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#440166 - 07/05/13 08:17 PM Nope!
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
I just can't attract any guys to me. After 2 dates, POOF! They're gone, and I don't know why. It's been like this for 20 years now.

I give up. I'm going to be a lonely man until I die.

Thanks for the curse, life! Really .. THANKS!
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440224 - 07/06/13 01:58 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:14 PM)

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#440558 - 07/10/13 11:06 AM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thank you Geoff,

I appreciate your sentiment, and I agree with you - my best chances at love are to come to a place of unconditional love / compassion for others. Which I'm working very hard at (and getting pretty good at!).

I've been in therapy almost 20 years and that has given me a ton of self awareness. Since starting to address CSA recovery stuff 2.5 years ago, a ton of new self awareness (profound!!) has been given to me.

At this point, I can see that I really don't have much in common with another person by way of romance and intimate love. I can't see it happening in my life at all. Nothing clicks. 20 years of failures. Yes, much of that in the midst of self loathing and anger of being alive.

But I've made significant inroads in this in the last 6 months (I still struggle, but I'm progressing, finally).

The significant problem is this: I'm only attracted to younger guys. Younger guys are too immature to 'get me' emotionally and psychologically. I'm averse to guys my age and older (I'm an ageist, something I wish would change, but hasn't in 20 years). I simply can't be attracted to people older than myself (the very people who would have the wisdom and compassion to understand me). Therefore, the experience is always the same - the younger guys want to hop in the sack, and once the sex is out of the way, they're on to the next.

I can't sustain interest in someone younger than me in any real meaningful way. Once the sexual curiosity is played out - it's over. I have absolutely no skills in retaining someone's interest otherwise. I'm missing something.

I simply can't relate to people I"m sexually attracted to on a non sexual level. And I have a very difficult time relating to people I'm not sexually attracted to.

It's *SEVERELY* limiting my options. As a pragmatic approach, it seems pretty clear that it simply isn't in the cards for me. I keep hearing that relationships are largely accidental in nature, and when they work, it's by luck or chance that they met, or hit it off. My therapist repeats this to me frequently. I've never come close to anything remotely approaching any of this.

It's been painful, and its been long, and its been really depressing. I have to learn how to accept this.

Thanks again Geoff.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440601 - 07/10/13 07:57 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:30 PM)

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#440645 - 07/11/13 12:04 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Hi Geoff,

I'm not offended at all, I appreciate the time you took to write and consider on it. Beyond that, I'm not sure what more I can contribute. I've never had the experiences everyone else seems to be taking for granted.

I've never come remotely close to a real romance. It's like a dimension I can't see or experience or something. I literally have never been in love, and I literally have never had a serious boyfriend.

The longest relationship I've had was an intensely dysfunctional relationship where I was sexually pursuing my best friend who was pretty ambivalent about his sexual feelings (he's straight but can't say "no"). It was a terrible relationship, lacking romance, and filled with unfulfilled desire. The relationship was also riddled with abuse and dominance.

Miraculously, 7 years after the relationship ended, he contacted me. 6 years later we're relearning how to be friends with each other and with healthy boundaries. I'm glad for that.

I'm not sure why I chose to share that. I guess its to demonstrate how far away I am from having ever experienced a romance. It's never appeared, and the false starts I've had all feel like mirages. I don't understand this whole 2-3 exciting dates where romance seems to be barreling down on us like a freight train where THE OTHER GUY! is driving the train, and then he just disappears.

I really don't get it. Honestly, this experience has made me feel retarded at times.



Edited by Magellan (07/11/13 10:25 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440687 - 07/11/13 10:49 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

I don't know if what I'm going to say with help any but I just wanted to throw my two cents in just in case it can help.

I'm a gay man married to a woman for 35 years. My marriage was never romantic or really sexual except to have kids. I look at my wife as a partner in life I don't look at her as a woman but a partner, and a damn good one at that. She raised our 6 children who I never got to hold because I'm fucked up. I just think that any relationship between people has to be at least a partnership and then see where it goes. No my wife doesn't know I'm gay and doesn't know about my gay friends growing up and I don't know if I will tell her but she is special with our kids and grandkids. I have none of that simply because I'm scared of kids. I would think that a partnership will precede a chance at romance. I never had a real romance. If we had to be together so she could get pregnant then the whole thing was over in 20 minutes. That's not because I don't like here but she's my partner and not my lover. We get along great together. I guess you can call this type of partnership a very strong and solid friendship.

As for why I married a woman? well in those days in the '70s you had to get married and of course it was to a woman so I really had nothing to say about it, it was prearranged by my friends who didn't know I was gay. Couldn't have kids any other way. For a single person it was very hard to adopt, almost impossible. If you were gay with or without a partner forget about adopting. So I went along with the flow and I lucked out with a very good partnership. And no I never took her dancing or anything like that, she has her things she likes to do and I have mine.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#440718 - 07/12/13 11:07 AM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thank you for sharing your experience, Jeff.

I envy you.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#440741 - 07/12/13 06:27 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

don't envy me, aside from my wife and kids my life has been a waste of time. Since I fell apart 2-1/2 years ago when my shit hit the fan it's been tough sticking around. But I'm still trying to stay grounded.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#440743 - 07/12/13 08:03 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
I know your life has been difficult; I've read your story, absolutely horrified. And humbled that you carry on like a soldier. But I also envy you because you've had someone at your side, no matter what. And I envy you that you have family and people around you that love you.

I've been stripped of the family I thought I had growing up, and never created my own as I'd always dreampt of doing. Instead, I was given a ton of heart ache and loneliness. My therapist says to keep on truckin' on!
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#440746 - 07/12/13 09:02 PM Re: Nope! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan,

Yeah I feel very thankful for all I have at home. I always wanted kids that were unabused and I got that also. It's something to think about keeping me here.

I can't imagine having nothing. I had my friends that we kept each other sane in a sick business. I wish there was something that I could say about your life but it defies words. I wish I had the magic that could right all the wrongs but I fall short on that also. I think that it is my family that keeps me here. My wife knows about my past now but none of my kids do. I don't think I could live through what you have.

I'm sorry if I made you sad frown. you're better off listening to your T as opposed to me.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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