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#440274 - 07/07/13 11:34 AM Finally!
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 215
I joined MS in February, though Iíd been reading the boards for a couple of months before that. When I joined I thought I could NEVER EVER talk about what happened to me. I could hardly even write about it. Well, finally I managed to write a pretty full account Ė of just one incident, but still, itís a start. I started therapy 4 weeks ago, and this week I took what Iíd written and actually talked about it. So I suppose I just wanted to post this as a good thing, in case anyone else thought they could never talk about it. Maybe you can do it after all.

Right after I talked about it I mostly felt angry. He came into my room and did this to me in my house when people who cared about me were just through the wall. I felt angry about that a lot before, but never this insanely murderously angry. I felt angry on behalf of my dad and everyone else who he managed to trick that he was this really nice friendly guy. I was angry for the first time about how he made me think it was MY fault. He made me think I was the one who would be in trouble. He ripped away everything I thought I knew about the world and myself.

But now I just feel sad. And I think thatís worse than angry. He might as well have just murdered me. I just remember how alone and isolated I felt after that. My best friend from school had just moved away before this happened, but there wasnít really anything to stop me from making new friends. I was already a bit weird but no one really disliked me. But he ruined any chance I had to make friends. Later I moved schools and they really did dislike me there, but anyway, I just feel really sad about how it affected everything. Like my relationship with my dad. And everyone else. About 6 months after this started I remember one of my dadís friends came over late one night and asked if I wanted to go to this theme park. It was pretty far away so it was going to be like a 2 day trip kind of thing. I guess he probably wanted to go himself. My dad said I could go but I didnít want to. And they couldnít understand why I wouldnít want to go. (I couldnít trust anyone anymore, and I had other stuff going on with me that made me not want to be away from home for very long). His friend seemed really disappointed. I bet he doesnít even remember it anymore, but I have to remember it and I still feel guilty about it. I'm tired of all the guilt I have about things that weren't even my fault.

Even if I do feel horrible right now, I'm glad I finally managed to at least start talking about it.

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#440276 - 07/07/13 12:33 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1137
Loc: The ATL

Whats up TXB? Man, I am deeply sorry for what your dad's friend did to you and for how you're feeling now but I'm very happy for you and proud of you that you've finally been able to get some of this out in the open. It's such a huge step and it's so important. Feeling all that hurt and anger is ok and is normal in your situation. You need to feel those feelings and let them out as much as possible instead of keeping them all bottled up inside. When these things are kept bottled up and left to fester under the surface they are a lot more likely to destroy a person. That doesn't have to be the case. You probably will never be able to "get over" what happened to you and you may always feel some degree of anger and hurt about it but you can still rise above it. You can beat it and overcome it and it sounds to me like you've taken a huge step in that direction.

Also, please don't say that "he might as well have just murdered you." I know it can feel that way but it's not true. You are alive and you are smart and thoughtful and you still have the ability to affect the world and the people around you in positive ways. He didn't take that from you and he couldn't have. Hang in there and keep on sharing. We are all here for you. Peace,

Ken

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#440277 - 07/07/13 12:33 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 225
Loc: California
txb,

I remember you talking about your negative feelings about your first T session. Glad to see you gave it another chance and started talking about things. It is so hard to get that first sharing out to a T, moving past silence. That is such a big hurdle to jump. Congrats.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I do the same thing, bouncing between anger, sadness, etc. It is the ride we are all on here. But, it is good to at least feel something, rather than be flat and emotionless. That is the worst, I think.

Great job on taking a huge step.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#440278 - 07/07/13 12:49 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 334
Loc: Iowa, USA
Txb,

You've taken a big step in talking about it and posting it here. You are not alone and many guys here can relate to your story. The myriad of emotions you are feeling are typical in the recovery process. Take it at your speed - you are the best judge of how much you can talk about. MS is a great place for support, and don't be afraid to turn to the guys here for support. The best of luck to you during your healing.

DavO

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#440281 - 07/07/13 01:10 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:20 PM)

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#440313 - 07/07/13 07:22 PM . [Re: txb]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#440314 - 07/07/13 08:01 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 601
txb,

It takes courage and strength to be able to communicate what has happened to you to others in words, and this is exactly what you've done. Hats off to you. I'm sure there are many who were in the situation you were in, not being able to talk about their abuse - but your case will be an example they will look up to. You express yourself very well, and that is a huge plus; from your posts so far I can also tell that you're brave and smart, and the fact that you've also taken the initiative to start dealing with your own problems in therapy and outside is something you should be proud of.

