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#439854 - 07/02/13 11:11 PM žSA/Gay
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
On the topic of SSA vs orientation.

The threads on this topic have been helpful. Iㅓ

I would like to add my own experience to the mix.

When I told my mom that i had messed around with my best friend and was now heartbroken because he refused to engage me in public but when we were drunk would pull me aside for increasingly passionate sex, she said sadly, "You are gay or bisexual. And that is fine. Nothing wrong with it. It will make your options smaller, not larger, because the number of people who you can deal with this are few."

So in a word, full acceptance. At 17 I had a 35 year old partner who slept in my room in my stepfather's house. Again, full acceptance. He was an incredibly devoted lover and was sure that we would last forever, but for me, my heart was set on getting married and having kids...experiencing real love with a woman. My complement.

ANd for me, it had nothing to do with social pressure. It was just the yearning of my heart.

So I did get married and we have a child. And she is aware of my past and of my acting out down to the last detail. She is at peace with it, as much as can be expected.

She knows I will not leave her for another man. She knows I no longer have the compulsion to have actual sexual contact with men.

But now I do have a family. These days (having had boyfriends previous to my marriage) having really enjoyed the companionship that a sexual partnering with a male provides, I find myself really missing that. Holding a guy at night, road trips, being rowdy and affectionate. I miss it all.

Does it make me gay or bisexual? I've always defined those terms by 'what gender you want to partner with' not 'what gender you want to fuck'.
For me, i don't want to partner exclusively with a male. But would i love to have a special friend to go camping with from time to time. Sure would.

Anyway...this is just a note for those of you who are questioning about this stuff. Especially those who are so waste deep in societal expectations and wondering if they might be gay if the rest of the world could handle it:

Guess what, even if the rest of the world sets up a parade for you to celebrate your coming out...it may not end up being the easy answer you thought it might be.


I'm more secure in my sexuality than I ever have been, and I respect those who have good reason to label themselves. I guess I just can't that easily.

Gold


Edited by GoldStone (07/16/13 10:41 PM)

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#440394 - 07/08/13 04:58 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:23 PM)

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#440400 - 07/08/13 05:43 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: bodyguard8367]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367


Your mom also responds directly to your orientation as accepting, which is wonderful, but then she doesn't address your emotional rejection at the hands of your best friend. Why not instruct you on how to navigate your difficulty in dealing with him? Why not advise you how to handle this rejection, how to handle an appropriate response like abdicating further sexual contact with him, and how to suggest that your boundaries ought to include limits on your interaction with him since he doesn't honor your involvement with him.




Because she went through the same thing and never got over it herself.

She divorced my dad for another married man who didn't go through with HIS divorce, but continued to sleep with her even getting her pregnant. She told me recently, he is STILL the only man she ever loved.

Thanks, Geoff.

Amazing what little wisdom adults often have.

Good thing we all have each other to wade through the sea of BS.

gold

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#440493 - 07/09/13 06:12 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:23 PM)

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#441109 - 07/16/13 10:47 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Edited OP. Can't believe this didn't get more traction the first time around.

Maybe I need to be more concise. wink

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#441143 - 07/17/13 07:47 AM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Originally Posted By: GoldStone
...

I'm more secure in my sexuality than I ever have bee...

Ok so what is your real sexual identity at the end?

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#441775 - 07/22/13 05:26 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:23 PM)

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#441783 - 07/22/13 06:01 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
"real sexual identity"

Not everyone gets to have one of those! smile

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#442322 - 07/27/13 07:58 AM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
finallyopen Offline


Registered: 11/16/12
Posts: 69
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Have to agree with you Goldstone .. not everyone gets one of those.
I know myself I have been dealing with my SSA for years .. at times acting it out, but for the most part keeping it hidden.
Over the past few months, in dealing with my CSA and the years of confusion, I have finally come to rest "in my mind" that I am bi-sexual. However, that being said I do not freely act on it nor do I persue it. I guess I have just allowed it to become a state of mind that I can live with.
Like youself, I'm married and would never leave my wife for a man.
As you said in your post .. I can relate to the fact that you miss "Holding a guy at night, road trips, being rowdy and affectionate".
Take care
_________________________
My Story : http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4645#Post434645

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#442351 - 07/27/13 12:24 PM Re: žSA/Gay [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Thanks Open,

For your response.

As with so many things on this journey, it helps to know we are not alone in our peculiarities.

Some men believe, for good reason perhaps, that their ssa is only sexual.

But I allowed myself the chance to go deeper and found that there are deeper forms of same sex love which go beyond the sex, and may or may not include sex.

sometimes people seem so bent on controlling their impulses, that they never even find out where they lead, or what is actually driving those impulses. I'm glad I didn't make that mistake in my life. I am richer for it.

Now, because I know my ssa isn't primarily about sex, I'm able to remain faithful to my wife by not having sexual contact with other people. I'm not tortured by 'what i might be missing' because I already know how 'sex alone' is empty, and I know what beautiful thing can exist on the other side of the sexual attraction, between two mature men.

I worry for the people who seek help for their ssa, putting themselves in the care of so-called x-gays who never had the courage to investigate their feelings fully, to understand what mature homosexual love is even about. And sometimes I wish that some of the married ssa men out there who spend their lives wringing their hands over 'what if', would just get out there and do the deed and understand what it is, and what it isn't. I think they owe it to themselves to become self aware by way of experience. Even if it means putting a ding in their marriage situation (case by case of course). Some men out there are literally living in hell because they will never allow themselves to answer that most basic question. And its eating them alive. I think this ends up costing more in a marriage than actually doing the legwork of owning our feelings and following them to their natural conclusions, whatever they may be.

This would not be advisable for the husband who feels that his attraction to men is just a fetish, of course. No need to pour gasoline on that shit. But I think that isn't the case for many of us.


Edited by GoldStone (07/31/13 10:14 PM)

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