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#439411 - 06/27/13 11:34 PM Today is the "WHY ME" question (possible triggers)
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
My mind has been stuck on that question for the better half of the day. What would make him choose me? Why do I take responsibility for what he did? I feel like 2 people at all times. One part is saying "you wanted it, you got pleasure from it". The other part is saying" why would he do this to me"? I can still remember the day after it happened. I remember sitting in class feeling dirty and disgusting. I could still feel his touch on my body. I can smell his soap, Irish Spring. All I wanted was a shower. I kept rubbing my skin as if I could wipe him away. The fear that people in the class knew that I'd just had sex with a man repeating over and over in my mind. I remember the walk home from the bus stop, and how nervous I was going home knowing it would just be me and him.

What is foggy to me is, when did I take the situation into my hands and purposefully become the sacrificial lamb? I know why, but I'm a curious as to what frame of mind was I in when I stopped caring for my own well being. I know 12 year old boys are never the best decision makers, but why would I give myself away? Why would I make the decision within myself to say "Do what you want to me, as long as you leave my family alone"? Why would I become sexual therapy for a sicko? What would make him fall in love with a boy who he'd fought with on many occasions?

These questions haunt me every so often. I have vivid memories, and foggy memories from that time. What I do know is that I lost myself from the moment he chose to abuse me? I became a survivor/therapist to a pervert. All I can do is think about how every time I was alone with him, he'd bare his soul, telling me every dirty deed he had done like I was his personal diary. I should hate him, but I pity him instead. How can a victim feel sorry for his abuser? To be honest, I want to be mad at him. I want to tell him to go find ME. I want to ask him "did you know that you killed a young boy"? I wish I could find that boy, and bring him back to me.


I just had to vent my thoughts
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439427 - 06/28/13 02:25 AM Re: Today is the "WHY ME" question (possible triggers) [Re: nolan79]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Dear nolan,

Why me? My experience is that I was available. I was not his first or last. But, he had the trust of my mother, so he was there, no one else was in the house the first time.

Sex is pleasurable. That has nothing to do with choice. At 12 you were under the age of consent. You could not be responsible even if you wanted to be. I can tell you why I took responsibility for "prostituting" myself. In that frame I could believe I had some control. I was not powerless and helpless to protect myself. What my T says is that when your choices are limited to bad and worse, there is no meaningful choice at all.

I doubt that you cared much about your own well being before you were molested. I know I thought my well being was not an option anyway. He did not fall in love with you. Preditors have insufficient compassion to love. He used you to get his rocks off, to get you to feel sorry for him because he felt sorry for himself. He used you to experience power and control.

What do I know about you nolan. I only am sharing with you my experience with one of my perpetrators.
Anyway you may never be able to bring the boy back, but you can learn to stop the intrusive memories. You can recover from your feelings of guilt and shame, and replace them with an ability to nurture and be a friend to your current self. And, though you won't forget, it will no longer overwhelm you.

We all have different stories, and we all are just the same

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#439434 - 06/28/13 08:37 AM Re: Today is the "WHY ME" question (possible triggers) [Re: nolan79]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hi, Nolan. I have read some of your postings and can feel your anguish as you sort through what has happened to you. Its a hard thing to realize you have been abused, its a terribly double hard thing to have the specific memories to recur. It makes it all the more real again, even if it was years and years ago. No child should ever have to sit in school with his classmates and have the memory smell of some sick ass man waft through his mind. No child should ever feel as though they are dirty and disgusting and that someone might discover this horrific secret. I am sorry you have these memories. Truly am. Your posting evokes similar thoughts for me.

You didn't give yourself up to him, my friend. He spotted you out long before and you became his prey. The boy he would molest. At 12, you did not have the thought processes in place to make a decision regarding sexual activity pro or con. The man was, as you said, a sicko. He wanted to have sex with a little boy. I'm not certain what you mean when you say he "bared his soul" to you each time, but if he shared "every dirty deed he had done", it sounds as if it was part of what got him off. A part of his sickness during sex. My apologies if that was to blunt, but if it involved sexual escapades or wanna be sexual escapades, it was a part of the sex act for him. One of the perpetrators that abused me was relentless with stories of the past and desires of the future.

