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#439854 - 07/02/13 11:11 PM žSA/Gay
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
On the topic of SSA vs orientation.

The threads on this topic have been helpful. Iㅓ

I would like to add my own experience to the mix.

When I told my mom that i had messed around with my best friend and was now heartbroken because he refused to engage me in public but when we were drunk would pull me aside for increasingly passionate sex, she said sadly, "You are gay or bisexual. And that is fine. Nothing wrong with it. It will make your options smaller, not larger, because the number of people who you can deal with this are few."

So in a word, full acceptance. At 17 I had a 35 year old partner who slept in my room in my stepfather's house. Again, full acceptance. He was an incredibly devoted lover and was sure that we would last forever, but for me, my heart was set on getting married and having kids...experiencing real love with a woman. My complement.

ANd for me, it had nothing to do with social pressure. It was just the yearning of my heart.

So I did get married and we have a child. And she is aware of my past and of my acting out down to the last detail. She is at peace with it, as much as can be expected.

She knows I will not leave her for another man. She knows I no longer have the compulsion to have actual sexual contact with men.

But now I do have a family. These days (having had boyfriends previous to my marriage) having really enjoyed the companionship that a sexual partnering with a male provides, I find myself really missing that. Holding a guy at night, road trips, being rowdy and affectionate. I miss it all.

Does it make me gay or bisexual? I've always defined those terms by 'what gender you want to partner with' not 'what gender you want to fuck'.
For me, i don't want to partner exclusively with a male. But would i love to have a special friend to go camping with from time to time. Sure would.

Anyway...this is just a note for those of you who are questioning about this stuff. Especially those who are so waste deep in societal expectations and wondering if they might be gay if the rest of the world could handle it:

Guess what, even if the rest of the world sets up a parade for you to celebrate your coming out...it may not end up being the easy answer you thought it might be.


I'm more secure in my sexuality than I ever have been, and I respect those who have good reason to label themselves. I guess I just can't that easily.

Gold


Edited by GoldStone (07/16/13 10:41 PM)

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#440394 - 07/08/13 04:58 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:23 PM)

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#440400 - 07/08/13 05:43 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: bodyguard8367]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367


Your mom also responds directly to your orientation as accepting, which is wonderful, but then she doesn't address your emotional rejection at the hands of your best friend. Why not instruct you on how to navigate your difficulty in dealing with him? Why not advise you how to handle this rejection, how to handle an appropriate response like abdicating further sexual contact with him, and how to suggest that your boundaries ought to include limits on your interaction with him since he doesn't honor your involvement with him.




Because she went through the same thing and never got over it herself.

She divorced my dad for another married man who didn't go through with HIS divorce, but continued to sleep with her even getting her pregnant. She told me recently, he is STILL the only man she ever loved.

Thanks, Geoff.

Amazing what little wisdom adults often have.

Good thing we all have each other to wade through the sea of BS.

gold

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#440493 - 07/09/13 06:12 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:23 PM)

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#441109 - 07/16/13 10:47 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Edited OP. Can't believe this didn't get more traction the first time around.

Maybe I need to be more concise. wink

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#441143 - 07/17/13 07:47 AM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Originally Posted By: GoldStone
...

I'm more secure in my sexuality than I ever have bee...

Ok so what is your real sexual identity at the end?

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#441775 - 07/22/13 05:26 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:23 PM)

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#441783 - 07/22/13 06:01 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
"real sexual identity"

Not everyone gets to have one of those! smile

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#442322 - 07/27/13 07:58 AM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
finallyopen Offline


Registered: 11/16/12
Posts: 69
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Have to agree with you Goldstone .. not everyone gets one of those.
I know myself I have been dealing with my SSA for years .. at times acting it out, but for the most part keeping it hidden.
Over the past few months, in dealing with my CSA and the years of confusion, I have finally come to rest "in my mind" that I am bi-sexual. However, that being said I do not freely act on it nor do I persue it. I guess I have just allowed it to become a state of mind that I can live with.
Like youself, I'm married and would never leave my wife for a man.
As you said in your post .. I can relate to the fact that you miss "Holding a guy at night, road trips, being rowdy and affectionate".
Take care
_________________________
My Story : http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4645#Post434645

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#442351 - 07/27/13 12:24 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Thanks Open,

For your response.

As with so many things on this journey, it helps to know we are not alone in our peculiarities.

Some men believe, for good reason perhaps, that their ssa is only sexual.

But I allowed myself the chance to go deeper and found that there are deeper forms of same sex love which go beyond the sex, and may or may not include sex.

sometimes people seem so bent on controlling their impulses, that they never even find out where they lead, or what is actually driving those impulses. I'm glad I didn't make that mistake in my life. I am richer for it.

