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#439911 - 07/03/13 01:00 PM Googled Perp
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
A


Edited by mattheal (09/20/13 09:38 PM)
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#439912 - 07/03/13 01:03 PM Re: Googled Perp [Re: mattheal]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
There is a HUGE difference between confronting the perp and telling everyone he knows. With a one-on-one letter, you might get an answer, maybe even an apology (or nothing, or HURP DURP GET OVER IT LOL). But if you start telling other people, by name, he could sue you for defamation and slander (and would have every reason to do so since it makes him look more innocent and insults you worse in the process).
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#439923 - 07/03/13 03:29 PM Re: Googled Perp [Re: mattheal]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
I'd be very careful. As SoccerStar says, there is a difference between confronting your abuser and revenge. Revenge wont help. Trying to destroy him in some way wont help in the long term in your healing. There are right ways and wrong ways of doing things (I think). It could also completely back-fire on you and you could find yourself in a very difficult position.

There is some good advice on disclosures and confrontations that I recommend you look at by Ken Singer. See link below. To me the most important part is what your expectations of confronting the abuser are, and being realistic about the outcome, even ready for complete denial by the abuser. I think these aspects of expectation are best expressed in the part of the article regarding disclosure than that regarding confrontation, but it is a good article and gives many tips and advice.

One thing that I did was to write a letter to my abuser, with no intention of sending it, it was just a process. That can be useful in expressing some of these things and getting to the route of what you need to do or not do. You may feel some urgency to "do something", but I advise take your time and think things out, the tortoise and the hare.

Link
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

Lewis
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#439924 - 07/03/13 03:34 PM Re: Googled Perp [Re: mattheal]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 613
Loc: where the shadows lie
That's really tough. If he's involved with kids, it might be worth it to think about if there is a way to warn them. But the danger of it backfiring is pretty great. People tend to rally around folks they know when strangers accuse them, and that rallying would only strengthen his position in the community unless there is already rumblings. There are only two options I can think of, both of which might cost more money than you are able to spend.

1. Talk to a lawyer. See if there is any way to share your concerns with the church or pool organization without opening yourself up to trouble.

2. Hire a private detective to see if there is anything in his past that could be legitimately communicated to the public. Or just see if you can find a way to just get a background check run on him. You never know if there is something that could be passed on.

Now, neither of these are things I would personally ever do. Two of my abusers were minors at the time of my abuse (I think of the real criminals as being whoever abused them first, and I can only make guesses at that) and the other was a counselor whose name I don't remember at a camp that has since changed hands. The two who were were minors now both make more money in a year than I have made in my entire life and are both semi-famous in their respective fields, so even if I wanted to expose them (which I don't) I could be pretty certain of it being a real nightmare. But during the times that I have thought about it, those two options are what came into my head.
_________________________


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#439939 - 07/03/13 05:37 PM Re: Googled Perp [Re: mattheal]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 744
Loc: Southeast USA
Matt,

I agree with what others are saying. It is a dangerous proposition for you to confront him. Defamation of character whether through libel or slander is a real possibility with a lack of supporting evidence. Even an un-adjudicated charge or report from the incident won't carry much weight today.

And that sucks.

Try the letter or the Ken Singer book for some strategy. I've often thought about what I would do if I could confront my abuser. I've moved between beating him to a pulp to simply scaring him before releasing him in an act of seeming benevolence---at least this is a fantasy unlikely to be realized.

I've written a letter, but done nothing else. I would actually mail it if I knew where he lived...I'd save it until I was traveling out of town. I'd drop in a mailbox at a distant post-office. The details of the letter would leave little doubt that I was on to him...no threats...just a nice hello, how the hell are you? It would be cold and clinical...all facts, chilling even. Just all business.

Like your situation, the guy who raped me was older...I was 13 and he was 19. Today, that age differential isn't significant. I tracked the guy to a point and then his digital profile goes dark. If I ever did find him, I would want him to know that I was aware of where he is and that I have not forgotten what he did. I would hope that insight would put the fear into him...that there is always the possibility he could be uncovered....even if I never do that. This way, you have the power.

As much as I've wanted to thrash him, I advise against a physical confrontation. A kid I played baseball against was abused by his coach. Years later, he tracked down the abuser and fought him in a parking lot. Both were hauled to jail TO SIDE BY SIDE HOLDING CELLS. The perv coach didn't press assault and battery charges...and the police didn't see the incident...so both walked.

Good luck, but tread VERY carefully. This is a minefield emotionally and legally speaking.

Will



Edited by Suwanee (07/03/13 09:04 PM)
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#439940 - 07/03/13 05:49 PM Re: Googled Perp [Re: mattheal]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
I appreciate everyone's advice, and assure you that I have considered the legal aspects of my statements above - which is why I posted the thoughts here - it's my testament if you will of how I am/was feeling today.