Your feelings must be intense, now that the barrier has been broken. It'll be tough, but you will get through. Anger is a natural to what you've experienced. This should not have happened to you, you did not deserve it. Your dad should've protected you. Your abuser holds all of the responsibility, and with him lies the guilt of having ripped away your innocence and ability to trust. It makes me cringe to know horribly sad at the moment, but please remember, there are guys on here who can relate to and understand your pain, and help lift you up. Granted, the pain and sadness do not go away forever, but they do become less intense and less frequent, enough for you to find the time and the emotional space to live a meaningful and healthy life.

If I may add my two cents here about the future - it will be bumpy, but I can guarantee there will undeniably be better times ahead of you. You do not have to learn to trust anyone and everyone - that would be simply silly - but there will come those who DESERVE your trust, who respect your boundaries, and who understand you. MS is a great place to start.

Again, I'm proud of you for the steps you've taken. Hang on, I believe in you. It'll get better.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

Growing up isn't about losing innocence - it's about learning how to keep it in a cold and unforgiving world.

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#440317 - 07/07/13 08:54 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Quote:
When I joined I thought I could NEVER EVER talk about what happened to me. I could hardly even write about it.


I remember you saying that practically verbatim.

This is a tremendous achievement you've made: summoning the strength for a narrative requires looking right into the depth of the crime, verbalizing it, and framing it with a beginning and an end. Even if it was just the first incident, you built a doorframe around it and it fits perfectly. You did that.

All of the emotions you are feeling are normal and - though it's obvious it comes with great pain - it is a joy to see the SHIFT in emotions now available to you as the story starts to come under your control. You SHOULD be angrier than ever at the full magnitude of the perp's cruelty, lies, and arrogance: the false blame he'd puked and pissed onto you now has to go sonewhere and you can hurl it at him right where it belongs. You SHOULD be sadder than before: the fading of self-blame brings a greater realization of how innocent and defenseless you were. There is a process of grieving for who you were / could have been - but it ends with acceptance and better comfort and optimism for the life still available to you.

Keep verbalizing all of these feelings with your T - together you will be able to work through them. I'm sure of it.

Loved that sentence about how "I thought I couldn't tell but I did, so if anyone else feels the same way, you can too." I'm so proud and choked up having read you say that. Because, yeah, I remember what you said when you first came here.... and now you're all like "here's the progress I'm making, maybe it can help other people." I wonder if you even realize what an amazing step that is.

You're a winner. And this is just the beginning of it getting better.

(Oh and I'm pretty sure I didn't detail my CSA until AT LEAST the fourth session - both because you have to establish trust first and because my acute symptoms - insomnia, hyperpanic, self-destructive thoughts - needed to be managed more urgently).


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#440320 - 07/07/13 08:58 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1444
Hi, TXB -

There is much in what you have written that I can relate to - the way that CSA infiltrates everything like a toxin, poisoning friendships, family and trust. I remember losing the ability to even trust my closest friend (who was not my perp). Years later, we talked about that and he was teary-eyed, telling me I had nothing to worry about. And of course I didn't. But just hearing him say that was so healing - albeit years too late.

If that doesn't say everything about how toxic this stuff is to everything we know and love, I don't know what does.

The antidote? Just talking about it. And having professional guidance and therapy for sure. But sharing as we do here has a real place in healing. We all have your back, TXB.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#440321 - 07/07/13 09:07 PM Re: Finally! [Re: txb]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1235
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: txb
.....
Even if I do feel horrible right now, I'm glad I finally managed to at least start talking about it.

Hey TXB,

It's great that you're here even though the circumstances that brought you here suck. To be able to write about an experience and even look for therapy sure makes me feel guilty That I wasn't able to do it for around 40+ years. I fucked up my whole life hiding what your first opening up to. I think that's really great. It's not easy to talk about stuff when it brings on really bad feelings.

It sounds like you got your feel solidly on the ground and you know where your going. Sure did a hell of a lot better than me.

I think that you did really great about writing down about what happened and then were even able to talk about it with your T. I couldn't even think about my shit and when I finally got a T I clammed up totally not able to talk to him. Sort of had him pulling chicken's teeth. One thing I do and have had pretty good success with is making a timeline of what went on in your childhood. This way if you remember something you add it to the proper place in your timeline. You actually see how shit evolves.

Anyway you look at it your on the right track. It's not easy but being able to be open about your stuff is a huge step and a huge beginning to heal and have a great future. You sound so positive about getting past your shit. I wish you all the magic in the world to pull that off. It will happen.

Feel free to PM me anytime for anything. You came to the right place with some of the greatest guys in the world. They are willing to put out for a fellow survivor. I'm glad you feel glad about opening up.

Thanks I needed a pick me up from my down day.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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