I hope that you are talking to your therapist about how you are feeling. it is hard no doubt to be in your situation so many have found themselves in that place and you have come to a place of rest and healing. I also hope that you will: find time to read others stories and know you are not alone, to learn so that you will see healing is possible, and to rest so you will have strength for this journey.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"