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#440166 - 07/05/13 08:17 PM Nope!
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
I just can't attract any guys to me. After 2 dates, POOF! They're gone, and I don't know why. It's been like this for 20 years now.

I give up. I'm going to be a lonely man until I die.

Thanks for the curse, life! Really .. THANKS!
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440224 - 07/06/13 01:58 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:14 PM)

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#440558 - 07/10/13 11:06 AM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thank you Geoff,

I appreciate your sentiment, and I agree with you - my best chances at love are to come to a place of unconditional love / compassion for others. Which I'm working very hard at (and getting pretty good at!).

I've been in therapy almost 20 years and that has given me a ton of self awareness. Since starting to address CSA recovery stuff 2.5 years ago, a ton of new self awareness (profound!!) has been given to me.

At this point, I can see that I really don't have much in common with another person by way of romance and intimate love. I can't see it happening in my life at all. Nothing clicks. 20 years of failures. Yes, much of that in the midst of self loathing and anger of being alive.

But I've made significant inroads in this in the last 6 months (I still struggle, but I'm progressing, finally).

The significant problem is this: I'm only attracted to younger guys. Younger guys are too immature to 'get me' emotionally and psychologically. I'm averse to guys my age and older (I'm an ageist, something I wish would change, but hasn't in 20 years). I simply can't be attracted to people older than myself (the very people who would have the wisdom and compassion to understand me). Therefore, the experience is always the same - the younger guys want to hop in the sack, and once the sex is out of the way, they're on to the next.

I can't sustain interest in someone younger than me in any real meaningful way. Once the sexual curiosity is played out - it's over. I have absolutely no skills in retaining someone's interest otherwise. I'm missing something.

I simply can't relate to people I"m sexually attracted to on a non sexual level. And I have a very difficult time relating to people I'm not sexually attracted to.

It's *SEVERELY* limiting my options. As a pragmatic approach, it seems pretty clear that it simply isn't in the cards for me. I keep hearing that relationships are largely accidental in nature, and when they work, it's by luck or chance that they met, or hit it off. My therapist repeats this to me frequently. I've never come close to anything remotely approaching any of this.

It's been painful, and its been long, and its been really depressing. I have to learn how to accept this.

Thanks again Geoff.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440601 - 07/10/13 07:57 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:30 PM)

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#440645 - 07/11/13 12:04 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Hi Geoff,

I'm not offended at all, I appreciate the time you took to write and consider on it. Beyond that, I'm not sure what more I can contribute. I've never had the experiences everyone else seems to be taking for granted.

I've never come remotely close to a real romance. It's like a dimension I can't see or experience or something. I literally have never been in love, and I literally have never had a serious boyfriend.

The longest relationship I've had was an intensely dysfunctional relationship where I was sexually pursuing my best friend who was pretty ambivalent about his sexual feelings (he's straight but can't say "no"). It was a terrible relationship, lacking romance, and filled with unfulfilled desire. The relationship was also riddled with abuse and dominance.

Miraculously, 7 years after the relationship ended, he contacted me. 6 years later we're relearning how to be friends with each other and with healthy boundaries. I'm glad for that.

I'm not sure why I chose to share that. I guess its to demonstrate how far away I am from having ever experienced a romance. It's never appeared, and the false starts I've had all feel like mirages. I don't understand this whole 2-3 exciting dates where romance seems to be barreling down on us like a freight train where THE OTHER GUY! is driving the train, and then he just disappears.

I really don't get it. Honestly, this experience has made me feel retarded at times.



Edited by Magellan (07/11/13 10:25 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440687 - 07/11/13 10:49 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

I don't know if what I'm going to say with help any but I just wanted to throw my two cents in just in case it can help.

I'm a gay man married to a woman for 35 years. My marriage was never romantic or really sexual except to have kids. I look at my wife as a partner in life I don't look at her as a woman but a partner, and a damn good one at that. She raised our 6 children who I never got to hold because I'm fucked up. I just think that any relationship between people has to be at least a partnership and then see where it goes. No my wife doesn't know I'm gay and doesn't know about my gay friends growing up and I don't know if I will tell her but she is special with our kids and grandkids. I have none of that simply because I'm scared of kids. I would think that a partnership will precede a chance at romance. I never had a real romance. If we had to be together so she could get pregnant then the whole thing was over in 20 minutes. That's not because I don't like here but she's my partner and not my lover. We get along great together. I guess you can call this type of partnership a very strong and solid friendship.