I am haunted by the things which have happened to me as well. I can only assume we all are. It is a tiring way of life, it should not have happened to us, but it did. A few simple things I have learned to do over the years is to self talk. I have the thoughts, I seriously acknowledge the thought, and then I begin a self dialogue leaning heavily toward a bias for ME in a positive tone. I have learned, even though I still have "protective tender" feelings toward the s.o.b.-s, to refer to them in the most negative terms I can. And I am not one for profanity, but when I deal with this abusive shytt and my survival- I let it rip. It works most times- and sometimes it doesn't. That's why, after all these years, I am in therapy. And its a good place to be.

I hope things ease for you. You certainly deserve a better tomorrow free the pain of what you are dealing with. Most days since starting the therapy have become not pain free, but pain "dealable". It gets better. And who knows, Nolan, there may be a day when we can become totally pain free. Continue to heal, my friend. And continue to post.

There is also a post by Ken Singer I have read a couple times that gives a new understanding and way to help understand what has happened to us. Hopefully I posted it correctly here so you can click and read. Its well worth the time.
[email:http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=436397#Post436397]http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=436397#Post436397[/email]

Sexual assault is about power and control, but I am learning from listening to others and reading articles like this, that it is more than that as well. Maybe it will help with your dealing of the assaults.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#439446 - 06/28/13 12:37 PM Re: Today is the "WHY ME" question (possible triggers) [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:57 PM)

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#439454 - 06/28/13 02:00 PM Re: Today is the "WHY ME" question (possible triggers) [Re: nolan79]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Hey Nolan,

Thanks for posting these quesstions. They have been forefroont in my mind from time to time too as I have come to terms with the abuse and its impact. I just kept shaking my head yes and yes with each line.

This Man and Geoff, thank you as well for your answers to these questions. I don't have anything special or new to add, but I am glad to read and think about these answers and they feel important to me and what I am working on right now.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#439555 - 06/29/13 11:25 PM Re: Today is the "WHY ME" question (possible triggers) [Re: nolan79]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
thank you all for replying to my post. your replies are so helpful, they help get me through these tough moments. Most of the time, I am alone, and finding that available ear is nearly impossible, very few know my story. venting has become my therapy.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439562 - 06/30/13 12:20 AM Re: Today is the "WHY ME" question (possible triggers) [Re: nolan79]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
Nolan,
I have asked myself these questions hundreds if not thousands of times. At twisted as it sounds, I wanted to think that I was selected because I was special. The truth is, I was available. I was in the wrong place at the right time (for him). Any ideas that I was special is only my mind trying to find some justification for it so it doesn't hurt so bad. I don't want to think of myself as a piece of meat, I want to reinterpret things to make myself important, when, in actuality, I was just a piece of meat.

It's hard to come to terms with the idea that it was pleasurable or that you liked it. I felt the same way. It simply a physiological response to stimuli. Our bodies are designed to react in a specific matter when stimulated manually, and that's all that it was. It doesn't mean that you liked the situation or that you liked what was happening to you. Any thoughts that you have about it are higher order thought processes interpreting an involuntary reaction. Please don't beat yourself up over this when you had no choice.

Remember that you were a child when the abuse occurred. You are no looking at it from the perspective of an adult and interpreting the situation as an adult, when in reality, the child that you were was not capable of seeking it out, or putting yourself out there as a means to protect your family. It is again, your adult self looking for ways to interpret the situation so as to make it less painful and traumatic. You survived and you should be proud to the strength you possess that enabled you to make it. The idea that you protected your family is a noble deed and you may in fact have done that, whether a conscious decision on your part or not. Sacrificing yourself doesn't mean that your life is less valuable than your family's. Please believe that.

He did not love you. Love is gentle, love is kind. Love does not destroy. He twisted a beautiful emotion in order to put you under his spell. Please don't mistake his actions as something wonderful, because they weren't.

I often think that the fact that my perps picked me enabled my brothers to escape his dirty deeds. I feel I somehow saved them from something awful and thus allowed them to fulfill their purpose in life. I felt that I was sacrificed so they could achieve greatness. It may make for a great story, but it's not true. I, like you, was simply around.

I wish you well Nolan. You are a beautiful person with much to offer and much living to do. I hope you find healing and I wish you well.

DavO

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