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#440058 - 07/04/13 03:12 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1412
Loc: California
C. Husky,

You're going to be okay. You have brothers here that know and understand your quandary and angst at life. You're safe here.

D
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#440151 - 07/05/13 06:18 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 591
Thanks for the support, guys. Especially the ones who replied...I really appreciate it.

A little update - like the countless previous times I spoke with my mother, I got shitted on for four hours straight today, and am in the process of getting drunk while I write down a list of things she said and am trying to process it all. She's only here for five more days, it should be a blast.

The most level-headed thing I can say at the moment is, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done on my character. It feels like I know a lot in my head about 'dealing' but applying it in real-life situations, like meeting your perpetrator who thinks nothing of treating you as an emotional dump for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours on end...especially trying to defend yourself in a second language, is not that easy. I'm probably going to be really embarrassed when I read this tomorrow but screw it. I love you guys. Off to do some more writing (and drinking).
_________________________
Husky

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#440174 - 07/05/13 10:42 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
Hi Husky,

I read your poem "My Story" and I am blown away by it. I can't imagine the horrible things that were done to you. I am also blown away by your eloquence in telling the story. Every line rings true, all of your anger, pain, and confusion comes through, loud and clear. I recognize them all in my life, through your words.

Here again, even under duress, you share in such an open and direct manner. It must be so difficult to spend time with the perpetrator of the crimes against you. I'm very sorry you must do it.

I believe in you. Your words give me insight and strength. I think that to give these things to others, one must have them oneself. I bet you do. Good luck Husky.
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#440207 - 07/06/13 08:56 AM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 591
GT, your kind words put a lump in my throat. I wish I could cry, but I can't, not just yet. I will endure. Thank you for your post...your words will stick with me.
_________________________
Husky

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#440223 - 07/06/13 01:54 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Hi Husky

The simple fact for me was that I could not confront my parents in a manner which would allow me to live (my confrontation that I wanted to perform was to kill them). I certainly wasn't going to be honest with them.

You have your goals, is being honest with your mother more valuable than achieving your goals? There are strategies to learn to reduce the level of abuse and manipulation that you need to accept. But, learning and developing new strategies in the middle of harassment is absurd.

I am sorry that you need to get drunk to cope, but that is how I coped for 27 years so it may become an unnecessary coping mechanism as it has for me.

The idea that being dishonest is a sign of moral decay, is a very rigid standard.
Honesty without compassion is just another form of abuse.

She is not someone you can be honest with and compassionate. A) she would be too defensive; B) you have little compassion for her.

Sorry you have such limited choices. But, you have goals that are where you investing your life today. I hope reaching your goals is the reward you are looking for

Go with God

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#440227 - 07/06/13 02:26 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:20 PM)

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#440228 - 07/06/13 02:27 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 358
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
A little update - like the countless previous times I spoke with my mother, I got shitted on for four hours straight today, and am in the process of getting drunk while I write down a list of things she said and am trying to process it all.


Husky: One suggestion--write first, process later. Writing can help you look back at a later point from a safer distance.

Originally Posted By: concerned_husky

The most level-headed thing I can say at the moment is, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done on my character. It feels like I know a lot in my head about 'dealing' but applying it in real-life situations, like meeting your perpetrator who thinks nothing of treating you as an emotional dump for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours on end...especially trying to defend yourself in a second language, is not that easy.


Taking a moment from my own experience, simply being in the same room may not be easy. Try not to focus on what you are doing wrong, but as much as you can, on what is really happening.

Originally Posted By: concerned_husky

I'm probably going to be really embarrassed when I read this tomorrow but screw it.


You may be, but what about other feelings that haven't been able to breathe the light of day? Hope you can give them a chance to be known too.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#440229 - 07/06/13 02:34 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1134
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky

Every time I talk to her, it's like death has swept over and extinguished the last bit of fire that was burning in my heart. It takes a while to jump-start it again, but how many more times it'll ignite I'm not sure.


Hi Husky. Don't let your mom put that fire out man. Don't let her win. Just keep doing whatever you need to do to get through this and you will come out the other side. Eventually, you'll be free and it will all be worth it.

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Perps have no privileges. I don't think it even counts as a lie if you lie to them because they aren't entitled to your true self. If what you need from your mother is money, then mime your kabuki dance to make her pay up like a good mark and deny her your true self that she hurt so badly.

