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#440047 - 07/04/13 10:54 AM Can't Help? Fine, Just Don't Hurt.
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I'm so hurt, mad, sad and lonely. Again.

Things are good for a few months, then boom...he withdraws.

This time we both were apparently triggered. We both have disordered mothers who didn't protect us. Survivor with survivor is so difficult. My llimited NC with my parents ended, and they were immediately aggressive with communications, assumptive, condescending....all my emotional triggers surrounding my own non-protecting. My own old tapes came out, and I asked for support. I literally asked to be held.

The response? "You need to quit being so f**king negative all the time." His own mother had pulled her own "waify" stunt last week, and I guess he didn't like that I refuse to respond how he does.

I do think I'm better than him in some ways, but only in the sense of being a little further along in healing. I do know I'm worth not being spoken to poorly, or walked out on at the end of a date like he did last night.

I'm begging for attention, love, affection, a friend who supports my own healing as well as loves himself enough to heal...and that's not who I am married to.

It's like last year all over again. The distance, the anger, the refusal to go to therapy, refusal to have any in-depth discussion, hypersensitive, critical...I'm wondering why I'm here. he's so sweet to the kids, yet reserves his venom and glares for me. he's committing to doing things around the house that I can't physically do....then nothing. Just gaming, or working on his off days again. Pure escapism, and I'm "not allowed" to hold him accountable, because God forbid I "point out his failures."

I am not going to date a child who refuses to own his shit and hides out. I understand backsliding, sure. I also understand straight-up denial. I spent 3 days in a triggered PTSD which he made worse by telling me to "get a grip". had I said that, OH NO! The supporter CAN'T say that to the survivor! (Unless I'm the survivor.) I eased out of the flashback with my BFF's help, and my T and I are having a long session this week.

All I want is tolerance. My compassion resulted in my becoming his doormat. I'm not sure I can keep doing this when support only goes one way. I had enough of "raising" the adults in my life as a parentified child; I certainly don't need that in a marriage with someone unwilling to heal. I'm tired of feeling like a trophy/excuse/crutch/scapegoat all at once.

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#440096 - 07/05/13 12:34 AM Re: Can't Help? Fine, Just Don't Hurt. [Re: Airmid]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Hey, Airmid.

Sorry to hear you are back at a low point again.

Originally Posted By: Airmid

I do think I'm better than him in some ways, but only in the sense of being a little further along in healing. I do know I'm worth not being spoken to poorly, or walked out on at the end of a date like he did last night.

I'm begging for attention, love, affection, a friend who supports my own healing as well as loves himself enough to heal...and that's not who I am married to.


It's good to hear that your healing is going well. I hope you can keep making enough space for that.

Perhaps setting the bar as high as you have may be putting too much pressure on a difficult situation. People heal at their own rate. Ideally, the road would not be so rocky and the support would always be forthcoming. But under stress, it may be better to keep your first obligation, which is to yourself. I guess you may be accused of selfishness, but that seems like a somewhat natural response to a moment when someone feels isolated or abandoned. In any case, paying attention to yourself may be more supportive, because it shows a certain strength.

Unfortunately, this is a lonelier choice in the short run. But it may leave both of you less vulnerable to the "dual-trigger" problem.

Hang in there,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#440327 - 07/07/13 09:49 PM Re: Can't Help? Fine, Just Don't Hurt. [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Quick update:
I started re-reading Pete Walker's stuff about CPTSD (two survivor marriage here), and I have so much work to do on myself. Blurred boundaries, extreme hypervigilance on my part, emotional flashbacks for us both...

After two days of barely talking, I had him meet me at a bar where could get a little space for ourselves. I asked him to read the emotional flashback stuff by Walker (peer-reviewed, in case H balked a little), and it hit home.

he softened a little, but deep down, we are on the same page, just at vastly different recovery and life points. It happens.

I'm taking the time we're more distant emotionally to get into heavier crafting again. It's good for me.

Big bump, but that's alright.

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