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#439575 - 06/30/13 11:06 AM My current recovery experience **triggers**
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
This is my first "new post." I am in very sad and vulnerable state,

I am finally willing to believe that this is progress in the journey of recovery. I have felt that the attraction of various behaviors which help me numb out clearly demonstrated the continuing destructive patterns of my reaction to the abuse. Gambling, watching porn masturbating, rocking, scratching till I bleed, playing solitaire on the computer are all obsessive reactions. I know that these are less damaging than drinking to a black out or cutting or burning myself. Still these obsessive behaviors are still indications of attempts at self medication.

But, I can no longer use anger to feel invulnerable or being shut down. It does no longer provide me with the concentration which eliminates all emotions. When I cry and feel sad I often have thoughts and memories of my experiences of abuse.

Knowing what my mother did when she had me undress for the photographer to take pictures, included pictures of me naked with an erection. This was not only incest at the hands of my mother, it was not only pornographic, it effected my emotional balance. I felt used, fearful, vulnerable and discounted, That I was simply an extension of my mother's exploration of her own power and sexuality projected on me as a narsisist extension of herself.

My mother, asking me when I told her of my rape at the hands of her friend, did I enjoy being penetrated. I answered no it hurt. Her response was then I was O K. The discounting of my existance, the denigration of my right to my own sexual experience (if it had been pleasurable I would not been O K). But my emotional response was really centered around my sense of prostituting myself to accomodate my mother's expectations. The terror of the false empowerment that, if I had no control, I would be suffocated in the next oral sodomy experience. The disregard of the months of abuse (February to August) reduced to a single act is demeaning.

The idea that the other abusers, physical (my older brother and my father), sexual (my older brother and her business partner),or emotional (my mother and father) were issues I could bring up for sympathy or help were crushed.

My acceptance that emotions not that I expressed, but that I felt are now open to me. The elimination of psychotic delusions which permitted me to perceive my experiences as normal and acceptable, that I was not severely abused because it didn't include broken bones (of course my broken nose wasn't counted - it was cartilage). Being pushed down to be fucked in the mouth with my mother just up stairs and having sent her friend (a latent homosexual) down stairs to see me, was just another expectation for my mother for me to perform. My sense of my value being dependent on complying with my mother's expectations, was a desperate effort to find any source of acceptance and "love."

Now that I will have to learn to live with the overwhelming emotions that I denied for about 50 years, I am very sad. I cry for at least an hour or two every day. But this is a necessary part of my journey journey to recover from the terrors of my sexual experiences from age 10 to 15.

My T assures me this is an indication of improved mental health.

Thank you for letting me share my progress.

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#439576 - 06/30/13 11:22 AM Re: My current recovery experience **triggers** [Re: genedebs]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 266
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you for sharing your story! Hold on there, i think your T is right about the progress.. i have had years in which i couldnt cry and i finally started to cry again..

you're doing just fine!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#439579 - 06/30/13 12:17 PM Re: My current recovery experience **triggers** [Re: genedebs]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
This is really good work you are doing there, genedebs. You have made a lot of important connections about what happened, why the adults in your life allowed it to happen, and your own helplessness in the situation. I am sorry you had to suffer that. I know how painful it is to be made to do things like that on camera. It can completely magnify the feelings of being exposed in an already vulnerable place.

I like what you said about the anger not being enough. Anger to me is essential in some ways to letting out feelings about how we felt when we were violated. However, I think that most of my best progress has been beyond anger, in the other feelings, like shame, guilt. Sometimes just being in the sadness and crying is where I have made the most progress. Maybe as men, we are more conditioned to have anger as our main outlet. It is the other feelings that are harder, or that were in some cases not ever allowed. At least for me that was the case. I stuffed most of those other feelings and put on this mask of being such a nice kid. But, the anger simmered down there right beneath the surface, and was easy to grasp ahold of. I think it is may be the shield that keeps all the other feelings locked below. And once you can move past it, you can access all the other things you feel about the experience.

I have had some good experiences lately with putting the anger aside and allowing some of the other feelings to come up, and I actually felt like I was getting a clearer picture of what that little kid went through, when considering all the crazy emotions that were going on at the time of the abuse, all at the same time, under the surface. It is no wonder we lock it all away. It is hard for me as a grown man to open up that box and feel all of the shame, guilt, fear, sorrow, anger, etc. A little kid is just not equipped, should never be equipped to deal with that.

I am doing my own dance with anger still, it does come and get me, and when it does, I let it. But thank you for posting this progress you have made. It gives me hope that I am moving in the right direction.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#439608 - 06/30/13 05:49 PM . [Re: genedebs]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439618 - 06/30/13 07:48 PM Re: My current recovery experience **triggers** [Re: genedebs]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: genedebs
... I am finally willing to believe that this is progress in the journey of recovery.

... When I cry and feel sad I often have thoughts and memories of my experiences of abuse.
...
My acceptance that emotions not that I expressed, but that I felt are now open to me.
...
Now that I will have to learn to live with the overwhelming emotions that I denied for about 50 years, I am very sad. I cry for at least an hour or two every day. But this is a necessary part of my journey journey to recover from the terrors of my sexual experiences from age 10 to 15.

My T assures me this is an indication of improved mental health.


genedebs -

this all sounds very "normal" to me. at least i hope so - because it is what i experienced. overwhelming emotions for a period - big shock after having repressed all emotions for years. the storm does subside after a while. it settles down and becomes more manageable. you get to the place where some of the emotions are actually good and pleasurable - and even some of the sad or "bad" feelings can be seen as healthy, beneficial and positive in the bigger scheme of life.

hold on - you'll get through it - and it is worth the effort.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#439619 - 06/30/13 07:50 PM Re: My current recovery experience **triggers** [Re: genedebs]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Thank you all for your encouragement and compassion for my experiences,

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