnít holding any grudge against me about it. I already know what heís going to say but I still feel like I need to explain myself. And I need to explain some stuff to my dad, but that will be harder.

Thanks so much for all the encouragement.

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#440450 - 07/09/13 10:29 AM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Quote:
I need to come up with a nice way of saying ďI couldnít go in case you turned out to be a pedoĒ.


One possible approach:

"That criminal really hurt my ability to trust. If GOD had asked me to go on a road trip I probably wouldn't have been able to trust him enough to say yes. It's something I've been working on more recently but I just couldn't have done it then. But I can tell you're a good guy because you wanted to include me in something fun and normal. Thanks; I wish I'd gone."
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#440494 - 07/09/13 06:18 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1146
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: txb

Iíve been working on the writing part for probably more than a year now. The writing part of ONE incident. Itís going to take me forever if Iím going this slow. But slow progress is better than none at all.


Hi TXB. And now, you have written about it, which is a huge accomplishment and something you can use as a foundation for your healing process going forward. I think the more you do this the easier it will become and the quicker these things will come out. Either way you are steadfastly on the right track.

By the way, does this friend of your father's, (the good one), have any idea what happened to you? If so, I figure telling him what happened will probably be a lot easier than if he doesn't already know. Either way, I think you can do it if you want to. Don't feel guilty about not going with him either. You really weren't being rude or ungrateful. You were just doing what you needed to do to keep yourself safe, and that's ok. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#441206 - 07/17/13 09:30 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Hey TXB

Forgiving is not letting the perp off the hook, he can rot in jail or wherever his is. Forgiving is letting go of him so that he does not control your life, thoughts and feelings anymore. It lets you work on the abuse and not worry about the perp.

If I may say I have been hiding my shit for over 40 years. I thought I would never tell anyone and I would take it all to my grave. But that didn't happen. I started therapy for the first time a year ago January. I keep telling my T that I can't tell my story etc. But he tells me no I have come a long way simply because I am opening up. He told me I opened up the the guys her on MS, I told my wife I even told him more detail about my childhood that he knows everything that happened and even the disgusting details that I thought I would never tell. So he told me that I made a lot of progress so far. I had to sit and think about what he said but I see he's correct in that I have made progress, I have opened up.

For you writing your stuff you're 100% correct that no matter how slow you write up that incident it is progress. I never thought 2 years ago I would be telling things that happened to me and the things I did. I'm still very careful of telling what I did but I see that one day I will be totally open about most of my shit.

The explaining to your dad's friend and your dad is the result of your healing. You don't have to explain it that they should understand but that you should be able to talk to them and being able to dump the guilt part.

You head is in the right place and on the right path. I hope I can get to the point you are now. I'm still in hiding but slowly I'm able to release my burden even it it's like you said slow progress is also OK.

Quote:
Thanks so much for all the encouragement.
Thank you for the moral boost. You show and help everyone with your positive attitude and outlook on your healing progress.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#441914 - 07/23/13 06:16 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Jeff, thanks for the extra encouragement. I always felt discouraged about how slow I was going, but really, I am making progress so I should be glad. I suppose once you start it gets easier to talk about more things. Iíve been away so Iíve skipped a week of therapy. Iím really not sure what Iím going to talk about next time I go. (which is Friday) I donít really feel like I have the same.... whatever the word is, about talking about it. Maybe itíll take me a couple of weeks to get back into it.

I wanted to update about talking to my dadís friend. I did that before I went away last week. Unfortunately my dad was there while I spoke to him, but it was ok really. They both said I had nothing to feel guilty about. I just wanted the chance to explain really, and I did that. So I feel better. Quite a lot better actually. But then he was like, hey we should go to make up for last time. Gah. Itís not really something I want to do now, but I felt like I had to say yes. Seems like every time I try to make up for feeling guilty it backfires on me. But maybe heíll forget about going.

10 minutes ago I gave the whole incident I wrote out to my dad to read. Iím kind of panic attacking about it now. I really should have edited it or just gave him the relevant page. But itís really important. Itís part of me un-guilting myself. It would take too long to explain, but basically I feel guilty about him feeling guilty about something he shouldnít feel guilty about. If that makes any sense. So I need him to read this thing. (I'm probably going to fake I'm asleep now). But my list of people I need to explain things to to get rid of some pointless guilt is getting smaller. I suppose that is progress too.

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#441939 - 07/23/13 09:19 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Hey TXB,

I definitely think that the fact that your list is getting smaller about who you think you have to tell is really great progress. I'm trying to sort of making a list of who really has to know about my past. I would like to be free to be able to tell the world of my past but does everyone have to know? No, just try and make that list short and to the point of who you would "like" to tell. Here we are all brothers and share the same issues more or less.

I wrote my T Monday after our session and I was fucked up talking about the details of being held underwater in the bathtub just till I would drown. That was all being filmed. I asked him if he wants to know all the details of what went on with me. He simply said we talk about what's on my mind or I can talk about my timeline that I'm writing up. I noticed that once I opened up with some stuff other stuff followed. He just told me I had to be comfortable about what I tell him, he doesn't want me to be in a bad state after our sessions. So next week I'm going to start talking about what I wrote in my timeline and how I can't get past what happened to me with those guys making movies of me and how bad I was treated.

But the fact that I opened up to certain people and that I can talk about it here on MS is progress.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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