As for why I married a woman? well in those days in the '70s you had to get married and of course it was to a woman so I really had nothing to say about it, it was prearranged by my friends who didn't know I was gay. Couldn't have kids any other way. For a single person it was very hard to adopt, almost impossible. If you were gay with or without a partner forget about adopting. So I went along with the flow and I lucked out with a very good partnership. And no I never took her dancing or anything like that, she has her things she likes to do and I have mine.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#440718 - 07/12/13 11:07 AM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thank you for sharing your experience, Jeff.

I envy you.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440741 - 07/12/13 06:27 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

don't envy me, aside from my wife and kids my life has been a waste of time. Since I fell apart 2-1/2 years ago when my shit hit the fan it's been tough sticking around. But I'm still trying to stay grounded.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#440743 - 07/12/13 08:03 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
I know your life has been difficult; I've read your story, absolutely horrified. And humbled that you carry on like a soldier. But I also envy you because you've had someone at your side, no matter what. And I envy you that you have family and people around you that love you.

I've been stripped of the family I thought I had growing up, and never created my own as I'd always dreampt of doing. Instead, I was given a ton of heart ache and loneliness. My therapist says to keep on truckin' on!
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440746 - 07/12/13 09:02 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

Yeah I feel very thankful for all I have at home. I always wanted kids that were unabused and I got that also. It's something to think about keeping me here.

I can't imagine having nothing. I had my friends that we kept each other sane in a sick business. I wish there was something that I could say about your life but it defies words. I wish I had the magic that could right all the wrongs but I fall short on that also. I think that it is my family that keeps me here. My wife knows about my past now but none of my kids do. I don't think I could live through what you have.

I'm sorry if I made you sad frown. you're better off listening to your T as opposed to me.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#440776 - 07/13/13 12:00 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
You don't need to apologize - you didn't make me sad.

I've been sad almost all of my life. The "universe" seems hell bent on destroying my spirit by torturing me with loneliness.

I've fought for 30 years now. I'm tired. The universe will likely win.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#440779 - 07/13/13 12:34 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

I think that some of us are standing on cliff's edge. Loneliness is a bad desease but I hope you can get through it. Your too down to earth to let it kill you. The universe will always win in the end, we just have to try and stay here. I'm not just saying that, it's what I have to do also and I know it's tough. I'm lonely in a different way, I never had "real" friends since I was a youth until I came here. So that's a start. On the outside in the real world I still have no "real" friends except maybe one. True I'm married and have kids and grandkids but it's like I'm looking at all that go on through a window from the snowy and cold outside into a warm and cozy inside. I never did a diaper, homework with any of my 6 kids, never held them, never played with them and worst of all I had to stay at work so I wouldn't go near them. I have been blessed with 13 grandchildren (so far) but all I can do is look at them smile and play and fight and be unabused kids. I'm afraid of my own family.

I still haven't conquered my loneliness and like you I don't know if I'll make it but we do have each other here on MS and it's a start, I hope it goes on to a better life for all of us.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#440780 - 07/13/13 01:05 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
I'm sorry to hear about your tough experiences and feeling lonely.

From my perspective, you're doing phenomenal. You're making friends here? You actually feel connected to people here? That hasn't been happening for me either. I can't connect to ANYONE. In spite of the difficulties you describe, I find it amazing that you have children and grand children and a wife. I find it amazing that people are feeling like they're making real friends here and connecting with others. I haven't been able to feel that here. I've written about this here.

Something is wrong with me. Something is terribly, terribly wrong.

Would I would give to just be held. What I would give to just hear the words "I love you." and "You're important to me."

And PLEASE don't say it here! We hardly know each other.

I have to say. Right now I'm terrified. I don't know how this weekend is going to turn out.

I can't take any more of this experience called "life". It amounts to torture. If there is an intelligent design to all of this, this designer has designed my defeat.

People keep saying "it will pass". What if it doesn't? It hasn't passed for me yet. It's been over 30 years. I've been waiting for it to "pass". No - I haven't been waiting, I've been working at recovery like a fucking slave! Some people expire before it passes.

Maybe the only way for this to pass, is for ME to pass.

Sorry, Jeff, and Geoff. Don't take offense. I'm glad you cared to reply. I don't see the value in marching on anymore. Reading words from a bulletin board like MS can only go so far.

