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#439861 - 07/02/13 11:49 PM had to replay the scene for the T
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
The numbness has dissipated and once again the emotions have returned regarding this dirty little (BIG) secret. I am back, after a two week hiatus of therapy, avoiding the use of the term rape. I just realized that. Thats what happens if support is pulled before you are ready, I suppose.

I talked a lot today. All 50 yrs of it. But I will just focus on the ASA here. The T asked me to describe for him the event. The rape. No one had asked that before. I stumbled and faltered. I described the room, the pull out sofa bed. I explained how I had been awakened and how he had knee crawled onto the bed and into my face. The T wanted specifics, like clothed, unclothed... he wanted to know how it ended... he just wanted specifics.

First, it was really difficult to step back in time to that room on that afternoon. More than difficult. And then to draw the visual back into my conscious was not what I needed to do. All of my walls have fallen. The dissociation ended and it became real again.

Second, I could recall being awakened by entrance into the room. And by his approach around the end of the bed and onto the bed. But I couldn't remember specifics after that. Pants up, down, unzipped, totally nude. Shirt on, off, unbuttoned. I can't remember how he was dressed.

Third, the T asked how it ended. I don't even remember how it ended. Did it end inside me? ... on me?... on him?.... or maybe it didn't end with an ejaculation. I just can't remember. And that disturbs me greatly.

I was and am pretty upset by today's session. I know the T guy needed to know, but having to relive it and describe it was emotional. It was embarrassing. It caused me to feel less than human. I had to admit that I was an object again. I had to admit that I didn't say no. That I didn't resist. That even through the drugs and the pain, I thought I had to do the deed because his dick was in my face and entering my mouth.... that is what I had been conditioned to do.

I still can't believe I can clearly remember the beginning but nothing after the entry into my body. I am left to wonder if I went into that dissociative state or did I just fade away because of the drugs? Doesn't really matter. I remember rising from the bed and making my way to the bathroom to wash when it was over. And that's it.

We did agree on one thing. Because there was no resistance on my part which I freely admit, I had to hear him say that I was violated... He had to say I was sexually assaulted. I wanted his opinion. I needed the validation.

He responded with something to the effect that it didn't matter what anyone thought, if I felt violated, I was violated. I appreciated that comment. He then went on to say that, yes, in his professional opinion I had been sexually assaulted. Its actually the first time he has said that. So, here I am, back in the saddle and full of emotion again. But it was and is really hard.

Got a hand- up... I could surely use one tonight... and if I get embarrassed or feel threatened by my thoughts and delete, be not concerned or upset. It's just that obsessiveness taking over.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#439878 - 07/03/13 04:24 AM Re: had to replay the scene for the T [Re: ThisMan]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 751
Loc: michigan
hey this man
you T is right the measure is NOT what happened but how you feel about what happened that causes so much grief. you were violated while drugged that sounds like assault to me. not being able to remember the details and all is very frustrating but in the end it does not mean much. you were helpless and whatever happened you could not give consent. it is so hard to re hash all these things, I know that some of my experiences were brought to much more clarity through talking about them and it is hard each time. I hope that you get some good rest and then reward yourself for your effort. you have accomplished much man , you deserve it.
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#440092 - 07/05/13 12:17 AM Re: had to replay the scene for the T [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Jeff, Thanks man. You are right about it really doesn't matter how it ended. If I knew for certain, then I would be upset about that! So details, shmetails... butttt.... it does matter.... for some odd reason, it just does. But hey, can't change it, can't fix it. But I certainly can deal with it... and I am. Good words, and thanks again. And the fear is telling me to delete delete delete... I will soon.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#440117 - 07/05/13 08:07 AM Re: had to replay the scene for the T [Re: ThisMan]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 751
Loc: michigan
I understand.
There is a memory of abuse that has come to me, similar in fact to what you describe,I was about 6 and in the hospital. I always knew part of it but the detail has come out only recently. But as I told T I feel like I cant trust it maybe because of the drugs or whatever but I know the memory has feeling I can feel the touch, the pain ,so much I see now but I cant see HIM I don't know who it was. T suggests I just let it go for the reasons you mentioned, but yea It does seem to matter somehow
I hope it gets better for you
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#440127 - 07/05/13 12:51 PM Re: had to replay the scene for the T [Re: ThisMan]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Hey This,

Like you, I had the same thing happen. I had to replay the whole thing - and I mean everything - to my T at one point. I hated it, but he said it was necessary in order to let it go. And while I didn't see that at the time, it makes more sense now. I felt humiliation, disgrace, less-than-a man, and all that. But once it was out, it got better, and for you I believe it will also.

And there are also still some things I can't remember, mostly about afterwards. After I told my T the whole magilla, other things that I had totally forgotten about began to resurface. That may happen to you also, and sometimes they weren't pleasant. But at least I was able to deal with things I could remember and knew about as opposed to things I couldn't.

And one other thing. I couldn't use the word rape either. Still have trouble with it, because it just didn't fit me as a man. I preferred assault. But rape is what it was. I have to call it that, and in so doing, I have to remember that rape is not primarily an act of sex. Rape is an act of violence. It took me awhile to get that.

Once you face what it was that happened to you, I think you'll find it easier to let it go.

Hope this helps.

Oriolesguy

My story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...1634#Post261634

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