Just try to keep the lying "situational" - don't let it become a way of life.


I completely, 100% agree with this! Like I said, just do what ever it is you need to do to gain your freedom from her. If that involves lying and telling her what she wants to hear so you can continue to get the financial support you need, fine. She used and abused you, why should you not return the favor? As far as I'm concerned, your conscience should be clear. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#440231 - 07/06/13 03:21 PM . [Re: concerned_husky]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#440316 - 07/07/13 08:26 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 591
Guys, thanks for the support. Sorry I didn't reply earlier, but I had read your replies and tried to integrate them into my interactions with her.

Update - good news is, if drinking was a measure of how well I was handling the situation, I haven't had a single sip tonight. The first day was the toughest for sure, and it had been about 7 months since I had last seen her - I had largely forgotten about what to expect (which, is probably I spent 7 months ignoring her in the first place); the second day, I drank only a little to unwind, and today I'm sitting here typing (what I hope to be) a pretty level-headed reply. I hope I can keep this up until Wednesday, when she leaves.

I'm going to go on a little monologue here, but bear with me. The biggest discovery I've made, I guess, is that talking to her is like talking to a really stupid immature 5-year-old girl. It is hard not to age-regress myself, and it is hard to refrain from (as Lancer would say) going Spock on her. Age-regressing gives her power; going Spock makes her defensive. She doesn't yield or compromise, and has intense needs for control/power/perfection, not to mention affection and gratitude from me, which often sends me to the border of insanity because a part of me despises her. Obviously. I guess my greatest disadvantage now is that by in large, I understand why she does this, having come from a very abusive childhood herself (though she has by in large idealized her abusive parents - she gets incredibly defensive when I criticize my grandmother for not having given her enough affection and love). I understand, therefore, I...enable? That sounds stupid. But...it's exactly what I'm doing - or maybe it's knowledge that I'm still powerless over the entire situation because of my financial dependency, so I avoid conflict by acting, lying, complying, obeying etc. You see, if I tell her the truth - what I think, what I believe, what I want, what I feel - if she had to, she would dig the earth down to its core, just not giving a damn about burning up in flames in all, then dig some more and come out the other side if she had to, if it meant she could stomp out my will. With a shovel. Put simply, it's better I don't exist. Or pretend to, at least. I guess it's a sort of diplomacy I've come to accept when meeting her - I show no vulnerability, I show no weaknesses, I do not open up, I do not talk. Funnily enough, when she mocks me, deflecting the conversation or simply just ignoring her works wonders. If one doesn't work, I tend to keep swapping between the two until she shuts up, and it generally works. Like...dealing with an annoying kid. But unfortunately, unlike a kid, she has power, so that changes the ballgame a bit.

Sorry about all the rambling, but I really needed to get some things off my chest. I know all of this sounds petty compared to some of the crap others are going through. Sorry. Bottom line, don't drop to her level, and keep in mind the goal of independence. There are some good things I've been doing. I lie to her I need to study and practice, so I've been limiting the time I see her to about two to three (f*@#ing long) hours a day. This keeps me relatively sane. I let her in my apartment once so she could clean it (she has a profound need to 'mother' me, as in, infantilize me, and also OCD with cleanliness - it is so clean here now, when she first left I had this urge to simply...nevermind) - but I haven't let her back in since. She asked to stay the night here but she got a firm 'no'. I felt guilty kicking her out, and I feel stupid for feeling guilty for kicking her out, but my logic won out on me this time. She says she misses me, that a mother should be able to stay in her son's apartment, that she feels lonely, etc. Text-book guilt-tripping. I usually start talking about weather then. At dinners I do not disclose my own plans, goals or desires with my future. I don't talk about me either (she has no idea I flew to the States and did a massive road-trip a few weeks ago). Fact she's still here kind of sucks, but I'm doing a better job in dealing with it. There is still one little problem - every time she shows me physical affection (holding my hands or touching my arms) I just...uh...let it happen. And I go through a few seconds of wanting to puke and then move away. And she wonders why I'm doing that. There must be better solutions to this than seeing her tomorrow in a spacesuit, those things cost a lot I think. I'll think of something.

Thanks for your time guys.


Edited by concerned_husky (07/07/13 08:42 PM)
_________________________
Husky

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