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#439358 - 06/27/13 01:56 PM Finding Peace without Justice
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
*TRIGGER WARNING*

One of the things that I have been grappling with lately is the seeming "untangibility" of my experience as a kid with dozens and dozens of internet predators. What strategies or options do I have to recieve legal justice from these men who used older computers, were in different jurisdictions, and probably left a covered-up digital footprint? Who do I even direct my anger to? I have identified that I have trouble expressing anger, yet will direct fear, frustration, panic, guilt etc inwards. It is so confusing to begin to unravel my emotions and try to make sense of them.

What should I be focusing on? My current therapist works with trauma victims, and what is great is that he is an openly gay man, which makes it easier for me to talk about my (gay) sexuality. We've only had a couple sessions so far, and it has been dealing with identifying with the queer community and transitioning to a new life stage, and how my experiences with sexual trauma affect then my sex-life and comfortability with a sex-identified community. How do I also bring in these feelings too of personal loss and finding stuff to re-build with?

I just graduated with my Bachelor's two weeks ago, and I am working on applications for internships and grad schools abroad. But part of me feelings like I am a fake person- why am I giving this fake person a future? What's motivating me? Why do I sometimes feel scared of doing something that's for the future, while also lamenting my everyday life of my past routines?

I feel like I am mourning something big... be it something the younger me lost as a kid through my abuse or is it the me of the last few years?
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#439367 - 06/27/13 03:08 PM ! [Re: JayBro]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 08:02 PM)

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#439370 - 06/27/13 03:19 PM Re: Finding Peace without Justice [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
I would love to contact a local advocacy group and do work like that. I am just so nervous, but I think it would be worth while to help others. I would be interested in doing this work in both Germany as well as in Canada (where I was when I was abused online for 6 years by men mostly in the US and UK).

A divorce is certainly a good word for the process that is going on. I look at pictures of myself from the last few years and what I see today in the mirror, and I feel divorced- or removed and totally different- from that person I used to be. That person did not fully acknowledge what had happened to him and the journies ahead of him.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#439399 - 06/27/13 09:46 PM Re: Finding Peace without Justice [Re: JayBro]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 586
Hey JayBro,

You pose a lot of good questions here.

For me, anger is a natural emotion towards injustices (perceived or otherwise). The more I started valuing my own sense of worth, and things that go together with a healthy childhood like playfulness, love, innocence, adventure (all of which CSA robs you of), the more I felt anger towards those who took them away from me. Because it IS an injustice - as kids we deserve these things unconditionally and they're so precious because the chance to live these things may never come along again in the real adult world.

As for what to focus on, I think the biggest thing for you would be to build a better future. Make plans, develop healthier routines, and muster up the courage and discipline to stick to them. Five years ago I was in your position, fresh out with a BA and in a position to look for jobs and internships; unfortunately my CSA issues translated themselves into some heavy addictions and I missed those opportunities. I only wish I could've come across this site a bit earlier. I can relate to you feeling that this side of you is a "fake person", but I assure you, it's but a side, one of many facets of your personality and combine together to make you whole. Fine-tuning and integrating this side of you as part of your identity may be better than casting it out. From the sounds of it, you are a bright young man with a lot of potential, and this side of you deserves to step up and at least be treated on equal terms as the wounded inner child inside you. Both need to grow, and in time you'll see that they compliment one another.

And lastly, about the current anxieties you feel - I think it's natural part of the process of going through change. You've got a BA. You can get internships and jobs. The world's your oyster, so to speak, for the first time. You've got a lot of possibilities, a lot of doors open for you, a lot of decisions to make. That can be overwhelming, and the future can be a little scary. It might help if you make a list of possible things you might want to do, and figure out some detailed steps you can follow to achieve them. Also, I think mourning the destructive losses from past routines is but a step in recovery; if anything, it is a sign that you're prepared to start treating yourself a little better and that you're ready to start forging a new path.

When you start dealing with the CSA full-on, the emotions and feelings that come over are for sure overwhelming. But once you have felt this pain, I truly believe you can feel joy just as deeply, as long as you let yourself feel it. It's going to be a struggle for sure and some days are definitely not going to be easy, but the scars will start healing. Just make sure you don't turn a blind eye to all of the awesome things you can do outside of yourself - seeing new and beautiful things, hanging out with friends, going for a nice meal, listening to great music...it won't be perfect all the time but it'll make the bumpy road a little more comfortable.

Chin up!
_________________________
Husky

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#439459 - 06/28/13 02:23 PM Re: Finding Peace without Justice [Re: JayBro]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 215
Loc: California
Hey JayBro,
I can really identify with your struggles. My CSA also involved child pornography, and I have a lot of issues around where to direct the anger to as well. There is such a vile web of evil people that create and distribute this stuff, not to mention all of the child and human trafficking. Sometimes it feels like that web is so big, that the efforts, let alone the anger of one person cannot even make a dent in it. And I think that unresolved anger can impact all of the other areas of your life. The anxiety, uncertainty, and anger all give fuel to each other like sparks and gasoline, and will just combust eventually.

When I mentioned this to my T, she suggested that it helpful to experience anger, but that I have to make sure to release it as much as you can from your body. Whether that be through meditation, exercise, releasing it to nature, or even a higher power. The key is to not let it stay trapped in your body, where it can become toxic. So when you do those releasing activities, to actively visualize it leaving your body. And to keep doing that every time it comes up. Don't know if you write, but journaling can really help with releasing anger. Just write out all your anger. Every bit of it. Then, rip the pages out and burn it if you feel like it.

I was really encouraged by the link Gary sent about the Supreme Court, and his suggestion of joining an advocacy group. That to me feels like a tangible way to make a dent in this huge web. I may look into that as well, once I feel ready. Thanks, Gary.


Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#444518 - 08/16/13 08:48 PM Re: Finding Peace without Justice [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
Guys, thank you so much for your responses! Ive read them over and over and it means a lot to me.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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