I needed a real connection. I needed to feel like I belonged somewhere. I needed someone to tell me that I was important to them. I needed to be held. I've tried for so long, and I failed. I can't get my needs met, and I have no fucking clue know how to get them met.


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440786 - 07/13/13 02:50 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Hey ((((( Magellan ))))),

Please hold on and give it another shot. You see that people care about you unfortunately we don't know each other personally but from what I do see of you I could be your friend any day and I'm sure that there are plenty more people who think that way also.

When I told you my shit in the post before I was not trying to out do you but just trying to show you that I might be able to understand your "emptiness". Yes it was bad that I fell apart and that I had to come here but it is the only thing that is keeping me sane and here. It is the only place I have been able to open up and tell my story, or at least most of it. It is the only place that I could be mme.

Showing love for a person doesn't mean they are romantic about it, it means we feel for the other person and we do feel for you having to live with your shit and not being able to connect to anyone. Please try we're here for you, we're here for each other. From what I see of you here on MS I could easily be your friend.

Please think it over, I want to be your friend. I don't think that I could take another Bryan event. I still can't get over what he did. So many guys and me included were talking to him. I talked to him 2 days before he pulled his plug and I was devastated, he just gave in. He is now at peace but we're not. I'm still hoping that he will come back. but that's only a dream, I miss him.

I won't say anything in order to respect your request but from your 1200 posts I know enough to consider myself your friend.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#440797 - 07/13/13 06:01 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
don't worry. i'm not doing anything stupid this weekend. i have my dog to take care of.

>:(
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#440804 - 07/13/13 06:48 PM Re: Nope! [Re: lapchinj]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

I'm another gay boy/man. Like Jeff, i got married, raised a family.

I was in the Air Force for 23 years. I was a closeted gay man.
A very immature & wet behind the ears boy/adolescent/man.

Like my brothers here everything changed when all the abuse came to the surface. I knew all about the emotional, mental & physical part since i was a very young gay boy. And i had spent quite a few years of my life trying to drown that boy in alcohol & and trying to run away from him.
But, i think that in these past 4 years i have learned more about myself than i ever knew in the previous 69 1/2.

Started therapy in Germany, my wife was invited by my T to attend a few T sessions with me. She did & then she understood just why & how i had treated her, no emotional or mental bonding no feelings for her, none-zero. But for my sons, grandsons, my male friends military & civilian i had tons of emotions for them. She had seen that for now (40) years. So it was no supprise to her that when i walked out the door to our apartment in Germany 4 years ago, she got no kiss, no hug, no thanks, no tears from me.
I will admit that she gave me 100% of herself & two fine sons. I gave her nothing in return, never knew how to relate to a female.
When i told her that i'm leaving her & Germany forever, she said to me. "So you want to leave me and go marry a man." Never did i knowingly ever give her a reason to think that. I never cheated on her, up to the time that i left Germany.

Since i came out from the closet at the WoR at Alta, Utah in '09, i have attempted to find a partner, someone to share my love with totally & unconditionally. But, you see my problem is i'm still that shy, immature, wet behind the ears boy. I don't mix well in company, as my social skills are severely lacking. I can't look someone in the face, i can't carry on a conversation & when i see someone heading for me, i look for a way out.
I connected with another brother of ours here in MS, asking him for some pointers in finding that man. After i told him about all my hangups he told me you sure put stumbling blocks in your way. You need to learn some social skills or you're going to be a lonely man or worse yet be a one night stand guy & that's not what you want or looking for.
I have an idea, Pete & he writes down an address on a napkin for me. It was the adddress for the Gay/Lesbian/Transgender MCC community. Try getting yourself involved with that group & they will welcome you with open hearts & minds. They all understand about being shy & they will help you on your social skills & relating to others.
I gave it a try after many trips there & not having the nerve to get out of my pickup. The big stumbling block was the building had church on it. Not for me, I gave up on Him as a boy, and it's been a love/hate relationship in my adult years.
I was welcomed into the community,by the gay ordained pastor & his partner. A young lesbian couple took a shinning to this old guy who showed up. I was very standoffish to them, as i have taught myself that i hated & feared all females & they were females. The helped ease my fears about being in a gay group for the first time in my life.
I had fianally made a connection with my kind of people & i felt comfortable with all of them.
I tried the spiritual part of it but had to admit to myself & the pastor after about a year that i really didn't go there to find God, I went there to find a partner so i left the community.

