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#439817 - 07/02/13 04:21 PM A question for all...
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
Hey, folks -

I am curious to know if any of you became "homophobic" as a result of same-sex abuse. By way of explanation...

My abuse started when I was twelve and continued through my teens. When I hit my twenties, I was so busy trying to repress and deny the sexual pull I had towards men that I would bad-mouth gays. Never was I a violent person, thankfully - my testosterone pool was never that deep and my slender build would have been challenged to physically back such rhetoric, anyways. Yet I was so loud about "fags" that perhaps I thought my own words would persuade and propel me to the heterosexual end of the spectrum based on willpower alone. Interestingly, while I did not date girls, I had a very secret sexual life with men that my friends never knew about. So I was an incredible hypocrite.

I applied for and was accepted to a rather elite and select program in the Navy. It even qualified me for hazardous duty pay. It was the perfect intensity - I think I had zero libido during the 14 grueling weeks of specialized training, and we used to joke (or seriously wonder) that our food was spiked with saltpeter.

It was a time I was able to forget myself. One of my classmates was killed during training exercises and another killed in the theater of operations when deployed in the Gulf. It's rather amazing when I consider that I could have been leading a rather sedate existence selling software or something had I never been molested. But I either had something to prove to myself or to bury under greater intensities.

As I came to terms with my sexual identity, my anti-gay rhetoric went down. And the grace of that self-acceptance brought my survival instincts up. Maybe I had less to prove and more to live for? I eventually left the military because that essential, almost reckless "edge" dulled. I look back and see it was all fueled by a desire to live so intensely that I wouldn't have to really look at myself - if that makes any sense. I now quietly and comfortably self-identify as gay, but like many of you, I suspect I'll never know if my sexually identity would have naturally evolved to gay without the sexual abuse. And if it did, would I have fought it as fiercely?

My questions in a nutshell:

1) Were you ever homophobic - even if just a "phase" - at some point after your abuse?

2) How do you identify yourself now (gay, straight, bi, straight with SSA, gay with OSA, etc)?
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#439824 - 07/02/13 05:12 PM ! [Re: Chase Eric]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 08:09 PM)

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#439828 - 07/02/13 05:57 PM Re: A question for all... [Re: Chase Eric]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
i work with gay people constantly in show business.
gay people are people.
some are ok, some are jerks.

what i do know is that there is absolutely no way to tell, from appearance, reputation, or behaviour, if someone is homosexual, bisexual, trisexual, asexual, hypersexual, or antisexual, unless they choose to share that information.

what i do with my genitals is between me and my god.
i believe that is true for all of us.

i do sometimes consider certain men good-looking and even attractive.
i tried being bi, more than once or twice, but i did not like it.
every one of these incidents involved alcohol.
i discovered that i definitely do not like touching or being touched by other men.
even if i did find a man attractive, there was not enough arousal to overcome the creepy feeling i get when physical contact occurs.

i have no trouble discussing sex or sexuality with gay men, but do not like it when they push seduction on me after i have made it clear that i am into women only.
some men are too aggressive and i take offense if a gay man will not take "NO THANKS" as my final answer to any advances.
now that i am over 50 years old, this has not happened in over 10 years.
however, during my 20's i had a lot of trouble with unwanted attention from gay men who thought they could pressure me into it, no matter how many times i said no.
i do not like it when they flirt with me either, once i have made my preference clear.

other than that, i would not consider myself homophobic.
my days of experimenting ended about 25 years ago.

hope this answers your question.

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#439831 - 07/02/13 06:23 PM Re: A question for all... [Re: victor-victim]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
@Gary -

Thanks - I always appreciate your words here. Did you ever go through a period where you questioned your sexual identity as a result of the abuse? Did you ever feel anything close to homophobia?

@V-V -

Thank you for such an honest and thought-provoking answer. If I interpret correctly, I take it that means "yes" to a homophobic period after the abuse? The feeling of being "pressured" is interesting. I dealt with that when I finally broke from my molester and went off to college. Other guys checking me out absolutely gave me the creeps. I was both attracted and repelled. But the repelling won out all the time. I think that for 6 years I didn't know how to say "no" and suddenly was in a mine field of potential sex I may still fail to prevent. It all came down to insecurity and how it manifested itself as homophobia. I did not trust others - but, even more, I really didn't trust myself.
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#439837 - 07/02/13 08:27 PM Re: A question for all... [Re: Chase Eric]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
I went through a period of internalized homophobia for many years. I knew I was gay, even since I was a little kid, outside of all the abuse issues. But, I did not come out as gay until I was 32. I think because there was a part of me in very deep place that associated adult homosexuality with the actions of the perpetrators. I finally was able to understand that adult homosexuals were not abusers or perpetrators, and that I was not an abuser or perpetrator for having normal healthy adult attraction to males. Once I made that connection logically and emotionally in my brain, minus the stuff the abuse threw at me, I was able to reconcile with being gay.

That being said, I still have a level of discomfort with sex in general and tend to go long periods of not having sex at all. My problem is that I cannot separate the sexual feelings I have now as an adult to the sexual things I felt as a kid during the abuse. Sex just always feels tainted with what happened. However, I am sure I would have been gay if the CSA had never happened.

Todd
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#439841 - 07/02/13 08:59 PM Re: A question for all... [Re: Chase Eric]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi Eirik. My abuse didn't happen at the hands of adult men so I guess my answer doesn't completely apply to the topic. However, I will say that in my teens I sometimes said very homophobic things around other teenage boys just to sound tough. It wasn't what was in my heart and I regret having said any of that now but at the time I was just a clueless kid, searching for his own masculinity.

Now, I couldn't be any less homophobic. I've even spent time hanging out at gay bars with my gay brother and my other gay friends. There isn't really anything for me there, but the drag show is always fun to watch. grin

So, to answer your questions, even though my experience doesn't really fit what you're talking about.....



Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

1) Were you ever homophobic - even if just a "phase" - at some point after your abuse?


No, not really, but I did say stupid shit around other teenage boys from time to time, because I for some reason thought those were the things I was supposed to say.


Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

2) How do you identify yourself now (gay, straight, bi, straight with SSA, gay with OSA, etc)?


Ummmmm..... errrrrr......... it's complicated. eek

Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#439846 - 07/02/13 10:04 PM Re: A question for all... [Re: Chase Eric]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 706
Loc: Southeast USA
Eirik,

This topic came up just this past week.My wife commented that she was somewhat surprised that I was so accepting of gay people in light of what happened to me. She said this not as someone who is uninformed, but as someone impressed that I didn't let my experience at 13 color my views---as though others might not see things this way.

I was raped at 13 by an older male teen, so my answer is based on my experience. It happened at a crucial time in my sexual development---I began puberty at age 11, so by 13 I was well underway.

What happened to me then made me question my sexuality. I wondered why he picked me. I wondered why I had an erection...I wondered if I really liked what he did to me. I withdrew sexually. Lots of MB, but fear of girls. I felt like a perp if I got close...so I withdrew from them. In the meantime, I focused on swimming as I have mentioned before. I seemed asexual...but I got the job done by myself.

Like other boys, I thought "gay" was quite a stigma. I wasn't effeminate in the least--and that was the popular perception of gay men at the time, but I wondered what I was. From time to time I attracted the attention of other males and wondered why that seemed to happen all the time. When it happened, I was uncomfortable to say the least. I soon realized that I was not gay. Being a swimmer, I caught some grief for being a "Speedo-wearing....whatever." I had no interest in other males in a sexual way.

I truly was attracted to girls/women, but was terribly afraid that any time I came on to them, they would be afraid of physical contact. But...it wasn't them...I was the one afraid.

With other teenage boys, we did throw around inappropriate words from time to time. In high school, a kid who was suspected to be gay pestered me all the time...and we got into a small scuffle and I told him to leave me alone and called him a "fa**ot." He was devastated and I felt horrible, because like Ken says, it was not what was in my heart---it was a low blow and I later apologized. Beyond the stupid schoolboy stuff, I really had no ill will toward gay people. Hell, my great-aunt was in a "Boston Marriage" and nobody, but nobody cared. It was not big deal.

Now, I am not homophobic in the least. I live in a conservative state, but I'm very much a social liberal. It's none of my business what consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedrooms. It's none of the government's business to stand in the way of loving adults who want to marry. So, I applaud the demise of DOMA and hope that people can just be happy with who they are and who they are with.

If anything...my CSA has led me to understand the range of sexual response that humans hold. That isn't a bad thing.

Originally Posted By: Chase Eric


1) Were you ever homophobic - even if just a "phase" - at some point after your abuse?

2) How do you identify yourself now (gay, straight, bi, straight with SSA, gay with OSA, etc)?


1) No more than the stupid schoolboy stuff I mentioned.
2) I am straight.

Will


Edited by Suwanee (07/03/13 06:34 AM)
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#439855 - 07/02/13 11:19 PM Re: A question for all... [Re: toddop]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
@Todd - Thanks. You are the first one to answer as I do - that you did feel homophobia and you are gay. Like you, I considered adult homosexuals to be perps, but I suppose we learn that is just a child's simplistic view of the world. And like you, I have real issues with sex. I have an incredible number of boundaries and it's amazing my partner puts up with that. I know it is all related to the abuse. Never quite figured out how - if my boundaries were so thoroughly trampled at the start of pubescence - I ended up with so many. Back then, boundaries were integrity fences. Now they just seem like "hang ups."

@Ken - Yeah, I think the general stigmas of homosexuality combined with the pressure to conform and establish oneself as a teen results in the kind of "sounding tough" that you describe. Since I was focused on how same-sex abuse issues translate into later attitudes about homosexuality, I guess that would d/q you from that. But your point is really important - that there is already an undercurrent of "false bravado homophobia" with many of us who grew up in less tolerant times, and that "background noise" has to be separated from the more intense homophobia that can result from same-sex abuse. Thanks for chiming in!

@Will - why am I not surprised at your level-headed perspective? I say that with true admiration and sincerity. So no homophobia (other than "the stupid schoolboy stuff") and straight. But what popped out most was this incredible statement (slightly off-topic but a real "wow" to me):

"...fear of girls. I felt like a perp if I got close..."

I really started thinking I was the only one on the boards here who thought like that. I had crushes on girls I could do nothing about because of those same feelings. I put my arm around girl and start to make moves, and the icky feeling of my perp making similar moves on me - and watching him do it to other kids (girls, including my sister) made me stop. I was convinced in my despicable world of black and white that being a victim was a thousand times more preferable to being a perp, even though both were far from noble.
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#439880 - 07/03/13 06:07 AM Re: A question for all... [Re: Chase Eric]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
No I never had any homophobic views or anything like that, i'm straight.
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#439889 - 07/03/13 08:29 AM Re: A question for all... [Re: Chase Eric]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
When my sexual desires started up with me being attracted to both girls and guys, I was horrified and disgusted. Being into guys was far more significant than being into girls, because it was gay, which to a 13yo boy in a small suburb is the worst thing in the universe. Cue fanatical levels of denial, self-hatred, and, yes, cliched externalized homophobia. Since all the boys in my school used "f*gg*t" as a comma, more or less, it was nerve wracking to think that they might know, that it might be more visible in my case than others, so of course how else do you deflect and keep your status but by "f*gg*t"-ing right back at all of them. This was ALL among straight-identified boys.

Bi.
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