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#44052 - 12/21/03 04:50 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Brian
reading all that made me laugh, great lists. You've got way too much time on your hands ! ;\)

And it does show that we try very hard to disguise masturbation as something else - why ?

All the different names we use are just ways to "minimize" the guilt that has become associated with it.
And there's no reason at all to be guilty or ashamed of "cranking one off" ( not on the list I notice ) if it's being done for normal relief or even pleasure.
Pleasure is good for heavens sake !

I know that I get the urge when I'm a bit tense before I do something 'special' - even something like a good night night out where I fully expect to enjoy myself with friends.
I think it's a release of the tension I feel at not making a fool of myself in front of friends, getting there on time, remembering to take something I've been asked to take etc.

And I'd have to say that I feel that's a normal enough thing, quite possibly someone with biological knowledge would say the tension naturally raises certain chemicals in the body that trigger the urge, maybe not - but that's the way it feels to me.

It's the masturbation from past triggers, the 'acting out' masturbation that bothers me though.
I can feel the same triggers and unstoppable urges at work, the ones that made me act out with other guys. And I don't want those.

The hard part is seperating a good "Shakin' hands with MrHappy" from a bad "Knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump"

The difference is in the mind, and it's easy to get the two confused.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#44053 - 12/21/03 04:56 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
strongheart Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/03
Posts: 4
Loc: barrie, ontario, canada
WOW! That's quite a list there Brian-Z.

Compulsive masturbation. Yes. I, too, used to struggle with this. Yes, that's right, used to. I read an excellent book a few years ago that helped me a great deal. I don't remember the authors name, but the title is "The Centerfold Syndrome." I came across it because I used to constantly check women out. I would go out of my way to watch them, particularly if they had a "nice ass". I was obsessed. I would hang out at shopping malls for hours and hours, looking for that "10-for-an-ass". When I finally realized that this behavior wasn't acceptable to me anymore, I found this book. It taught me a great deal. An excellent book for "us".

One thing that I would like to add. My 'pen' name, StrongHeart, has implications other than the obvious.

I am half native indian. The StrongHearts were a group of chiefs who stopped fighting each other to form a much feared band of warriors who fought the invasion of white men back in the 1800's. I tell people all the time that I'm a spiritual person, not a religious person. I believe very strongly that when my life gets a little out of control, that's it's time to exercise my spirituality. Natives have always believed in the power of "mother earth". We have a great deal of respect for nature and the planet. I make my connection with earth on a daily basis now. I go away from any man-made sounds. (cars, machinery, etc) I just go into nature and be silent. I listen to the wind, the sound of waves on a shore, birds, anything that is not a man-made sound is the sound of the great spirit known as earth. Connect with earth, and it will ground you. It has gotten me through some very difficult times. When I feel a great compulsion to use drugs or alcohol to get me through, I connect with nature, and it works everytime. I also used this for my constant mastubation. It is just practically impossible to sexualize nature. (unless you have a strong urge to screw a tree.) \:\)

_________________________
go safe, go well

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#44054 - 12/21/03 05:06 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
well if the tree is up for it, I don't see the downside, well maybe the splinters.


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#44055 - 12/21/03 10:27 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Brian:
I am humbled by your list. I'm going to save it for the next time I do a sex ed program for adolescents.

One of my favorites that's not on this list is from a friend of mine who went to college in Lynchburg, VA. They used to call it "thumbing to Baltimore" (an old reference to hitchhiking when the walker would motion back and forth with thumb extended.) Maybe you had to be there.

Thanks for the chuckles.

But my point was that male masturbation has more violent/aggressive verbs to describe the act than female masturbation... even with the extensive list you provided.

Ken


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#44056 - 12/22/03 02:10 AM Re: Compulsive masturbation
josephd Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/03
Posts: 23
Loc: US
Personally, I think maybe there is some truth to this... but for me, it's just low on my priority list in my recovery.

I think this issue can be different if you're in a serious relationship with issues around sex... as did happen in my previous relationship and did become a very serious, hurtful problem for my partner.

But I think as survivors, there are so many other things to get through before you get to the point of addressing masturbation... I don't think we need another thing on our huge list, you know? Not to say that you shouldn't if it is a problem, I personally just think that you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, pun intended ;\)

_________________________
"We will either find a way or make one."

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#44057 - 12/22/03 10:45 AM Re: Compulsive masturbation
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
People are going to hate me for this (because it's true) ;\)

You can mix almost any combination of verb and noun and come up with a euphemism for masturbation. Try it!