I'm going to be moving back to Texas within the next two weeks. I've been a house guest with another survivor, a straight survivor. We have helped each other along these past 2 1/2 years.

I'm going to try & find a partner, i am looking for someone who will hold, caress, love & care for me, as i will for him. Most important is that we can whisper in each others ear the most powerful words in any language in my humble opinion.
"I LOVE YOU." This still very shy boy/man is going to give it a try again. I've been into a few gay partner finder sites, but everyone is looking for young or younger guys.
At my age (numerical) i'm 74 years. Anyone who has ever read some of my posts will see where i have refused to be an old man. I'm still that boy between 10-14 years old who was in love with another gay boy in that orphanage/Home for four years.

As i was leaving Germany & my wife she said to me, who would want an old man? Especially who would want sex with an old man?
I told her that the sex is a very small part of the equasion, you don't know anything about gay love. I will tell you it's true love, bonding & caring with another human being emotionally & mentally in heart, mind, body & soul. Something that i never had for you. Got it!

But, which one of us is looking for someone to love & care for him?

Is it, young Pete seeking that love that he never recieved in his youth. A mothers love?

Or is it Pete, the adult desperately wanting to find someone to share his love & life with?

If it's the young Pete then it is doomed to failure & lonliness for the rest of his life.

But, my brothers we are lovable human beings, worthy of sharing anothers love with. We just have to keep trying to finally find the true love that we so richly deserve.
I sure hope so not only for me, but my brothers right here, right now.

Wishing you all well in love & healing, my brothers.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#440896 - 07/14/13 08:34 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thank you for your reply, Pete. I appreciate the question you asked - am I trying to get my mother's love or desperately wanting to love another person because I can?

Honestly - both. They're still mixed together, and I just had insight that part of what compells me to find someone to love is an unquenchable thirst to be loved in a way I have never been loved - loved like a mother should have loved me.

I don't know how to separate (and heal) this.

Thanks again. I felt quite a bit better after reading your note and pondering the question and reminding myself that this thing called love is something I have yet to understand.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440962 - 07/15/13 05:35 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:34 PM)

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#440966 - 07/15/13 06:28 PM Re: Nope! [Re: bodyguard8367]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers,

Geoff, pardon me for asking but where in the "family of choise" part are you talking about if i may ask?

I typed family of choice into google & there about a bazillion different sites. Can you guide me to the one that you are suggesting to Magellan?

Wishing my brothers here in this forum well in seeking love & partnership.
Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#440980 - 07/15/13 08:12 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Hi Geoff,

I wish I had a chosen family. I've been embarrassed to be admitting here at MS that I also don't know how to make friends, either. The abuse and neglect I suffered in childhood pretty much destroyed my ability to connect to anyone at all.

I've been severely socially dysfunctional because of the abuse and because of my severe hearing loss. After living in San Francisco for the last 20 years, I am ashamed and humiliated to admit that I don't have any real gay male friends, either.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#440988 - 07/15/13 11:00 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 467
Loc: UK
There is nothing to be embarrassed about, the aftermath of abuse or difficult childhoods and other circumstances mean that connections with others can be very difficult for us. Being real here is some connection. I donít have many friends never have had. The family I was born into was pretty awful so I have had nothing to do with them in many years, family of choice for me are my few friends and partner, I really like some of his family too. I never expected to be able to have a long term relationship but it did happen, I was pretty settled in my mind that it could not happen. I donít have any advice but life has a way of surprising us and we can learn new ways of doing things, our pasts are not necessarily a guide to what our futures become.

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#441039 - 07/16/13 10:58 AM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thanks for your response, Rustam. You're so incredibly lucky to have a partner at least.

I seem to be fundamentally broken - no close friends and no lover. I have tried for decades now, and failed. I'd have to consider the prospect of romance or finding a partner "impossible" this late in the ballgame. Fuck - I can't even make FRIENDS!!

No idea how Survivors are meeting people, falling in love, and making partners with others. Not a clue. The older I get, the more confusing and confounding it is. I really think there is something wrong with me. I'm literally the only person I know who's never been in love or had a LTR. I've lived in San Francisco for 20 years now - I've never had a boyfriend for fucks sake.

In lieu of any love in my life, I've made my career on things I love based on suggestions of people trying to help. They promised that pursuing my passions would bring me fulfillment. After working in my field for over 15 years, I wonder when does it become fulfilling? Were they lying? Now I feel cheated out of that as well.