Now, because I know my ssa isn't primarily about sex, I'm able to remain faithful to my wife by not having sexual contact with other people. I'm not tortured by 'what i might be missing' because I already know how 'sex alone' is empty, and I know what beautiful thing can exist on the other side of the sexual attraction, between two mature men.

I worry for the people who seek help for their ssa, putting themselves in the care of so-called x-gays who never had the courage to investigate their feelings fully, to understand what mature homosexual love is even about. And sometimes I wish that some of the married ssa men out there who spend their lives wringing their hands over 'what if', would just get out there and do the deed and understand what it is, and what it isn't. I think they owe it to themselves to become self aware by way of experience. Even if it means putting a ding in their marriage situation (case by case of course). Some men out there are literally living in hell because they will never allow themselves to answer that most basic question. And its eating them alive. I think this ends up costing more in a marriage than actually doing the legwork of owning our feelings and following them to their natural conclusions, whatever they may be.

This would not be advisable for the husband who feels that his attraction to men is just a fetish, of course. No need to pour gasoline on that shit. But I think that isn't the case for many of us.


Edited by GoldStone (07/31/13 10:14 PM)

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#442357 - 07/27/13 01:49 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
I define myself as bi-sexual. Am no longer married but still don't freely act on it. I don't have a really well defined reason as to why I torture myself instead of exploring. The few drunk times I did explore years ago while physically satisfying left me feeling blah afterwords-I'd have similar reactions upon drunken hook ups with women too so that clearly doesn't give me solid answers. It's been suggested to work on forming actual emotional connections with a man and see how that develops I end up chickening out and go back to torturing myself. It's a viscous cycle

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#442403 - 07/28/13 01:50 AM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
There's gotta be good money to be made as a sexual surrogate who could help men comprehend their longings in a safe environment and with a man who can also help them talk through their feelings and experiences.



Edited by GoldStone (07/28/13 01:51 AM)

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#442754 - 07/31/13 11:30 AM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 407
Loc: west coast
This really is a brilliant concept

It makes a lot of sense on one level
check it out.

http://www.thesexsurrogate.com/?page_id=137
from the website

Would Surrogate Partner Therapy be helpful for me?

Are you feeling uncomfortable with your sexual orientation or gender? Are you dealing with insecurity and/or lack of experience with all things sexual? Are you afraid of not being able to perform sexually the way you want to? Are you struggling with long-standing physical or emotional issues with sex? Do you need help building skills for dating or for satisfying intimate relationships? If the answer to any of these is ôYes,ö then Surrogate Partner Therapy might be helpful for you.


trigger warning:
I met a nurse, it was not one of those desparate encounters I had prior that left me feeling so empty and dirty. This was completely different, he made tea we chatted and he was genuinely interested in me as a person. Later he led me to the bedroom and for the first time in my life a man made love to me as another man. He was attentive and not coercive in any way yet forceful and urgent and intense. And when he kissed me it was like the top of my head blew off. The rush of feelings, the way it felt so right, his pheromones of clean sweat without confounding cologne or pit stick. Unrushed, yet passionate and more than anything was about just being in the moment where he held me in his muscular arms and put my head on his chest after an hour of the most intense experience of my life.

I cried my eyes out as I drove home, I had realized in that moment that that's what my sexuality was. It wasn't dirty or furtive or just the sex act, it was making love for the first time as myself. The effect initially was horrible, I didn't really know how to really process it. I wasn't ready for what happened. It took a lot of time and therapy to really come to understand that I had repressed my sexuality my whole life. I was gay in orientation but had lived a heterosexual lifestyle.

I do think its a good idea , I just think its important to understand what the potential outcome might be.

I am lucky enough to still have a great relationship with my exwife, my kids and both my and her family. Some would be giving up a lot , especially those surrounded by hyper religiocity. I have and my family has gained so much. My kids now have a dad who is really there body and spirit and my exwife now has an opportunity to be loved and made love to by a man who is also 100% there. I hope her head blows off too.

My son plays for the state (provincial ) championship this weekend in baseball. My wife and her bf, me and my bf and our families. We will all be there cheering him on.

I hope your journey ends where your dreams are realized, whatever they may be.

grant


Edited by 1lifenow (08/01/13 09:40 AM)
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#442879 - 08/01/13 08:57 AM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio


What a great, informative and interesting thread. It really is brilliant, the surrogacy, how this could benefit so many, me included. Thanks and sign me up!

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#442950 - 08/01/13 09:11 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East

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