I would not put my family at risk by acting out revenge. Nor would I post and then act. That would be evidence of premeditation.

I am very grateful for your concern and advice though!
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#439943 - 07/03/13 06:24 PM Re: Googled Perp [Re: mattheal]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Good, Matt. I am glad to read your latest post. It is normal to have these thoughts. But you seem to have things under logical control. You continue to take care of you.

Let the adults in charge of the children he is near protect them... it is their responsibility.

And unless he is a true psycho void of the capabilities of feeling, it is hard for me to believe he doesn't remember almost daily that he once raped an 11 year old ... and I am so sorry that happened to you.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#439964 - 07/03/13 08:18 PM Re: Googled Perp [Re: mattheal]
takingitslow Offline


Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 60
Loc: UK
Every survivor I've spoke to has a different opinion on revenge/confrontation/ non-confrontation/ forgiveness and all the different possible options open to you.

End of the day there is only 1 right answer and that is what you decide to do because once you make a decision you stick with it and see it through. Dont try and second guess yourself or dwell/ deliberate on what you decided to do. You have the power to approach this in the way you decide and nobody can ever tell you the right thing you should or shouldn't have done. There are benefits and pitfalls to every option open to you it is never easy.

Im 24 now. Perp was my uncle from 14-22 my life= I was groomed, manipulated and sexually abused. 1 year ago I went to the police and soon there should be a trial (hopefully in july or august). My perp lost his job I know he is suffering, most my extended family have heard rumours about the csa and there is divide at this stage on who to believe. I have had a very difficult 12 months but I feel strong/ composed at the moment. I hold on to the fact that he will never abuse boys ever again.

I don't judge others on their decision what ever it is. But I know that it was torture deliberating on what I should do before I went to the police. Having so many options is scary, daunting and triggering. It is much easier once you decide on an approach and then you just have to see it through. No going back, no changing direction. It is far easier for me mentally now with hopefully a trial looming because time passes and you adjust to your situation. End of the day only me and my perp know what happened in regards to the CSA others might hear snippets or small parts so only 2 people know what really happened (or more if more abusers).

This rambled on abit but I just read the original post and can relate to the stumbling block which is wondering what action or inaction should be taken and it is very hard and emotional.

Wish you all the best Matt.

Dan.

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#439966 - 07/03/13 08:42 PM ! [Re: mattheal]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 08:08 PM)

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#440046 - 07/04/13 10:53 AM Re: Googled Perp [Re: mattheal]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1447
I read a lot of the comments here and really do think the variables are so complex there is no single right answer. That said, I confronted my perp this past April. I had that discussion. I still haven't shared much about it here but it was a huge deal for me. And for him.

What really helps, I think, is to really know WHY you want to do it. Help others? Sure - that's admirable and worthy but there are other avenues to pursue that (law enforcement, the perp's family, Batman, etc).

Perhaps you need to dig deeper into the reasons. Just "to know that he's not abusing others" seems vague. To remind him he raped you serves him. But does it really serve you? Perhaps the answer is yes. But you need to know that at a much deeper level, in my very humble opinion. I don't want to make assumptions, because maybe you do. But it did not come across in the post, so perhaps there is more?

For me (and just for me), it was not about anger or revenge. It was not about rubbing his face in shame. Oh sure - I had every right to indulge those points. But I concluded that would net me nothing. Just throwing negatives at negatives cannot yield a true, sustainable positive. The math wasn't there. It would be nothing more than an emotional indulgence to fume at him. And, frankly, I would have felt creepy. Think about it - he felt great after he molested me. After each sexual consummation, it enhanced him and diminished me. And so - what? I go in there and rant and make him know he's scum and what have I done? The same thing. Perhaps I am being a bit cerebral about this, but I can't see how further diminishing another - even if they deserve it - can give me any meaningful and lasting fulfillment. It certainly didn't work for him.

So it wasn't about anger or revenge or defining who he was or showing who I was. It was about discovery. It was about finding answers to the questions I had carried away with me for all those years. It was about taking a walk back down that path to our past because I would perhaps find something more of myself lying on the trail - something I left behind in my rush to forget.

I had some very specific questions. The preparation was key. I went to him with those. We had a civil conversation. I had no expectations to color the meeting. It just went where it went for 20 minutes. I learned a lot about myself in that meeting - about my feelings just seeing him again. I looked into his eyes and saw memories of myself and my feelings and how I had to deal with him reflected right back. Had I gone in with an emotional agenda (anger, revenge), I'd have blocked all that and walked away with nothing.

I stepped out of that facility enlightened. And he's still locked up.
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Eirik




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