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#439867 - 07/03/13 12:25 AM VERY TRIGGERING- Oral sex by the age of 5
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
****....Trigger City....****

Extremely emotional therapy session today. For the first time in 50 years I admitted to this T that at the age of 5, I was giving head... learning the art of fellatio.... giving a bj. And yes, I cried. Just a bit. And yes, I remember it like it was yesterday. And the horribly sad part is that I wasn't completely honest. I didn't tell T the entire story.... I dont think I can ever verbalize what happened that day... and I can't even tell you guys. Is it really really necessary to open up and share the full extent of the shytt they put us through? Can't we heal these wounds and somehow save a part of our dignity as men? As humans? Can't I save some space in my heart and pretend I had some happy times as a little boy? Just a few... thats all I want to reclaim or pretend to have had ... just a few sweet memories.

I just glance over at the picture of the big eyed boy to the left - thats me- I was him and I was performing oral sex acts..... I mean, that's really the little boy- his picture- my first grade picture and I was already giving head. I just can't imagine. No wonder I learned the art of dissociation so well, as many of us have.

I want to say, buddy, its all coming back and now I understand the unexplained moments of sadness when you were growing up. I see it in your eyes and I will never understand why the grownups didn't know. .........but see, one knew. My momma discovered us that day. And she sent the cuz home and I remember her asking me questions about what he made us do. But I told the T that part.

And guess what, gentlemen... this fuckin cousin was allowed to come back into unsupervised play and interaction with us, the younger cousins, four years later. And guess which little cousin he went for this time? ME !! So when I was in the fourth grade he had a period of time when he molested and assaulted me again... multiple times.

My fourth grade teacher knew something was wrong. I sat at my desk many days during lunch or recess. I worried about everything. All papers had to be perfect, all books had to be perfect. She even conferenced with my momma. But whatever.

The saddest part for me... My parents knew what had happened when I was four and five years old- at least on the day we were found- and unbelievably four years later they let him back into our midst and HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME AGAIN !! No one fuckin' cared. No one. Ever. It was during this period when I learned to stay ultra clean... its a family joke, bill doesn't like to get his hands dirty........ one day I am gonna say, "Correct. Ever since **** had me get him off when I was 9 by masturbating him over and over and he shot all over my hands, yes, dammit, I am obsessed with keeping my hands spotless.... duh."

Its a big rant, full of emotion... jump over to ASA and read the post... was a full session and I just talked away... got my money's worth today. Now I need a tissue. But at least the feelings are back. And what would a day be worth if we didn't cry a little in our march to healing.


Edited by ThisMan (07/03/13 12:33 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#439869 - 07/03/13 12:46 AM Re: Oral sex by the age of 5 [Re: ThisMan]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Your story has just helped me understand some of my own problems. The part about you having to keep your hands clean, and your habit of perfectionism, almost describes me to the fullest. I still can't totally explain why I clean, my house and myself, the way I do, but you have given me food for thought.

I can remember how I would keep a mental picture of how everything looked whenever things would happen with my abuser. As soon as it was over, I would straighten everything up. I would put everything back in its proper place, so no one would know what had just happened. I never wanted anyone to know what was happening to me. I didn't want to be embarrassed. I didn't want my mom to know that the man she loved, her boyfriend, was taking advantage of her son. Till this day, even when I go over her house, I'm looking at things and making sure they are put away properly. It is not a huge obsession, but it is one that I have never been able to figure out until you told your story. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that you continue to progress the way you have. Though, you didn't tell the whole story to your T, you were still able to make a break through.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439871 - 07/03/13 01:01 AM Re: Oral sex by the age of 5 [Re: ThisMan]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
God I"m sorry. I'm straight but I have very strong sexual problems because of this same occurrence. frown
I'm sorry.

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#439872 - 07/03/13 01:18 AM Re: Oral sex by the age of 5 [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Yeah - b - I get it too.

So sorry.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#439875 - 07/03/13 02:32 AM Re: Oral sex by the age of 5 [Re: ThisMan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i feel your pain.
it hurts.

i do not like to look at pictures of me as a child.
i know what is going on behind the eyes.

sending you love.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#439885 - 07/03/13 08:06 AM Re: Oral sex by the age of 5 [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Quote:
I dont think I can ever verbalize what happened that day... and I can't even tell you guys. Is it really really necessary to open up and share the full extent of the shytt they put us through? Can't we heal these wounds and somehow save a part of our dignity as men? As humans?


Oh Bill it hurt so much to read that. I'm so sorry. It does truly add insult to injury, the way therapy can dismantle you... losing the space of time and being right back in those horrible moments, "willingly".... having to ask the T afterwards if you're ok to go back into the world or if its too obvious you've been crying...

