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#440124 - 07/05/13 12:48 PM My experience.
manuel6590 Offline

Registered: 03/01/09
Posts: 3
Loc: south gate
I joined this website back in 09, which was 4 years ago. I guess the only reason why I never posted my experiences is due to lack of confidence. I get so overwhelmed thinking of how I'm going to organize all my life in just a few paragraphs.

Well anyways my name is Manuel, I'm 23 years old and have been thinking about doing a post about my sexual trauma. I was born in the Los Angeles county to Mexican parents. When I was about 2 my parents decided it would be best if my grandmother in Mexico took care of me and it was mainly due to both their busy schedules. You see my father worked in Alaska on a fishing boat and my mother worked in downtown LA and was pregnant at the time with my sister. They really couldn't find anyone else to take care of me so they just shipped me off with my grandmother. She was awesome. Well I don't exactly remember when it started but I remember 3 of my older male cousins would have me perform sexual favors on them... It's so blurry that I have a hard time remembering when it took place. I must've been 4 at the time. I didn't mind performing sexual favors on them. At that age children don't really grasp the concept of what is right and wrong and I know I didn't. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong and I never thought it would affect me later on in life. I really enjoyed their visits. I felt like I was wanted and I enjoyed it. Did I mention I'm also a homosexual? I'm not sure if my sexual abuse played a factor in my homosexuality but I remember looking at guys packages at an early age, I'm talking about 5 or 6. Since I was sexualized at a young age all I thought about was how big the package was. I know it's graphic but that's how I was. Most boys that age are playing with toy cars and doing whatever a normal little boys do. And me well I was sucking cock for fun. Now of course I don't think it's something that should have happened to me. I feel like my life has been robbed. If there is a god I'm angry at him because only he could forsee what would happen to me. If my sexualization at a young age wouldn't of happened I would of been a normal kid and things would of turned out differently. I never had close relationship with my father, he was around but he wasn't someone I felt comfortable talking with. My mother however is wonderful, she is my world even at this age. I love her dearly. I know they tried their best and there's no manual for how to be a perfect parent but I honestly feel like they both abandoned me at such a crucial part in my life. Throughout elementary and middle school I was bullied for being gay, ( I would like to point out that I never acted gay, or act girly). I honestly don't know how or why kids bullied me and I honestly hate those motherfuckers and wish them the worst. I don't want to hear oh well they were just children who didn't know any better and I know there is a hypocrisy right there, but those motherfuckers are a reflection of their parents and I honestly fucking hate them. I am really messed up sexually and socially and when it comes to the social part it's due in part because of the bullying. I regret not standing up for myself during that time in middle school. I regret not beating the crap out of those assholes that would degrade and humiliate me on a daily basis. This went on for years and yet I was passive. I got called a faggot and would get beat for no reason. I never bothered anyone, I kept to myself and now here I am being socially awkward ranting and talking about my past experiences. I've had friends don't get me wrong. In high school I met some awesome people that were supportive and understanding of me. I still talk to some of them, maybe not as often as I would like but they're still around when they can. I feel a great deal of loneliness though, I fell like I have no one in my life than can understand me. Back track a just a few years earlier when I was 8 I went back to Mexico. You see every Christmas and Summer I would go there to visit my grandmother who I loved and miss dearly now since her passing. I had not had contact with the cousins that would have sex with me. Well it happened again, except this time one of my cousins was sexually mature, I believe he was 17 at the time, well he ended up penetrating me. He didn't really force me or anything. It had already happened before but it didn't hurt as much. I was utterly disgusted when he ejaculated. I honestly felt like I had no dignity and when I look back I'm disgusted in myself. Don't get me wrong it felt good, I'm not going to sit here and say I didn't enjoy it, but seeing as it turned out it of course is not something I would've wanted to happen to me. Now I can't find a boyfriend or have male friends because all I think about is having sex with them for my pleasure. I'm not promiscuous though, I don't go around having sex with anyone and everyone, but that is just one reason why I don't feel comfortable around other men. I'm sorry if my thread is out of order guys. This isn't all of it I've left so many things out. I guess I'm not good at this stuff. Well anyways there you have it my incomplete story.

#440129 - 07/05/13 12:59 PM Re: My experience. [Re: manuel6590]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 300
Loc: MO

Thank you for sharing and I hope this site can give you support on your journey to health and healing.

#440153 - 07/05/13 06:24 PM Re: My experience. [Re: manuel6590]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1217
Loc: The ATL

Hello Manuel. I'm glad you had the courage to share your story. I hope that writing it all out and posting it helped you feel a little better. I'm sorry to hear that you were abused and that you were bullied. The story of my abuse is much different than yours but I totally relate to the bullying stuff. I was bullied in school mercilessly and for years. Although I am not gay, I was often accused of it during the bullying and called "faggot" and whatnot. Perhaps that is just something boys who are to passive get called by more confident and aggressive boys, regardless of what the aggressor actually thinks about their victim's sexuality. Like you, I don't think I acted "gay" or "girly". I was just one of the "weird kids" and I was overly passive with no self confidence, so, I was bullied.

Originally Posted By: manuel6590
I honestly felt like I had no dignity and when I look back I'm disgusted in myself.

It's sad for me to hear you say that. This is classic CSA survivor self-blame and it is all to common. It was not your fault and as such you should not be disgusted in yourself. You did nothing wrong. Hopefully in time you can learn to put 100% of that disgust where it belongs..... ON YOUR ABUSER!

I'm glad you decided to rejoin MS and I hope you are well. Take care. Peace,


#440161 - 07/05/13 07:55 PM Re: My experience. [Re: manuel6590]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
For a first post you did ok, you should have seen my first posts.
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#440233 - 07/06/13 05:37 PM Re: My experience. [Re: BraveFalcon]
manuel6590 Offline

Registered: 03/01/09
Posts: 3
Loc: south gate
It's so weird because I never did anything to catch anyone's attention. And it's not just just boys being confident, it's also a reflection of their parents and their home life. I'm anti social and wary of who I talk to in real life because of those pricks. I'm scared of being judged even though I don't do anything out of the what falls in the realm of "normal". I wish I could change but that just seems impossible now.

#440234 - 07/06/13 05:38 PM Re: My experience. [Re: lostcowboy]
manuel6590 Offline

Registered: 03/01/09
Posts: 3
Loc: south gate
Organizing your whole life in just a couple of paragraphs is so time consuming. I just don't have the patience for it.


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