Ended up finishing it...
To give context, I met my mother (abuser) the day I wrote this poem...no more sexual abuse, but the emotional abuse I got from her for hours on end had me drinking all night (and I just don't usually drink). I needed to let off some steam and put into words what I felt. This is kind of a manifesto I've come up with, and I want to stress that it doesn't and shouldn't apply to everyone's situation. It's just what I feel I need to do, at this point in time, being financially dependent on her and my father. (PS - couple of swears.)
Smile. Act. Pretend. Then lie.
All you gotta do is let time pass by.
It sucks when you're stuck with abusers with power -
A second with them lasts as long as an hour.
The day will come when you cut 'em from your life,
But now, you can't really escape from your strife.
So endure, endure, endure, endure.
It's all you can do, that much I can ensure.
Smile, smile, and keep on smiling,
Don't let 'em see that the stress is piling.
Keep that chin up, keep that chest out,
Don't let 'em see that you wanna just thrash about.
Laugh really hard when they turn you into a joke,
Don't let 'em see you wanna burn 'em into smoke.
Chuckle a bit when they're drowning your soul,
Cause if ya stop smiling, they've succeeded with their goal.
Act, act, and keep on acting,
Don't let 'em see that their existence is just distracting.
Walk that walk and talk that talk,
Don't let 'em see that you're about to bloody squawk.
Act like you enjoy things you don't want to do,
Don't let 'em see you wanna shut their mouths with superglue.
Act like them, like a mirror on the wall,
Cause if ya stop acting you're in for a brawl.
Pretend, pretend, and keep on pretending,
Don't let 'em see that you find them offending.
Say “thanks”…say “WOW!!!”…say “oh my God, are you for real?”
Don't let 'em see that you just wanna squeal.
Say "of course, what do ya mean! I'm so happy to see you!"
Don't let 'em see you wanna fill their mouths with shampoo.
Say “sorry, you’re right”…say “I love you, you’re the best!”
Cause if ya stop pretending they'll shit on you without rest.
Lie, lie, and keep on lying,
Don't let 'em see that inside you're just dying.
Tell 'em with your eyes what you say is true,
Don't let 'em see that you're about to turn blue.
Tell 'em with your voice you mean what you say,
Don't let 'em see that you wish they'd go away.
Tell 'em with your body that you're worth their trust,
Cause if ya stop lying they'll bury you in the crust.
But don't ever forget, ya ain't sufferin' without cause -
You're CHOOSING to stay within the clutches of their claws...
They give ya money - admit it, ya got some luck -
Just work on yourself, stop not givin' a fuck...
It's miserable, I know...BELIEVE me, I know...
You just wanna run, but you got nowhere to go...
That dark lonely place ain't nice to write about...
You just wanna drink, and drink 'til you pass out.
But I'm tellin' ya, endure, endure, endure.
When you got no power, you gotta bathe in that manure...
Just smile. Just act. Just pretend. And then lie.
One day, you'll be free - just let time pass by.
(Epilogue - I realized after rereading this, and meeting my mother again today that really, this was the voice of me in my teens - I had regressed back to that age yesterday.)
"Au milieu de l'hiver, j'apprenais enfin qu'il y avait en moi un été invincible." - Albert CamusMy Story