Life is very very very unfair.

What a pathetic miserable little fuck of a retarded life. I'm the product of a rape, pure and simple. I should have never been born.

Sorry to dump this on you Rustam. You had me until you said "my partner". I'm in pure agony here. I have NO ONE.



Edited by Magellan (07/16/13 03:30 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#441068 - 07/16/13 03:54 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hey, my fraternal brother,

Magellan, you do have friends & maybe you can also call then brothers & a part of your MS family.

You are not alone in your emotions & feelings about totally being alone. I've been lucky in these past 4 years & 4 months, since i came back to the USA. A straight & married , friend of mine in Texas opened his heart & home to me for a shade over a year until he asked me to leave. He didn't know that i was a closeted gay guy.
Then, there was another person, a straight person, that was here in MS and he and i had become fraternal brothers, as we were helping each other along on this journey to recovery. We had thought of a weekend of recovery between the two of us, i would drive up from Texas to Kansas. When we spoke he was thinking in weeks & i was thinking the next weekend. So, i show up at his house, he opens the door & suprise there stood that shy & lonely Irishmoose from Texas. We hit it off pretty good together respecting each others boundaries. When i told him that i was going to have to find another place to live, either rent a house or an apartment. He told me that being that he lives alone in a house with 3 bedrooms that i could move in with him, i'd pay a reasonable rent & do things around the house, etc.
So, i pack up all my wordly posessions in my pickup & head for Kansas. Not only did he open his home & heart to this gay guy, but i was accepted as a part of his family as well.
They know about my hate & fear of females & extreme shyness. I have a standing invitation for breakfast on Saturdays, dinner on Sundays & any holiday. I have been to a few.
Talk about the odd couple he's straight & i'm gay, but again we respected each other & each others boundaries.
Since i've been here with him & we usually go everywhere together on weekends shopping, eating out or a movie.
He knows and understands my extreme shyness, lack of social skills & aversion to being in crowds. He has brought me along a bit in the shyness area. He was my mentor in getting me to have the courage to go to the Gay/Lesbian/Transgender MCC community in Missouri, which i belonged to for a while.
The main reason i went there was to find a partner, silly me everyone there already had a partner & a few were married to each other. I thought i needed some spiritual help & if i went to services on Sunday evenings well surely i'd meet one there. Never happened. Whould would partner up with a 71 year old guy? From Texas, no less?

Being out from the closet for almost 4 years, i was taking care of myself in the sex part. But you can only take your fantisies & imagination so far. I sure didn't want to put myself at risk by going to a Gay Bar, for a one night stand,everyone who has known me told me not to do it alone. That would have been my last resort because of my shyness & plus i'm a recovered alcoholic, so i don't put myself in a position of being around alcohol.Well there was no one here to go with me.

Now, young Pete (my inner child) & i are moving back to Texas. To an apartment complex in hopes that i'll have to courage to go out to put my shyness, self imposed isolation & lack of social skills aside.
To find someone who would even at my age want to love & care for each other for the rest of our lives.

Perhaps my fraternal brother there is a MCC commuity in your area that accepts gays & there you will be with our own kind, and who knows, maybe even find a partner. Someone to share your love with.

This will be the first time in my life that i will be totally alone by myself. No friends, no family (here in the USA), just me and a young gay boy named Pete.

We sure can never escape those things that happened to us as young boys/adolescents. We can never get our innocense & purity back. We can never get our lost love or self esteem back. Our confidence in ourselfs is constantly tested.

Yes, my brother, Magellan life wasn't fair to us boys, now men.
That was then & now is now. Things aren't as hopeless as you feel. Remember your family right here and now in MS. We are your connection to this planet, we walk together heart to heart, soul to soul, arm in arm.

Be kind & gentle on young Magellan, as He is You. Believe in yourself & above all my fraternal brother love yourself.

In the end all i can do for you is give you my compassion, understanding, hope & love to get you through these rough times.

Long winded & most likely it's of no help for you or anybody.

Take care, Be safe. Never lose HOPE.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#441081 - 07/16/13 05:47 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

You have at least us. You have all the right to have been born.

You are a very sweet and helpful person.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#441725 - 07/22/13 09:51 AM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:45 PM)

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#441752 - 07/22/13 02:08 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thanks you guys. smile
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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