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#439520 - 06/29/13 12:48 PM EMDR WORKS!!!
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:02 PM)

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#439521 - 06/29/13 12:49 PM Re: EMDR WORKS!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:02 PM)

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#439625 - 06/30/13 09:35 PM Re: EMDR WORKS!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Feel very moved by your words and how close and understanding you were of your very small innocent self.

Great to hear the EMDR is going well.

Peter

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#439652 - 07/01/13 11:40 AM Re: EMDR WORKS!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""



Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:02 PM)

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#439665 - 07/01/13 01:25 PM Re: EMDR WORKS!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hey Geoff. I read your post just before I left for work this morning. Thought about what you said through my commute and I can so relate to the shame. Sorry I waited to respond. You were courageous putting that out there and I am grateful. Aspects of your story were uncomfortably familiar to me. We are all so different... but so similar in how we suffered through our shame. I was uplifted by how you were able to connect with your child self and comfort and reassure him. You remind me how I need to do some work there with my own inner Dave. Thank You!

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#439667 - 07/01/13 01:42 PM Re: EMDR WORKS!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:02 PM)

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#439776 - 07/02/13 07:56 AM Re: EMDR WORKS!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1184
Loc: New York
Hey Geoff

Yeah don't be bummed, I just came across your thread this morning and I've been thinking if I should start EMDR like my T wants. I still don't understand how you can get to make your 'today' self make peace with your 'young' self. Yes being gay has a lot to do with it and yes I'm still in the closet and will probably die that way.

The reason for my T wanting me to go into EMDR is that I was forced to do shit when I was 14 that was, let's say, fucked up. I had no choice I now realize but the fact that I made a decision to make myself available disturbs me to no end. It was that kid that I fight with now and wish he would leave my head alone. I've had enough of him and there is no way I could explain away the shit I did. Was it because I was gay that made me available or was I groomed like my T says?

Is it shame that I was a prostitute for 7 years from 12-18. Is it that for one of those years aside from being a prostitute I made the mistake of letting myself being forced to do things that I regret terribly today but was faced with extinction if I didn't listen to them. Is it the 9 years of shit starting when I was 10 that shows that it was all my fault for never saying no. Is it the fact that my whole childhood until I went into the USAF at 18 was shit that I got myself into. (I don't remember my life before the age of 10.) It is that shame and guilt what will kill me one day.

To make peace with the idea that I was fucked up in many ways with the drugs that I got into from and early age? Was it the fact that I never said no and when it was too late that I couldn't get out. It was really that kid who chose that fucked up life instead of saying no and continuing my sports hopes of going to the olympics one day. It was and is that kid I am still hiding for 40+ years. It was that kid who made it impossible for me to ever have friends again because I was paranoid that someone would find out my past.

I'm so happy you found your younger self and made peace, more or less, with him. I don't see how EMDR can rewire your brain which I'm now terribly afraid of anyone fucking around with my head again. I'm reading a book by the founder of EMDR Francine Shapiro, PhD. to get an idea of how that all works. I still don't understand how I can forgive a kid for doing what he did and then making my life miserable by hiding my youth from the world for so the rest of my life. It is going to be some job for me to forgive that fucken little hustler.

I've hinted here in MS to that one year in my past that bothers me so badly but I'm even ashamed to mention it here even now on MS. A youth full of shit that I still feel I was responsible for getting into and the 9 years of never saying no.

Thanks for this thread and to everyone else who posted here but it's going to be a hard sell to have me go through the 'rewiring'. It took over a year for my T to know and understand what I did as a kid.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#439797 - 07/02/13 01:47 PM Re: EMDR WORKS!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:03 PM)

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#439840 - 07/02/13 08:41 PM Re: EMDR WORKS!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1184
Loc: New York
Hey Geoff,

It seems too good to be true and with the shit that I did I can't see anything changing in the way I feel about it. I cannot see being free of the guilt and so much of the responsibility for what I did. I had so many times heard that expression you mentioned "you wanted it" and so many others like "you liked it" or "how beautiful you are".

I still have that book to read by Dr.Shapiro and I'm sure that I will be talking about it with my T in the next few weeks. I sort of got sidetracked a week ago Monday when I flipped out in my T's office and if I put in 20 hours of work that week it was a lot. I was really fucked up because we were going over the interview for the upcoming WoR in Connecticut in July. He mentioned something that they will ask and I got triggered big time. I ended up sitting in his office looking at the walls for most of the session and I couldn't even talk. I got home and canceled my application to the WoR and I wrote him that I couldn't come anymore. It took most of the week with emails going back and forth for me to agree to come in just for this past Monday. Interesting thing about that I realized that I had to continue with him otherwise I don't know how long it would be possible to continue to go on and it's all because of that fucken little hustler. Since little jeff is me I see very clearly how fucked away my whole life by hiding myself and what I did.

I will eventually do EMDR because I still can't say no. I am paranoid of someone fooling around with my head where I have no control. Anyway I see how happy you have been for doing EMDR so that's positive for me. Maybe it's just taking longer for me. I should have been dead 2 years ago but my T sort of kept me here and even got me to a shrink for meds so therapy has mad a difference and kept me grounded. I guess that's a big improvement since I fell apart 2-1/2 years ago. So I guess the next step would be to add EMDR to my mix.

But right now I'm still that shitty little kid. I can still see me being delivered to these fancy apartments in Manhattan, high class professional type people, wearing tight, low cut hip hugger bell bottoms. I better stop now I'm going someplace I really don't want to visit right now or even later.

Thanks Geoff

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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