Buttering the bread
Folding the laundry
Programming the VCR
Defragging the hard drive

And so on.

It's that ubiquitous.

Ok 2nd part.

As for the more... active names we give our little habit, look at the mechanics of the sex act in general. Un less you're in a pornographic movie one person is doing all the work, and we know who that is. So it stands to reason that we would use... more colorful euphemisms.

Now, if you will excuse me I'm going to go let the cat out (see what I mean.)

Brian.


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#44058 - 12/22/03 11:17 AM Re: Compulsive masturbation
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Well, I just had to add my two cents...I masturbate almost daily. If I don't on a particular day, it's because I'm hoping my wife might be interested in a little activity that would make the 'end result', not to mention the beginning and middle, much more pleasurable. I enjoy the release. Sometimes I use the release to help me sleep, other times to releive sexual tension, sometimes to releive non-sexual tension. There are times when disturbing images come into play. When that happens I either lose my enthusiasm for the task at hand, or I conjur other, pleasant (sometimes kinky) images and work the job to completion. I also use porn, sometimes gay or bi, usually in the form of written word as pics just don't have as much impact. My wife is aware that I masturbate frequently (and that I use porn), it doesn't bother her. I think she views it as a substitute for the real thing as much as I do and welcomes the relief of any pressure on her to join me in the process, so to speak. I also believe, because I've read it numerous times, that ejaculating is the only way we can exercise our prostates. And regular exercise of the prostate can help to avoid cancer of the same (medial professionals, please advise if I am wrong). Not to mention it keeps my forearms and biceps well defined. I have many friends, mostly married, who have not experienced any type of SA who also admit to taking on this task on a near daily basis. So masturbation does not necessarily signal that there is something wrong, it may be that some of us are as hormonal as we were when we were 18 years old, I know I feel that way. But certainly, if you see that it creates issues for you, you should try to figure that out. Today's plan was to 'pick up the Christmas goose', but, since my wife is leaving work early today and we will have an hour or so of private time, maybe I'll shop by myself tomorrow and spend the afternoon with her. Peace.


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#44059 - 12/22/03 01:07 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
zoltin Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
Great thread! Brian-z, what a list. Let me try a couple:

Cleaning the pool
Lighting the candle

You're right, Brian.

I will continue to grapple with this issue, I imagine. I am going to look for "Centerfold Syndrome" and try some earth centering next time I feel the urge to worry the wizard. I too feel Earth-centered in my spirit.

Thanks, guys
RickB


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#44060 - 12/22/03 06:01 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Guys,

Unfortunately, whether by choice, design, abuse, or simply a screwed-up view of sex, masturbation has been a focal point of my sex life.

Yes, it's been a release, it's been a way to cope with the abuse, it's been a way to NOT act up. Most of the time, I've felt furtive and ashamed about it. Not the act, but the mind images that have come with it.

A couple of things has happened to turn that around.

One: Because I've been dealing with the abuse that I've denied for so long, the compulsion has become less (although, the inappropriate places I've gotten the urge, say at work or anyplace that doesn't afford privacy, has increased a little!). Perhaps because I'm working through my issues and the NEED to deal with disturbing fantasies in a harmless way has affected this.

Two: The fantasies have become more "wholesome." By that, involving people I actually care about and would LIKE to have caring sex with. No, I haven't acted on them either (performance anxiety, anyone?), but the fact that I'm associating sex with romance, with actual love, that's a shift. That's progress, I think!

Now, about that "performance anxiety" thing....

By the way, Brian, laughed my considerable @$$ off at your euphamisms concerning the singular act! Brought back some locker room memories, I've gotta tell ya. Including (which you may or may have had, I forget) "Bopping my baloney!"

And, I noticed you had several "Star Wars" related terms. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............. :rolleyes: \:D

Thanks for encouraging my behavior, brothers!

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#44061 - 12/23/03 04:18 PM Re: Compulsive masturbation
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I know that the compulsion I experience is going to be dealt with one way or another in therapy at some point.

I am not pushing it at this time just because there is so much to deal with anyway.

I wish I had more of a sense of humor about it but my fantasies have so focused on "reliving" the abuse, that I can only take it seriously.

I have noticed a slight change as my feelings about the child I was shift from anger and hate to nurture and love.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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