I can only compare it to the way they strip the skin off burn victims, it's for the best but still torment. All I can say is that more than anything this whole process has proven true what every little kid is taught, that crying DOES get the bad feelings out... just admitting what happened and how wrong and horrible it was and having the dignity to know you deserved better, is a key step.

The boy in that picture looks impish, playful, and adorable. It hurts just to hear what happened, that someone could have looked at that and said "TARGET - DO THIS - NOW..." He was a good kid who was worth more and at the very least is worth crying over. The avatars here are in general haunting. I was PMing with a bud a few weeks ago and said something like "btw it's sad to look at that happy normal kid in your avatar and know what was coming down the line for him and that no one would be there to save him" - and he said "thanks, but by the time of that picture I'd already been getting it for years." Sometimes you just wanna scream WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??


I tried to find a pic of myself from that time period but was overwhelmed by fear and sadness. A few months ago I tunneled through my parents old VHS family movies and got a horrible jolt... there was me, within a year after the abuse, and I was chattering and playing normally with a bunch of relatives, and the tape went on and on... and I had NO MEMORY of any of it... not a baby, a 9-year-old, but still lost to the blackout. Filled with dread to see this doppelgänger miming its way through my life while my brain was still set to "purge".


Matt
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#439913 - 07/03/13 01:21 PM Re: Oral sex by the age of 5 [Re: ThisMan]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
I have been dealing with this very issue in the past week, I get exactly where you are coming from.

I have been working on dealing with the inner child, not the innocent inner child that was free from abuse, but the other one. The inner child that did all the sexual things with the perps. It really makes me terribly sad, nauseous, and anxious.

I was just saying yesterday that no 8 year old should know how to please an adult man sexually. No 8 year old should know the mechanics of that. He should be out collecting frogs somewhere.

But, like you, that stuff seems written all over my face in pictures. I hear the sounds, the names I was called, and worse the feelings, when I look at them.

Thank you for posting this. You are doing really hard work with your T. But, you are doing the work. And you are not alone.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#439917 - 07/03/13 02:59 PM Re: Oral sex by the age of 5 [Re: ThisMan]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Just to let you know I hear you, whilst writing through this you are working through it, you are doing it right, keep on going, let it out. Ranting can be a brilliant healer.

It is good to come out and say how you feel, especially after holding it in for a long time. When I was writing about similar things I had to make a thread, I think it was called the "Fuck you" thread or something like that, so your restraint is brilliant so far! Sometimes screaming it out loud on these boards is a good thing to do!

I had a similar thing with the cleanliness. It was also a family joke- I hated it when anybody would touch my knife or fork (cutlery)- if anybody touched them I would refuse to use them, because I didn't want to put it in my mouth after somebody had touched it, so obviously this meant people would touch them on purpose to wind me up and i'd have to always go and get my own clean ones, and I would get told off about doing this! Like properly told off! But I just hated the idea of things going into my mouth like that. And even now my family think that it was amusing, but it wasn't amusing, it was traumatising every time.
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#439970 - 07/03/13 09:46 PM Re: Oral sex by the age of 5 [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
The responses are much appreciated. I know most of us can relate to what we share and that helps us to know we are safe. Not some oddity left along the lane waiting for the tears to stop before going home.

SS... the therapy does dismantle you. And it hurts... but you know, the hurt for me is entering a new phase. It is a different hurt now. When I sort that out I will let you know. Entering T was the best b'day present I have ever given myself.

And you know, Matt, that phrase you gave.... "Target - Do This - Now"... is a simple, brilliant way to describe the depraved pieces of life that hurt not just little kids, but every one when "they" spot their prey. That must be the message a sexual predator receives in his brain AND body... "Target - Do This - Now". At least in my sexually assaulted life it was.

Lee, VV, Marinan... thanks for the words, guys. I know you know, but it helps to read it. And Marinan, I haven't even addressed the sexual issues I have developed since the last assault... all because of the assault.

Nolan, king, toddop... I haven't addressed the obsessiveness with a T. But no one is to touch my utensils, my plate, my food.

If two of us were in the desert and had not had water for days, and we discovered a canteen full of water and you drank first, I would die of dehydration because I would not drink after you. Seriously.

As soon as guests leave I rearrange even the slightest movement to anything and everything in my house. And I spend the afternoon rearranging my furniture just TODAY to where it was three months prior... I do it all the time...its useless and exhausting... but I cant stop myself from doing it. My pants and my creases, my shirts. If a simple wrinkle appears, its like, off with the old and then on with the new. I use so much bleach on my whites that I cause a skin reaction to my privates (a little too much info, I'm sure)... I am improving but wow, such energy and effort it takes.

We will get through this and move to the other side... wherever that may be!!


Edited by ThisMan (07/03/13 09:50 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#451394 - 10/27/13 12:43 AM Re: Oral sex by the age of 5 [Re: ThisMan]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
.

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